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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sympathy For the Ass

Since the fall of Communism in the U.S.S.R. and the apparent lackadaisical attitude of most toward terrorism on our native shores, I think it is important to recognize a new Boogie Man among us. Of course, I am referring to an old acquaintance, the Ass. In an attempt to justify the the Ass, I am offering some reasons for the need of his existence in American society. To give reference to the Stones, I think this piece must be labeled "Sympathy For the Ass." My apologies to Mick and Keith and old Scratch. First of all, the Ass serves as a most gleeful person lacking an internal firewall that keeps him from saying almost everything he thinks will put him in a better light. Often his words are not straightforward but just a little malicious in intent. He revels in his own humor and shallow intellect. People hate him for being so forward at times while at other times being weaselly wise. The Ass is an archetypal villain whose mindless, Eddie Haskell-esque, two-faced style brands him truly un-American. What better easy target of our scorn? People just feel more confident having a good Ass around to kick every now and then. Then, of course, the Ass can be very attractive to those who are not asses. Robert Winch, a sociology professor at Northwestern University, stated in his research that we look for someone with complementary needs. A talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or an aggressive personality may seek out a more passive partner. Many use the Ass to fill ass-like aspirations of their own. This is the old theory of "opposites attract." Many an Ass lives a stable relationship with his mate, herself a very un-Asslike individual. As far as sexual attraction, many attractive girls enjoy "being the girl that they can't have." According to fellow blogger and founder of the Human Evolution Project, Dr. T, "These women get to add the ready display of some proof that they are not only sexually attractive to the masses; They also get to add that they are sexually exclusive and thereby more attractive to a higher class mate."
This points to the possible truth of an evolutionary selection for a woman to enjoy snubbing one Ass after another Ass. If indeed, there was no competitive advantage to these tendencies, they would be getting selected out of the gene pool. The Ass still proudly plies his charms for these egotistical women. With his obnoxious pickup lines ignored, he seeks these women's rejections time and again with apparent unswerving gratitude. Another quality of a well-developed Ass is his ability to tell people want they want to hear, then follow it up with brutal honesty. According to standup comedian and writer Charlie Hatton, "The key thing to remember about being a smartass is the turning point between 'sugary sweet' and 'brutally honest'. It's crucial to be polite and helpful, right up until the key word comes out of the victim's mouth..."
For an example, Charlie uses one of his jokes: Jilly: Do these pants make my butt look big? Smartass: No, not at all. Really, they're quite fetching on you. Jilly: Really? Smartass: No, not really. They're squishing your enormous ass like an oversized pressed ham. Maybe if you'd tuck the bottom of your cheeks into your socks, that would be better.
My last point in favor of keeping close company with the Ass is his never-ceasing ability to provide news and gossip. People can count on the Ass to deliver the most asinine behavior during the most solemn of times. Once committed, the terrible blunder is front page news for Ass-lovers everywhere: the more awful the gaffe, the better the tattle. Needless to say, the Ass doesn't mind the constant scrutiny of his neighbors, as long as he is the center of their attention.
In brief, you got to love the Ass. His very existence defines his mission. An ass is here to poke a little fun at people's posteriors. Truly suited to his craft, the Ass will diligently toil until his indelicate parting shot resounds among his fellow men. Only then will some miss him. Sadly, most will just quietly whisper, "I'm glad that silly Ass is dead and gone."
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