Love, happiness, status, security -- we all chase these illusions as we live our lives in circles of sunny satisfaction and shady displeasure.These vague concepts remain poorly defined to us, yet we feel obligated to chase these murky ideals comprised of nothing more than millions of conceptions (and misconceptions) from our individual experience. Our lives do change and can even fail as we feel we have strayed from our course of implementing these attachments. But do we ever truly expect to steer our lives on a straight course with an even keel if our dreams are largely based on illusions?
All definitions of important acquisitions leave us floundering in metaphor and generalization. Take love for example. Love is star-crossed, passionate, blind, and bold. Love is a wild rose, a burning flame, and an ocean of emotions. Love is metaphysical gravit , a master key that opens all happiness, and an act of endless forgiveness. Does it suffice to say love is everything and nothing at all?
Nothing in our romantic or realistic concept of affection prepares us for unrequited love. Before our first falls, we seem to harbor an inability to accept love's inevitable deceptions. Anxiety, frustration, guilt, depression -- all of these negative emotions surface if love is not reciprocated. With no negative associations for love, we find ourselves alone and confused when our love is inexplicably lost.
Once soured on love, we may seek counsel and study proper behaviors that supposedly bring it back or rekindle its strength; however, the raw and boundless emotion of love, once altered, is permanently defaced by scars, some healed and almost invisible and some barely sealed marking evident repair. Even after love fails, we chase our unrealistic understanding of rediscovering perfection: an ideal love pristine and pure.
Much to our disappointment heartbreaks only serve to mature our understanding of the feeling. Broken hearts lack substance for renewal; they can only be repaired. Through our sad experiences, we must reconstruct new understandings of love to measure future procurement. Lost love brings us face to face with lost innocence, and, like a virgin bedded, we must acknowledge we have given up once-guarded parts of ourselves to others. Living through the process of losing control over love allows us to face a rank realization: much of our ideal of attaining absolute love is irreparable.
But, even after monumental grieving and cautious healing, we return to re-delineate our illusion of love, perfectly content to follow an emotional high we realize is now confined and bound in terms of passionate expectations. We even lie to ourselves about the possibility of having lost the ability to love. In truth, we understand the ability is beyond our personal control.
The new rules we set for relationships are essentially heartfelt but useless in practice while we chase new rainbows of love that will surely stir our basic drives with large doses of testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinesphrine, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Once love strikes again, every heartbeat feeds the addiction. A soldier in the fog of love's combat, we dangerously open ourselves to old, deep-seated dreams and allow Cupid to strike our heart with deceptive arrows dipped in potions comprised of equal measures of affection and lust.
To accept a simple understanding of love seems easy enough, and maybe people who live a simple life can successfully do this. For most, however, the vague and metaphorical tags fail miserably. People demand respect for their many different interpretations of this emotion while misunderstanding other people's experiences with it. Isn't "you don't love..." a gross generalization steeped in personal judgment? Of course "you love." We all love. The negative judgment is often in the eyes of the beholder.
To chase love or happiness or security is noble and good. To what extent people actually acquire these things is largely debatable because it cannot be marked on a chart, on a scale, or even in an intelligent head or in a warm heart. Besides, acquisition is ongoing and unpredictable.
The nature of our desires is so fragile and prone to interpretation. As we age, we question those who find clear visions and marvel at those who question the enigmas. What can someone really say about subjects that defy definition and complete understanding? Surely, we sicken of cliche. Maybe we can best answer a riddle with a smile and a wink.
When You Are Old
When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.
And bending down beside the glowing bars
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
W. B. Yeats (1865-1939)
Petals
Life is a stream
On which we strew
Petal by petal the flower of our heart;
The end lost in dream,
They float past our view,
We only watch their glad, early start.Freighted with hope,
Crimsoned with joy,
We scatter the leaves of our opening rose;
Their widening scope,
Their distant employ,
We never shall know. And the stream as it flows
Sweeps them away,
Each one is gone
Ever beyond into infinite ways.
We alone stay
While years hurry on,
The flower fared forth, though its fragrance still stays.
It sounds so strange that people are shaking their heads in disbelief. The police, bank employees, and the public alike are asking themselves, "How could this happen?" Here is another account of truth that is stranger than fiction. In a nutshell, WSAZ television reports the following:
"Three robberies at one Portsmouth (Ohio) bank are likely related. That word from detectives with the Portsmouth, Ohio Police Department.
"The Charter One Bank on 6th Street was robbed just before 10 Monday morning.
"The same bank was held up on December 11 and on the 22.
"In all three robberies the suspects used the drive-thru window.
"Detectives tell WSAZ.com, the same getaway car was used in the robberies, and the description of the two suspects appear to be the same.
"Investigators also say they got some good leads following Monday’s robbery, and are now following up on those leads.
"Dispatchers say in Monday’s robbery the suspects claimed they had a bomb. (The same threat used by the criminals in the other two recent robberies.)
"The men are described to be in their early 20's driving a white Berretta. Police say the vehicle was beat up and had paint missing from the hood and the roof." ("Bank Drive-Thru Robbed for Third Time in One Month," WSAZ www.wsaz.com/news, December 27 2010)
Now, one surely questions the intelligence of the same robbers using the same vehicle and the same modus operandi successfully to hit the same location within a couple of weeks. It doesn't sound as if these fellows are master criminals by any stretch of the imagination, maybe more like a couple of characters from the Apple Dumpling Gang. And yet the robberies occurred without a hitch. Someone must be doing something right, or are security measures tight enough? Maybe the suggestions that follow could provide some help.
It Might Cost a Little, But...
How about a stolen bill or a stolen money bag implanted with a GPS tracking device? Microchips are so slim that they can be hidden in special packs of currency. Real time GPS tracking is available. These GPS devices receive information from GPS satellites in space. Once received, the information is transmitted back to a user, who can view the information. Two popular ways the GPS tracking device transmits location information is via a digital cellular network or via satellite.
Why not limit access to drive through stations? Access to bank areas can be limited with keys, entry cards, or other special identification systems. In addition, any special access to contact areas can be overridden by bank employees when they deem entry may be necessary.
Drive-thru window lanes could be electronically gated at the key access. Notification of denial of admittance to cloaked or disguised drivers could accompany close-up camera recording at the gate. In other words, no car would be admitted into the teller window area until drivers were keyed and photographed. Both of these safety devices offer evidence if security fails.
Basic Security
1. Cameras at banks should be highly visible, so potential bank robbers will know that their image will be captured. Also security cameras must be regularly maintained to assure that decent, identifiable images are being captured. What's the use of installing an expensive system that records unrecognizable images?
2. Security personnel could be employed at banks and branch banks. Security, like the cameras, should be highly visible. If possible, banks can hire off-duty police officers or other guards licensed to carry weapons.
3. Facilities can install bullet-proof glass. Protective material should be installed between the cashier's window and the area where customers stand or drive.
4. Banks should post signs stating that they keep little cash on hand and that they have effective security systems.
5. Banks or police can offer rewards for information leading to the capture and arrest of criminals.
The following brief newspaper story will not shake the world or alter the course of human events, but with New Years Eve fast approaching, the story may just rattle a reveler or two and help convince some stubborn people that one's concern for public safety supersedes a risk of reckless behavior. Evidently, some people understand this very well even when ridiculously drunk. Here is a brief report of an interesting story.
"Iowa City police arrested a man for drunk driving Christmas morning after a receiving a tip -- from the driver himself.
"Police say Francisco Castro, 25, of 10 Video Court, called 911 about 8:30 a.m. Saturday, but spoke little English. After authorities mapped the call to 900 Highway 6 E., officers say they found Castro behind the wheel of a running vehicle.
"Castro told officers he had dialed 911 because he thought he was too intoxicated to continue driving, according to the police complaint.
"Police say there was an open container of hard liquor in the vehicle, and Castro's blood alcohol content was 0.22. Castro had been released from custody from the Johnson County Jail by Sunday night. He did not have a listed phone number and could not be reached for comment."("Man Reports Himself To Police," Iowa City Press-Citizen," December 27 2010)
Granted, Francisco Castro may have dialed 911 for fear of his personal safety and not for his concern about others; however, his call may have prevented a terrible holiday season tragedy. Castro should not have begun driving his vehicle while intoxicated, especially after just getting out of jail. This point is very evident and beyond question. Still, maybe a message of hope has surfaced in this bizarre admission of guilt: somewhere during his careless drive, Castro listened to his conscience.
How many of us, at or about that age, should have stopped acting out reckless behaviors? Instead, we completed our menacing acts fully knowing the possible risk we posed to others? This story not only pertains to driving under the influence but also to pushing any limits of public safety. I am not willing to call young Mr. Castro a hero, yet he is certainly a winner of a deadly dilemma. He had a lawless, terrible day that still paled to a possible catastrophe he may have helped avert.
Castro will pay dearly for his call to authorities. If this is Castro' first offense, Iowa law stipulates he faces the following:
Up to 1 year in JAIL, a minimum of 48 hours must be spent in jail
Fine between $500 and $1000
Substance abuse evaluations at YOUR cost
Driver's license revocation for 180 days.
An ignition interlock device may be required
Misdemeanor charge
Whether he knew the legal consequences of his 911 call is uncertain. After all, Castro was very drunk at the time. The fact remains -- he did make the call. Maybe something from deep within instilled from years past superseded his desire to operate the vehicle and "told" him to ask for assistance. In successfully dialing the numbers, he demonstrated his maturity once in the deadly circumstance.
Possibly the story will make one tipsy New Year party person hand over the keys to a designated driver or make one drunk take a bus or cab home. The risks of ignoring threats to public safety outweigh any decision to put others in peril. How could any of us successfully complete our lives knowing that we had killed or maimed others while we were in such a state?
I do not drink and drive any more. I really feel as if I am fortunate to have lived through some reckless, self-initiated acts myself. Maybe, Mr. Castro has reached this point of insight into his young life. I hope so.
"Statistics show that during Christmas and New Year's, two to three times more people die in alcohol-related crashes than during comparable periods the rest of the year. And 40 percent of traffic fatalities during these holidays involve a driver who is alcohol-impaired, compared to 28 percent for the rest of December." (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, National Institutes of Health, www.prnewswire.com)
I will turn 60 on February 4. This birthday is a watermark in my life with a definite acknowledgment of longevity. Still, I don't think much about my age, but I think quite a bit about my past -- the feelings and lost reality of years gone by. My reminisces are bitter, sweet, and often indifferent. Now, many loved ones are gone; other friends have scattered; and longing, a sure sign of stumbling progress, occupies a larger share of my mind.
Without the slightest effort, I can associate with the past. For example, I was watching an HBO documentary about legendary coach Vince Lombardi a couple of days ago. Lombardi died of intestinal cancer at age 57 on Sept. 3, 1970. While marveling at his successful career and determined, one-of-a-kind personality, I couldn't help but think about his being only 57 when he passed away. I wondered what current medical procedures may save a cancer patient with similar malignancy. Then, I remembered cancer patients in our family and the toll the disease took. I remembered when the words cancer and death were synonymous. I felt the pain.
These flashes of my life occur without warning and seem to be triggered by minor sensory reactions to everyday things. Sights such as sparkling eyes or a smile, sounds like a familiar song, even smells and textures evoke thoughts etched into my brain long ago. Now, these reactions are much more a part of my everyday persona. Their importance has solidified my interpretation of life.
The depth of these memories seems to grow more every year in my life, a life that has become more sensory deprived. It seems as if the brain compensates for the afflictions of the flesh and bones. I witnessed this early in life when I noticed many older people recounting stories and sharing thoughts of their truly interesting life experiences. I found that the passions and the desires of senior citizens do not dwindle to ashes as they age. If anything changes at all, the seniors use their acquired perspective to ferment feelings to their peak.
As much as I would like to say that my faults and my strengths have changed over the years, I really believe they have only tempered. True, experience now allows me to understand more about my own life and regret serious mistakes, yet my inner guide often has to be foiled -- repeatedly defeated and lost in new ideas before it can accept new paths that lead to change. When something feels unnatural within my zone of sensory perception, my gut rolls until I finally find, or am forced to find, some association that helps effect a new opinion.
I contend that distance from adventure, spontaneity, and simple excitement does not make an older mind lose its taste for the intended actions. One's age does not diminish cravings and desires.The older person merely learns to understand his new place in the perceptions of those around him. His imagination doesn't dull although he may not act out his thoughts.
I have lived for many years with clinical depression and OCD. I began treatment for depression in 1984 and taught 17 more years while struggling to control its symptoms and dealing with repeated debilitating outbreaks.While accepting disability from the State Teachers Retirement System, I languished in guilt for many years. With only 27 years of experience, I felt as if I had not completed my duties. In my mind, my status had changed from an effective teacher to a defective patient. I so cherished my past profession.
During the transition from whole person to a mental patient, I became very conscious of the reactions of others if I shared with them the outcomes of my illness. To be quite honest, I found people dehumanized anyone with a mental ailment. By outward expression and reaction, those around me offered help and sympathy, yet either because of my over-sensitivity or because of a combination of my sensitivity and their distrust, I understood that I had become "different." This "different" was permanent.
Once "different," one cannot change its effects or deny its stark reality. As a "different," I began living a life encumbered with certain restrictions. The "talk behind," the secondary social position, the "damaged goods" -- all these reactions came to the surface, but mainly expressions were subtle or apparent only upon closer inspection. Eventually, other people's distrust surfaced in many situations, and, in truth, this suspicion might have been well deserved given my track record.
Unfortunately, as these reactions accumulated in my interpretation (whether illogical or sound), I found a hardened veneer helped me repel most of the attitude of others. I seemed to suck more pleasantries into my personal space and venture less for others to criticize. I became a preservationist of my own special personal archives in hopes they would someday find expression.
I'll be 60 years old soon. I have had a good life. Like all others, I have been stamped and deposited in a box. To accept the life within the box is perhaps the hardest part of aging and living a unique existence. My box is decorated with many furnishings from my past. As I continue to rearrange the furniture, I can assure you my brain and my senses are acute. Maybe I long for ability, but I don't suffer for lack of sensitivity for those things that have been imprinted in my head and in my soul. I cannot help but think that more purpose for my petty existence will be revealed someday.
It's educational trivia day on the blog. Time for some Christmas questions to quiz those in the holiday spirit. As with most trivial pursuits, the quiz provides answers that may be challenged; however, that is half the fun. So, nip your eggnog and give this 20 question entry a try. Good luck. Answers are provided after the questions. Feel free to record your scores. Merry Christmas, all.
Questions
1. ___ Symbolizing the prayers and praises of the faithful as well as Christ's sacrifice and the divine name of God, Frankincense is the purest of
a. incense,
b. linen,
c. oils,
d. jewels.
2. ___ Named for its bitter taste and symbolizing the Suffering Savior, the Great Physician, and Christ's human nature, myrrh is an aromatic gum resin used to make ointments and
a. teas,
b. perfumes,
c. disinfectants,
d. poisons.
3. ___ One of the holiday's best-loved songs, "The Twelve Days of Christmas," marks the longest holiday in the Christian calendar -- the time between Christmas Day and Epiphany, celebrated on January 6. Epiphany is a Christian feast celebrating the manifestation of the divine nature of Jesus to the Gentiles as represented by
a. the Magi,
b. the Trinity,
c. the Virgin Mary,
d. the appearance of the angel Gabriel.
4. ___ Some people think of Xmas as a contemporary, sacrilegious abbreviation of the word Christmas. On the contrary, the first letter of the word ________ (fill in) in the Greek language is chi, which is identical to the modern Roman alphabet's X.
a. Mary,
b. God,
c. Virgin,
d. Christ.
5. ___ Americans did not have a detailed description of St. Nicholas until they viewed a drawing of him included in the 1809 publication A History of New York. The drawing was created by
a. Johnathan Edwards,
b. James Fenimore Cooper,
c. Washington Irving,
d. Norman Rockwell.
6. ___ Before you sing, "Now bring us some figgy pudding," it might be helpful to know exactly what you are requesting. Figgy pudding is an English dish similar to
a. mincemeat pie,
b. mulled wine,
c. bread pudding,
d. spiced eel.
7. ___ What are sugarplums?
a. hard sugar sweets,
b. evil fairies,
c. baked apples,
d. holiday punches.
8.___ In 1670, a choirmaster in Cologne, Germany, handed candy canes out to children during church services to keep them quiet. They were meant to resemble bent the ends to resemble
a. a walking cane,
b. a deacon's hook,
c. a shepherd's staff,
d. a wilted evergreen.
9.___ What seasonal character was actually created by Montgomery Ward in the late 1930's for a holiday promotion?
a. Frosty the Snowman,
b. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,
c. Ebenezer Scrooge,
d. Jack Frost.
10.___ If you received all of the gifts in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas," you would receive
a. 545 gifts,
b. 364 gifts,
c. 288 gifts,
d. 105 gifts.
11.___ At the time of Jesus' birth, the Roman Caesar was
a. Caesar Tiberius,
b. Caesar Vespasian,
c. Constantine I,
d. Caesar Augustus.
12.___ In A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, Scrooge's deceased business partner is
a. Jacob Marley,
b. Martin Chuzzlewit,
c. Bob Cratchit,
d. Benjamin Havisham.
13.___ The setting for the film A Christmas Story is a town in Indiana, but the movie was actually filmed in
a. New York City,
b. Cleveland, Ohio,
c. Chicago, Illinois,
d. Louisville, Kentucky.
14.___ The "major award" in A Christmas Story is based on a real lamp: an illuminated
a. Tiffany original,
b. Victorian brothel replica,
c. Nehi soda logo,
d. Marilyn Monroe souvenir.
15.___ A Tannebaum is
a. mistletoe,
b. a wreath,
c. a Christmas tree,
d. a dance.
16.___ One of the most traditional Christmas dinner entrees in early England was
a. sturgeon,
b. the head of a pig,
c. mutton pie,
d. venison stew.
17.___ Beginning in medieval times and through the Victorian era, "Hot Cockles" was a popular Christmas guessing game in which a player was blindfolded and
a. struck by others,
b. kissed by others,
c. whispered to by others,
d. made to drink alcohol by others.
18.___ The Christmas story Bible verses come from the scriptures of Matthew and
a. Luke,
b. John,
c. Mark,
d. Bocephus.
19.___ The popular Christmas song "Jingle Bells," compose by James Lord Pierpont in 1850, was actually written to celebrate
a. New Year's,
b. Halloween,
c. Thanksgiving,
d. birthdays.
20.___ According to Norse myths, if enemies met by chance beneath mistletoe in a forest, they
a. immediately fought to the death,
b. each offered a virgin sacrifice to Odin,
c. laid down their arms and maintained a one day truce,
d. left each other in lasting peace.
Answers:
1. a 2. b 3. a 4. d 5. c 6. c 7. a 8. c 9. b 10. b
11. d 12. a 13. b 14. c 15. c 16. b 17. a 18. a 19. c 20. c
Expressions -- everyone uses them, often without forethought. Silly expressions are harmless, yet when used repeatedly, they can grate on the nerves of those around us. Many expressions are utterances that become overused, meaningless cliches. The expressions become language barriers in that they carry vague, generalized meanings. The overused reply, the dated word or phrase, the mimic of media-born words, and the English usage mistake are all examples of expressions people should avoid.
In the interest of elevating the spoken and written word, I have collected some of the common expressions that qualify as trite, superficial, meaningless language. Perhaps people can substitute more accurate, meaningful words when they are tempted to use these expressions over and over again. "The Wizard of Ads" Roy H. Williams, best-selling author and marketing consultant, said, "A meaningless statement remains meaningless no matter how often it's heard."
Some Expressions To Avoid
1.Obviously
Example usage: "Mary doesn't care if Danny goes bar-hopping every night." REPLY -- "Obviously."
If the intent here is to emphasize the statement, the speaker is being overly trite and sarcastic in his affirmation instead of politely responsive. This word has been used this way so much that it actually underscores the speaker's lack of concern.
2.(I) love (it), love (it), love (it). A Saturday Night Live catch phrase popularized by Molly Shannon
Example usage: "I can't resist the urge to be a party animal. I love it, love it, love it!"
Too much media parrot, the speaker becomes a second-hand impersonator at best with this ridiculous repetition. At worst, any actual love expressed dies in hammering the emotion. This expression is usually accompanied by leg and hand gestures which make it particularly annoying.
3.My bad
Example usage: "You just spilled your beer all over grandpa." REPLY -- "My bad."
This expression, used for regret, is so offhand. The speaker tosses the apology into the wind as an obligatory absolution of wrongdoing. It is really a call for continuation of the interrupted proceedings. A cover-all for indiscretions, my bad usually accommodates those who make repeated mistakes.
4. Whatever
Example usage: "I shouldn't have to worry about our relationship." REPLY -- "Whatever."
This word may be the ultimate expression of retort for those lost for a meaningful reply or for those feigning indifference. In other words, the speaker does harbor discontent, but instead of voicing his true opinion, he uses this weepy equivalent of accepted lethargy. Isn't this word synonymous with "Let's change the subject"?
5.I mean.../you know...
Example usage: "Can you believe she doesn't have a date? I mean, the prom is only the biggest event of the year, you know"
The expressions beg the importance of personal emphasis but fall short because of their extreme over-use.
They do little, if anything, to strike sparks of importance with first and second person pronoun pricks of awareness. If anything, the phrases prod the respondent unnecessarily.
6. Improper use of your/you're, too/to/two, there/their/they're, it's/its, and lose/loose
Example proper usage:
"Jane is so envious of your talent"
"You're a very interesting person."
"Would you like some cream in your coffee, too?"
"The water is just too hot."
"Dad went to the store to buy groceries."
"Centerville lost in overtime by two points."
"There are many different customs there."
"Look over there. I see the harbor."
"The Sullivans have not been receiving their mail."
"They're never going to listen to me."
"It's about time!"
"The dog ate its food already."
"I hope the Bengals don't lose all their games."
"Some of the shingles on the roof were loose."
These problems stem from lack of knowledge of grade school English usage and the dreaded acceptance of improper forms in colloquial language. Suffice it to say, those who misuse these simple forms are deemed uneducated both by proficiency test scorers and by employers.
7.(I'm) Just sayin'
Example usage: "Dave can be very angry at times. Just sayin', that is not good."
Offered as an over-worn simplification, this phrase admits ambiguity on the speaker's part. When used repeatedly, the words do nothing to clear potential obscurity. A speaker sounds guilty of oversimplification when he justifies an earlier comment with the phrase.
8.Are you kidding me?
Example usage: "Are you kidding me? She never takes care of those children."
Meant to be a real exclamation of doubt, this expression instead is used to inject a false sense of urgency into a subject. If the information was intended as a joke, the receiver need not question it. If the receiver understands the facts, he should avoid unnecessary emotion reaction. Another overused phrase involving truth is "in all kidding aside."
9.Really
Example usage: "Pam is the most conceited person I know. REPLY -- "Really."
A single word that might sound meaningfully concise, through overuse has come to mean absolutely nothing.
It has no kin in reality.Who would dare disagree? The common, bandwagon reaction has become an automatic, unthinking really.
10. 'K (abbreviation for OK -- another abbreviation for the comically misspelled" Oll Korrect)
Example usage: "I'll meet you at the restaurant." REPLY -- "K."
A very informal abbreviation for approval, 'K smells of trends and lazy replies. Cute symbols and cut phrases most often become dated and certainly overused by the masses. Inflated through Internet usage, the abbreviation thrives in informal settings and continues to irritate many.
11. LOL and OMG (Internet slang initialisms for "laughing out loud" and "oh, my God")
Example usage: "Harold just walked into the room in his briefs." REPLY -- LOL, OMG
These initialisms 'tweens and teens when they text message on popular social networking sites. Therein lies the problem: the abbreviations may suit young tastes; however, when adults use them, they sound pretentious and plain silly to others. The speaker, while trying to be stylish, loses the dignity and truthfulness of his expression. Even when spelling out the initialisms, the speaker commits the act of using meaningless cliches. Acronyms and initialisms have always had a purpose for necessary conciseness, but these abbreviations serve as nothing but thoughtless replies. Besides, people just tire from their enormous repetition.
12.I could care less.
Example usage: "I could care less if my job is terminated."
Shouldn't this statement be I couldn’t care less? After all, doesn't it mean “it is impossible for me to have less interest or concern in this matter"? The words have developed as slangy expression with some social class stigma. The "high-class sounding" idiomatic expression often drips of empty sarcasm: the speaker may use this supposedly definite statement in times of doubt as a defense mechanism. It sounds stilted and rings untrue.
13.Your call is important to us.
Example usage: TELEMARKETER RECORDING -- "Your call is important to us."
The translation here is simple. "If you buy our services, you are important to us." This sentence represents one of the most hated expressions to anyone who values privacy and sincerity. The very ring of the phone these days sends chills of telemarketing throughout the suspicious populace. Nothing a marketer could say would matter after this ridiculous statement. How reassuring to know that someone out there really cares....
Enough with the sentimental holiday traditions and the search for the real meaning of Christmas. Let commercialism reign! Girls, your husband (boyfriend, significant other, acquaintance), deserves the best, so you must do everything in your power to empower him with the ultimate Christmas present. Don't let your frugal habits ruin this holiday season -- put the dollars down and prove your eternal love. What really matters anyway? We all know it's the status of the gift that counts. And, he will feel better being the receiver of your superior gifting expertise.
On the sizzling site of Gear/Uncrate http://www.uncrate.com/men/gear/index.php?page=1 anybody can find hundreds of great gift ideas. I couldn't resist using suggestions from the site to compile a Man's Dream Christmas List, complete with gift titles, prices, websites, and brief description. The rest is up to you.... Have a Merry Green Christmas. Credit cards -- Charge!
Forget bringing a simple grill — you can bring the equivalent of an entire bar to your next tailgate outing with the Grill 'N Chill Tailgater. It includes the obvious 24,000 BTU infrared grill, but steps things up a notch with a 50 qt. ice chest, a chrome tower draft system to keep the booze flowing, an included Go! Chassi for easy portability, and a built-in 210-Watt stereo with dual marine-grade speakers. Add in a TV, some chairs, and some companions, and you've got the makings of an all-star sports day, even if never leave the driveway.
It used to be that 80-inch TVs were the stuff of CES displays and rich folks' home cinemas. Not so with the Mitsubishi Diamond 82-Inch 3D HDTV. Beyond the obvious 3D chops, this mammoth monitor also features an integrated 16-speaker, 5.1 channel Dolby Digital surround sound system, StreamTV for on-screen access to web services like Pandora, Flickr, and Facebook, Wi-Fi with an optional adapter, and the Plush 1080p 5G 12-bit Video processor for smooth action and upscaling.
Get legendary Klipsch sound in a package that would have looked just fine in your Dad's bachelor pad with Klipsch Heritage Speakers. Featuring the Klipschorn Floorstanding Speaker with 15-inch woofer, the Klipschorn-packing La Scala II Floorstanding model, and the complementary Cornwall III and Heresy III speakers, originally designed to serve as center channels for the larger, more robust Klipschorn and La Scala II, its got everything you need to give your home theater concert-worthy sound.
The Gibson Dusk Tiger Guitar features a Les Paul-like body, but with a flat top, tone-chambered back, magnetic and piezo pickups for traditional and more "acoustic" guitar tones, separate outputs for each string for crazy effects, a multichannel FireWire interface with Ableton Live 8 and Guitar Rig 4 Pro for even more sound processing possibilities, 18 user-programmable alternate tunings with third-generation Robot Tuning Technology, and an exotic hardwood body that looks every bit as good as it sounds. If you want to get your mitts on one, you'd better hurry: only 1,000 Dusk Tigers will be produced.
Haul ass all across your (or your neighbor's) property aboard the John Deere Gator XUV 825i. Proclaimed the fastest, most powerful Gator ever built, the 825i sports a 50 hp, 815cc inline 3-cylinder engine good for speeds up to 44 mph, all-new front and rear independent suspension systems, 1,500 lbs. of towing capacity and 1,400 lbs. of payload capacity, with a 16.4 cubic foot cargo box featuring 20 integrated tie downs — perfect for getting rid of that irritating lawn gnome once and for all.
With an odd floorplan and even odder looks, it's quite obvious that the Cricket Trayler has character to spare. Available in trims ranging from a bare-bones shell to a tricked out model, the 15-foot trailer can offer a stainless steel sink with two-burner cooktop, a cabinet, a handshower with curtain, a portable cassette toilet, a furnace or a/c unit, a shade awning, and a folding bed with foam mattress. Luxurious it's not, but it is capable, and will leave a more lasting impression than even the nicest Airstream.
Like a rollable Dave & Busters, the Pinel & Pinel Arcade Trunk is a retro arcade powerhouse on wheels. Featuring a 1080p LCD screen, a high-def sound system with integrated iPod/iPhone dock, and sixty built-in titles include Pac-man, Space Invaders, and 1942, this high-end gaming cabinet comes clothed in your choice of one of 51 colors of calfskin, which works with the chromium-plated dashboard and aluminum wheels to add a touch of class to your man cave or game room.
From the makers of the Custom Batpad comes the latest movie-inspired motorbike: the Tron Legacy Lightcycle. While the movie doesn't hit theaters until December, anyone who saw the original knows the lightcycle races will be the highlight of the film, making the five Lightcycles instant classics. Unlike the Batpod, these are built to be street-legal, with custom 22-inch hubless wheels, custom Hoosier tires, electric or gasoline motors, two-inch hardened steel frames, carbon fiber/fiberglass bodies, and neon hidden behind frosted plexiglass for the accent colors, making this possibly the first vehicle with exterior neon even to be featured on Uncrate.
Your average pool table isn't going to intimidate an opponent, but the Predator Pool Table is anything but average. With striking, aggressive looks, the Predator features an 8-foot table, an aluminum and maple veneer frame with stainless steel cable sets, multi-bladed saber pockets, polished glass rails, black speed felt surface, and integrated ball return.
What a personal submarine! Available in a 155hp, dolphin-inspired J model, or the more badass, shark-bodied 266hp X model, these submersible watercraft can reach up to 50 mph on the surface and up to 25 mph submerged, and are capable of high-speed dives that send the craft launching out of the water. Other features include a snorkel-mounted video camera, an iPod-compatible stereo system, and the ability to scare the bejeezus out of innocent boaters.
Amazed by Scaramanga's flying AMC Matador in The Man With The Golden Gun? Now you can own your very own flying car. Or is that driving plane? Actually, it's the Terrafugia Transition. This "light sport" aircraft features electrically-powered folding wings that, when paired with the rear-facing propeller, allow it to fly at 115 mph for up to 460 miles. But should inclement weather strike, or you just decide to drive, the wings fold up and the Transition becomes a street-legal car that gets 30 miles to the gallon. It's the ultimate getaway vehicle, provided you, your sidekick/henchman, and your loot don't weigh more than 450 lbs.
If you happen to find yourself in the predicament where you have a wad of cash and faced with the decision of purchasing an RV or a Yacht, Terra Wind is about to make your life just a little bit easier. The Terra Wind Amphibious RV is every bit as amazing as it sounds. One part decked-out motor home, one part crazy-looking-lake-going-vessel, the RV is the sort of excessive splurge that only an Uncrate reader could get behind. A few of the features include GPS, tons of leather, DVD/VHS/CD players, all major appliances (fridge, washer/dryer, etc.), an 8-jet whirlpool tub, marble floors and shower, a 42-inch Plasma TV, and a 6-foot swim deck that's perfect for fishing.
There's streamlined, and there's the Strand Craft 122 Yacht. This amazingly futuristic super yacht sports a gorgeous exterior, a posh art deco-inspired interior with niceties like 52-inch LED TVs, Bang Olufsen sound systems, four staterooms, and salon areas, over 14,000 horsepower capable of driving the craft to speed over 50 knots, and an included handcrafted supercar with a 880hp twin turbo V12 engine. If only it included a beach house and a stately countryside mansion, it'd be the ultimate "lotto winner goes apeshit" package.
Mercedes style meets multi-millionaire transportation in the Eurocopter Mercedes-Benz EC145 Helicopter. This medium-sized, twin-engine 'copter sports a yacht-like interior with high-end upholstery, wood for the floor and ceiling panels, three multi-function boxes offering a cool box, cup holders, tables, monitors, and DVD player, extra storage drawers, a windowed partition wall between the cabin and the passenger area, and ambient lighting. Great for the high-power CEO needing a faster way to work or just dudes with more money than they know what to do with.
Most of us love to celebrate the holidays with traditional Christmas songs. But, what about songs of the season for those with blue souls, unique insights, and unusual tastes and associations. Sure, I have my favorite Christmas music that requires review; however, I find myself enjoying new songs and new interpretations of songs not normally played over and over during the Christmas season. Here are twenty music videos that can make you laugh, cry, upset, or show some other unique response.
I have tried to include videos with live performances where possible. Sometimes, I have chosen cover songs because of the distinct content of the video. And, sometimes I have chosen songs because I thought you may have never heard or seen them. So, in no ranking order, here are twenty unique holiday songs.
1. "Same Old Lang Syne" Dan Fogelberg
The melody phrase at the beginning of each verse ("Met my old lover at the grocery store...") was taken by Fogelberg from Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture."
Smooth Jazz giant Michael Brecker played soprano saxophone on this song. His part is featured in the ending, and is an improvised, jazzy snippet of the classic holiday tune "Auld Lang Syne."
As Fogelberg tells it on his official website, the song is totally autobiographical. He was visiting family back home in Peoria, Illinois in the mid-'70s when he ran into an old girlfriend at a convenience store.(www.songfacts.com)
After Fogelberg's death from prostate cancer in 2007, the woman whom he wrote the song about came forward with her story. Jill Greulich dated in Fogelberg in high school when she was Jill Anderson. As she explained to the Peoria Journal Star in a December 22, 2007 article, they were part of the Woodruff High School class of 1969, but later went to different colleges.
After college, Jill married and moved to Chicago, and Dan went to Colorado to pursue music. On Christmas Eve, they were each back in Peoria with their families when Jill went out for egg nog and Dan was dispatched to find whipping cream for Irish coffee. The only place open was a convenience store at the top of Abington Hill at Frye Avenue and Prospect Road, and that's where they had their encounter. They bought a six pack of beer and drank it in her car for two hours while they talked.
Five years later, Jill heard "Same Old Lang Syne" on the radio while driving to work, but she kept quiet about it, as Fogelberg also refused to reveal her identity. Her main concern was that coming forward would disrupt Fogelberg's marriage.
Looking at the lyrics, Jill says there are two inaccuracies: She has green eyes, not blue, and her husband was not an architect - he was a physical education teacher. It's unlikely Fogelberg knew his profession anyway. Regarding the line, "She would have liked to say she loved the man, but she didn't like to lie," Jill won't talk about it, but she had divorced her husband by the time the song was released.
2. "If We Make It Through December" Merle Haggard
The song was also covered by Alan Jackson, Marty Robbins, and Faron Young.
Not technically referred to as a Christmas song, "If We Make It Through December," was written and released by Merle Haggard in 1973. It treats with Haggard's simple poetry the desperate optimism of a working-class man dealing with economic hardship. Having been laid off from his factory job just prior to the holidays, the man becomes depressed over his predicament during what normally should be a "happy time of year." At one point, he observes that his little girl "don't understand why Daddy can't afford no Christmas cheer." (Roland, Tom, The Billboard Book of Number One Country Hits, 1991)
The chorus, "If we make it through December/Everything's gonna be alright I know" expresses hope, the protagonist telling himself that hope exists if he wants to deal with "the coldest time of winter" and the cold, lonely feeling he experiences while watching the snow fall ("and I shiver when I see the falling snow").
3. "River" Joni Mitchell covered here by Sarah MaLachlan
The cover versions of "River" are too numerous to relate. It is used in the 2000 film Almost Famous and in episodes of Alias, thirtysomething, and ER.
Released on Joni's Blue album (1971), the song opens to an off-key rendition of "Jingle Bells." It captures a unique essence of Christmas: moping, escapist fantasies, scorning people who have the audacity to pursue seasonal cheer, and ice skating.
"I've known it from the time it was written, and I've always loved it," says James Taylor, who included it on his James Taylor at Christmas album.
"Most Christmas songs are light and shallow, but 'River' is a sad song. It starts with a description of a commercially produced version of Christmas in Los Angeles . . . then juxtaposes it with this frozen river, which says 'Christmas here is bringing me down,"' Taylor told The Washington Post.
"It's such a beautiful thing, to turn away from the commercial mayhem that Christmas becomes and just breathe in some pine needles. It's a really blue song," he said. (The Washington Post, December 24, 2006)
4. "Christmas Card From a Hooker In Minneapolis" Tom Waits
Renowned singer/songwriter of "Downtown Train" and "Old '55" fame, Tom Waits release the album Blue Valentine that contained "Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis."
The song comes almost verbatim from a Charles Bukowski poem, and when paired up with Waits' broken growl and his somber piano it becomes one of the most achingly beautiful songs ever written. Not many movies can retain the surprise of a twist ending on repeats, but somehow this song never loses the pure punch to the gut that comes with the final reveal. "Christmas Card" is on the short list of the most torturous and beautiful songs relating to the season. (www.sputnikmusic.com}
It is not really a Christmas song either except at its most primal. The song is what the title says it is. The hooker must be the type that writes letters in her Christmas cards, and that helps the song. “Timmy’s out of diapers, Andrea has made the honor roll,” but this song turns that meme on its head. Charlie obviously knows the hooker, but not necessarily as a client. In short, it’s not a Christmas song because it’s about Christmas -- it’s a Christmas song because the whole song is Christmas.
The song begins, "Charlie, I'm pregnant/ Living on 9th Street/ Above a dirty book store..." Listen to the rest of the letter.
From the hilarious and clever mind of one of the best singer/songwriters alive, John Prine's "Christmas In Prison" was originally released from the 1991 album Sweet Revenge. It is Prine's dark yule epistle to the woman who haunts a lonely inmate. "She reminds me of a chess game with someone I admire," Prine quotes, adding sorrowfully, "I dream of her always, even when I don't dream."
His compositions have been recorded by numerous other artists, including Bob Dylan, Kris Kristofferson, John Denver, Joan Baez, Carly Simon, and Bette Midler.
Great stories of Prine abound. One is that visitors to his den can view his Christmas tree year round. (Against his wishes, the tree is artificial.) It's supposedly been up since Christmas 1989. It seems he left for Ireland that holiday and didn't return until February. "I came back, plugged it in, sat down with a drink and said, "This looks pretty good." Now, Prine's friends bring ornaments from their new travels, and if the lights go out, John leaves them on and strings a new set.
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6. "Fairytale of New York" Pogues and Kirsty MacColl
Co-songwriter of the song, Shane MacGowan, was born on Christmas Day. This song was inspired by JP Donleavy's 1961 novel of the same title. The author told The Daily Mail December 18, 2009: "Technically I could have taken legal action for piracy but as I know Shane MacGowan - I believe his father is a fan of my work - I decided not to bother." (www.songfacts.com)
"Fairytale of New York" is about the Irish who emigrated to America in the 19th century to escape the potato famine in hopes of making it as entertainers in New York. Many didn't, however, and ended up homeless.
"Fairytale of New York" is considered by many in the UK and Ireland to be the best Christmas song of all time ( 2004 VH1 poll, it was voted the UK's favorite Christmas song of all time.) It was released on the album If I Should Fall From Grace With God.
The basics of the song are about a drunken man thinking back to past Christmas celebrations while incarcerated in a New York City jail. The man remembers a failed relationship and much of the song involves words of bickering and crushed dreams. The recording of the song by the band the Pogues and singer Kirsty MacColl was released in 1987.
Kirsty MacColl was producer Steve Lillywhite's wife.On December 18, 2000, Kirsty MacColl died in a boating accident.
7. "Put the Lights on the Tree" Sufjan Stevens
Detroit-born Stevens is best known for his 2005 album Illinois, which hit number one in the Billboard Top Heatseekers chart, and for the song "Chicago." Stevens began his musical career as a member of Marzuki, a folk-rock band from Holland, Michigan.While in college, he studied the oboe and English horn, which he also plays on his albums. He also plays guitar, piano, drums, and several other instruments in multi-tracking his music.
Back in 2001, Stevens began making annual EPs of traditional carols and songs mixed with his own holiday-themed tunes in order that he could better celebrate Christmas in his own style. Sufjan's Songs For Christmas has five EPs in one box. On the songs, Stevens uses a variety of instruments and writes music in various time signatures.
So, what do you get when you mix super cute vintage-style animation and sweet holiday cheer? “Put the Lights on the Tree” sung by Sufjan Stevens and animated by Tom Eaton. This song has a nostalgic feel that could easily become part of many Christmas traditions.
In 2007, Stevens' encouraged his musically inclined fans to email Stevens their best, original Christmas songs. The winner, in the spirit of gift-giving, would receive the full legal rights to an original Sufjan Stevens Christmas song in trade for rights to the winning song. Here’s a quote from the site:
In the words of Sufjan’s Asthmatic Kitty Records website, “Sufjan’s new song becomes your song. You can hoard it for yourself, sell it to a major soft drink corporation, use it in your daughter’s first Christmas video, or share it for free on your Web site. No one except Sufjan and you will hear his song, unless you decide otherwise.”
More than 600 fans submitted original compositions and a song called "Every Day is Christmas" by Alec Duffy was chosen. Duffy’s song became property of Asthmatic Kitty Records, and as promised, the rights to Stevens’ "The Lonely Man of Winter" went to Duffy.
Of late, beginning with Michigan, Stevens announced an intent to write an album for each of the fifty U.S. states.
8. "Pretty Paper" Roy Orbison
Written by Willie Nelson and released by Roy Orbison in 1963, "Pretty Paper" was also recorded by Willie as the title cut of his first Christmas album in 1978. "Pretty Paper" has been recorded by dozens of artists, including Chris Isaak, Carly Simon and Kenny Chesney. Its message of folks getting too caught up in holiday shopping and failing to spread good will during the holidays rings true in any economy.Willie admits it's a "crying in your beer" song, but the song is also a holiday classic.
"Love Again" was featured in the Christmas movie The Christmas Gift (1986).
John Denver was for years on top of the world, but the success faded in the eighties. Indeed, Denver in the mid-1970s was arguably America's most celebrated male entertainer. His 1973 Greatest Hits album remained on Billboard magazine's chart of top album sellers for about three years. In 1975 and 1976, Denver won four American Music Awards—honors that measured the sentiments of music buyers rather than industry figures. Of his 24 albums released on the RCA label during his lifetime, 14 were eventually certified gold (for sales of 500,000 copies), and eight of those reached the platinum or million-seller mark.
When Denver did perform or record during the 1980s and early 1990s his music often served activist ends. He toured the Soviet Union and recorded a song, "Let Us Begin (What Are We Making Weapons For?)," with Russian vocalist Alexandre Gradsky, and in 1992 he became one of the first Western pop artists to tour in modern-day Communist China. (www.notablebiographies.com)
In an interview conducted by Henk van der Meyden for a Dutch newspaper, De Telegraaf, April 4th 1997, Denver reveals some of the hardships he faced in life:
"That was very hard. In that period also my father died. Those were sad years, but it was nothing compared to the hurt and pain from my recent divorce from Cassandra."
"The last few years were difficult for me. I divorced my second wife Cassendra last year. That pain is not over yet. Divorcing is something terrible."
He looks very vulnerable for a short moment. His whimsical attitude seems an armor to hide the pain, that is still there. The man, who wrote beautiful lovesongs like "Annie's Song" wasn't lucky in love himself.
"After fourteen years my marriage with Annie ended, for whom I wrote that song Annie. That was very hard."
"With Cassandra it seemed I was going to be happy again, but that marriage went over also. Thank goodness I still see my daughter Jessey from that marriage. She is eight years now. For her I have bought a house in Carmel, so I am close to her."
So love hurts for the singer of the romantic country song. Doesn't he have a new girl friend at the moment? "Talking about love is difficult for me", he says. "I don't give my self so easily any more. I have girlfriends, but I am cautious to bind myself again. But love is important in my job. It inspires me to write again."
That's what Denver is asking himself after all disappointments. Will he ever really fall in love again? It seems like he is afraid of binding himself again.
Denver continues,"You are of course a lot on the road. That's not good for your family life. It asks sacrifices. In fact I have started disliking travelling. It is so weary. The singing and performing, that I still enjoy always.But the travelling... Terrible!"
On October 12, 1997, John Denver played golf with friends and looked forward to an hour of flying his new aircraft over the ocean. Several practice takeoffs and landings went off uneventfully, but apparently drained one of the plane's two fuel tanks. Late in the afternoon, onlookers saw Denver's plane plummet into the ocean after what appeared to be an engine failure. The singer was probably killed instantly.
Much has been written about the Christmas Day truce of 1914 during World War I, but Bertie Felstead, a member of the Royal Welch Fusiliers, who died at age 106 in 2001, talked about his own experience of a similar truce in 1915. He recalled the sound of German soldiers singing "Silent Night," barely 100 yards away, which encouraged the British to respond with "Good King Wenceslas." (Diana Condell, "Last Survivor of a Famous First World Christmas Truce," The Guardian, August 3 2001)
The following day there was an impromptu kick-about with a football, and the seasonal fraternization went on for about half an hour, until brought to an abrupt end by a furious British officer, who ordered his men back to the trenches, telling them in no uncertain terms, the brutal truth of their situation. Namely, they were there "to kill the Hun, not make friends with him"
Felstead made a telling comment which explained why the military authorities reacted so strongly against friendly contact with the enemy. Recalling the carols, sung in the trenches on Christmas Eve, he said: "You couldn't hear each other sing like that without it affecting your feelings for the other side?"
And, in fact, the first Christmas truce lasted until January 1915, and there were real worries on the part of the commanders on both sides that there might be difficulty in getting the war started again.
Exquisitely covered by Celtic Thunder on their second album, "Christmas 1915" ends on a fairly optimistic note, but it’s still a horribly depressing song about war’s ability to strip people of their humanity. It starts off incredibly heartening, as “on the Western Front, the guns all died away.” British and German troops lay down their arms to spend the holiday peaceably interacting with one another and reveling together in the beauty of the hymn "Silent Night" despite the language barrier. By song’s end, however, the truce is over, and the men who were friends yesterday are back to killing each other again. Devastating, with the delicate harmonies of the singers reflecting the desire for harmony in the world.
The song is possible the worst tear-jerking holiday song of all time. Well, suffice it to say the cat dies in the end. Listeners either love or hate this song - very little middle ground.
The Cat Carol is a Christmas song, written by Bruce Evans, and performed by Meryn Cadell. It also features performances by talented artists such as Ken Myhr (guitarist from Cowboy Junkies, Jane Siberry), Erica Buss, and Tyler Stewart (Barenaked Ladies).
The Cat Carol has a traditional appeal, but, granted, there’s an underlying humor which keeps it from getting too sucky. It crosses boundaries of age and audience, and has become a Christmas classic.
11. Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight) Ramones
The Ramones… legendary "I Wanna Be Sedated" rockers. In a nutshell, they were four dudes from Queens, New York who all had a musical admiration for bands like the Stooges, the Beatles and Mad Magazine. The band played stripped down no frills anti-corporate rock akin to stuff like Chuck Berry and Elvis Presley. But also when put together, they became as volatile as a bleach and ammonia cocktail in a badly ventilated room.
Stephen Thomas Erlewine in his review for Rhino's Weird Tales of the Ramones boxset said, "The Ramones represented both extremes simultaneously -- sure, they celebrated bad taste and danced with danger, but their music was smartly stupid, knowing, and knowledgeable about pop music. In their heyday -- and, truth be told, also in the years just after their heyday, when they trudged through the '80s as a working band, turning out muddled records yet still retaining their '70s mystique -- being a Ramones fan meant that you were an outsider, something different from the norm."
"Merry Christmas..." offers the Ramones' Christmas quality.
12. "The 12 Days of Christmas" Straight No Chaser
Originally formed over a dozen years ago while students together at Indiana University, the group has reassembled and reemerged as a phenomenon - with a massive fanbase, more than 20 million views on YouTube, numerous national TV appearances, and proven success with two holiday releases, 2008’s HOLIDAY SPIRITS and 2009’s CHRISTMAS CHEERS as well as WITH A TWIST, released this spring.
If the phrase “male a cappella group” conjures up an image of students in blue blazers, ties, and khakis singing traditional college songs on ivied campuses… think again. Straight No Chaser (SNC) are neither strait-laced nor straight-faced, but neither are they vaudeville-style kitsch.
"The 12 Days of Christmas," which incorporates Toto's "Africa," went Top 5 on the Adult Contemporary chart and was Top 10 on the Christmas radio chart.
13. "Christmas In Capetown" Randy Newman
From 1983's Trouble In Paradise album, legendary recording artist/songwriter Randy Newman offers "Christmas In Capetown," a view of his darker side which reconstructs the holiday through the eyes of an Afrikaner racist, so the tale gets told from the point of view of one of those who "went along with the status quo" of the time.
“Christmas In Capetown,” one of the grimmest holiday songs ever, he gives voice to this aging white racist from South Africa who can’t understand that history is very quickly passing him by. Smart, savage, and still a lot more relevant than it should be, this one is ideal for when the season starts to curdle.
Newman's songs include "Sail Away," "Short People," "Mama Told Me Not To Come," "You Can Leave Your Hat On," "I Love L.A.," "Louisiana 1927," and tons of film scores like Ragtime, The Natural, and Toy Story.He has been awarded an Academy Award, three Emmys, four Grammy Awards, and the Governor's Award from the Recording Academy. Nwman was inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame in 2002. And, in 2007, Newman was inducted as a Disney Legend.
14. "Silver Bells" Paul Simon and Steve Martin
The famous pair are in rare form on this rare classic parody.
The origin of this semi-legendary bootleg is a bit of a mystery. Most sources claim that it’s an outtake from an episode of Saturday Night Live, but Martin and Simon were never on the same show at the same time. Further complicating things, Billy Joel—in a magazine interview from 2001—claims that it’s him playing the piano, and that it wasn’t for television at all, but merely the three of them, lubricated on wine, goofing around in a recording studio. Whatever the case, it’s hands-down the funniest version ever made of this classic carol.
15. "In a Christmas Duel" The Hives and Cynid Lauper
Recorded as a special Christmas duet in 2008, Swedish rock band The Hives and singer/songwriter Cyndi Lauper offer another unique take for the holiday season. Let's just say that the pair get a little scrappy. The song juxtaposes sweet music with nasty lyrics.
The Hives explained, "It may sound weird and come as a surprise to some, but we had to. It came to us. It landed in our lap and was way too good to shake or toss. We knew we had to record it. A sign if you will." Cyndi Lauper offered "this goes to show even rat sideswipers can have a good Xmas too."
After a sweet, slow opening, the song kicks into Phil Spector wall of sound style. "I bought no gift this year and I slept with your sister, I know I should have thought twice before I kissed her," Pelle sings on the track, with Lauper responding with lyrics like "I bought no tree this year and I slept with your brother, I wrecked your daddy's car and went down on your mother."
16. "Merry Christmas From the Family" Robert Earl Keen
There's no place like home for the holidays . . . which is a good thing when you have a family like Robert Earl Keen's. As Keen tells it in this wry send-up of all those impossibly sweet, "not like our family" Christmas carols, Mom and Dad got drunk at the Christmas party, sister and brother brought their dubious significant others, the relatives' motor home blew out the Christmas lights, and a convenience store supplied all the goodies.
Robert Earl Keen is a Texas-based singer-songwriter whose ten critically acclaimed albums include Farm Fresh Onions, Gravitational Forces, Walking Distance, Picnic, and No. 2 Live Dinner.A dynamic live performer who averages 125-140 days on the road every year, Keen has been selling out shows from Maine to Mexico and from Washington, D.C., to Seattle for the past ten years.His songs have been recorded by the Dixie Chicks, Nanci Griffith, Lyle Lovett, Kelly Willis, George Strait, Gillian Welch, and Johnny Cash and the Highwaymen, among others..
17. "Back Door Santa" (Cover) Black Crowes
Originally a blues song written by Clarence Carter in collaboration with Marcus Daniel, and originally performed by Carter, "Back Door Santa" was released on a compilation album Soul Christmas in 1968. Also covered by the likes of Bon Jovi and B.B. King, the song makes no bones about Santa's intentions.
Younger listeners might recognize Carter's original version as the basis for the sample on Run D.M.C's "Christmas in Hollis."
This version is a simple, rocking tune by the Black Crowes.
It's sort of unclear if Dylan - who recorded a trilogy of Christianity-themed albums between 1979 and 1981 - was aiming to celebrate the holiday, or gently poke fun at the music's Norman Rockwell-esque simplicity.
2009
In 2009, he released Christmas in the Heart, a collection of traditional holiday classics, including "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," "Little Drummer Boy" and "The First Noel." Also, the polka-inspired "Must Be Santa" was included on the album.
The festive-theme of the video for "Must Be Santa" is arguably a bit bizarre, with the "Blowin' in the Wind" crooner donning different hats and seeming quite out of place, while crazed Christmas revelers dance and party around him. But, it's evident Dylan is having fun and
Dylan will donate all his U.S. royalties from Christmas In the Heart in perpetuity to three charities that aid the hungry: Feeding America, the U.K.-based Crisis and the United Nations' World Food Programme.
19. "Just For Now" Imogen Heap
Londoner Imogen Heap is a Grammy Award-winning British singer, composer and songwriter. She is known for her work as part of the musical duo Frou Frou and her solo albums, which she writes, produces, and mixes. Her two Grammy nominations include a win for Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical.
A skilled multi-instrumentalist, Heap extensively uses manipulated electronic sounds as an integral part of her music. She also mixes ambient sound into her music (such as the sound of a frying pan in use cooking food, in the background of her song "Hide and Seek").
In the "Just For Now" video, Imogen Heap essentially builds the effects, vocals, and beats as she goes along with the use of her synthesizer, records them, and then reuses them. What gets created is this simple, beautiful, raw and organic body of work that involves only her voice, her breathe and her hands she uses to layer one upon another in different harmony sequences. (www.homorazzi.com)
20. "Music Box Blues" Trans-Siberian Orchestra A very special tribute. The video and song speak for themselves.
21. "Lonely This Christmas" Mud
Mud was an English glam band formed in 1966. "Lonely This Christmas" has become something of an annual fixture on British radio and television. Of course, the echoes of Elvis are apparent here.
