“Let me not to the marriage of true minds / Admit impediments. Love is not love / Which alters when it alteration finds, / Or bends with the remover to remove: / O no! it is an ever-fixed mark.”
— William Shakespeare
Like Shakespeare, I believe in love and marriage as "ever-fixed marks." However, what about "true minds" and "impediments" that overwhelm a marriage based on shared love. Love tops the reasons for getting marriaged according to Pew Research Center, but consider now the median age at first marriage had reached its highest point on record: 30 years for men and 28 years for women in 2018, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Delays and real concerns? And divorce rates continue to soar for married lovers.
As the U.S. marriage rate has declined, divorce rates have increased among older American. In 2015, for every 1,000 married adults ages 50 and older, 10 had divorced – up from five in 1990. Among those ages 65 and older, the divorce rate roughly tripled since 1990.
In addition to the half of U.S. adults who were married, 7% were cohabiting in 2016. The number of Americans living with an unmarried partner (a matter of accepting vows) reached about 18 million in 2016, up 29% since 2007. Roughly half of cohabiters are younger than 35 – but cohabitation is rising most quickly among Americans ages 50 and older.
Large majorities of Generation Zers, Millennials, Generation Xers and Baby Boomers say couples living together without being married doesn’t make a difference for our society, according to a 2019 Pew Research Center report. While 54% of those in the Silent Generation say cohabitation doesn’t make a difference in society, about four-in-ten (41%) say it is a bad thing, compared with much smaller shares among younger generations.
and . "8 facts about love and marriage in America." Pew Research Center. February 13, 2019.)
What About Cohabitation and Marriage?
Many couples fall into parallel lives where there is little emotional connection: distance has become the way to solve underlying problems.As a result, problems are never solved but instead swept under the rug and the couple is reduced to only dealing with safe topics.
This sad situation occurs when a legally married couple lives under one roof without sharing any single aspect of their lives. They may continue to reside in the same house due to financial, familial, or practical reasons. However, they may have separate bedrooms, schedules, and interests, and little to no communication or intimacy.
While it can be challenging to live in the same house under these circumstances, some couples choose to maintain the arrangement for the sake of their children or financial stability. Living in this situation can be emotionally draining, so it’s important to seek emotional and mental support externally. Counseling and therapy sessions can play a vital role in preserving your sanity at such times.
For example ...
"Sara and Tom have been together for seven years. They get along, rarely argue, socialize with friends, and have have sexr egularly. But despite all this, both would say that they’ve lost the emotional intimacy they once had. While they’ll eat dinner together, occasionally watch a movie, most of the time, they are each doing their own thing, living in their own worlds."
Sara and Tom, like many couples, are living parallel lives. For some,
it’s not a problem. They each agree that they need a lot of individual
time, are heavily involved in their careers, or expect and can get many
of their needs met through friends and family rather than their
partners. But for many more couples like Sara and Tom, this way of
living represents not a choice but a deterioration of intimacy and
closeness over time.
Problems between partners are, by definition, about conflict on some level. If one or both of the couple are uncomfortable with confrontation and strong emotions, even common, everyday problems can raise too much anxiety. Rather than voicing complaints to solve problems and ultimately get what each need, they pull back, settle for what they get. Distance becomes that way of coping with both conflict and difficulties.
Struggle with emotional regulation
Other couples are not afraid of conflict, but they, too, fail to solve problems. Why? Because their arguments are often explosive. Once they calm down, they may make up --- apologize the next day while making coffee in the kitchen—or give each other the silent treatment for a few days and eventually warm up and pretend nothing has happened. What they don’t do is circle back and talk about the problem that started the argument. Again, why? Because they are afraid that it will lead to replaying the awful argument all over again. As a result, they, too, sweep issues under the rug.
Where are they both getting stuck? The conflict-avoidant couples struggle with approaching complex issues while the arguing folks struggle to regulate their emotions so arguments aren’t so hurtful. What they have in common is that these unsolved problems become landmines that they, you, constantly need to step around. Because you are always walking on eggshells, the openness and honesty that intimacy requires withers as unspoken resentments accumulate. You only talk about “safe” topics—office gossip, logistics, the weather. Rather than focusing on your relationship as a couple, you both become work or child-centered, which only pushes you further apart.
Lacking common interests
Finally, some couples can solve problems but have become distant because they lack common interests. Common interests are what bind us together at the start of a relationship, but over time this bind can weaken simply because you each grow and change. If you have taken the path of building your relationship around work or children, these fragile ties can dissolve altogether with retirement or children leaving home.
What To Do? Married but Living Separate Lives in The Same House
So, the Natural Question Is -- "Wouldn't it be better to split -- even if it has its own challenges -- and allow each spouse to find new quarters for dwelling which could lead to better relationships?" With frequent fights occurring, loneliness in solitude, and little common interest, many couple opt out of living together in the negative conditions.
I would venture lack of finance and attention to mutual children keep most alone/together relationships going. Romance, common interests, spontaneity, and emotional support die with this more-distant arrangement: a shared roof does not make a viable home, even for two. It makes one ask, "What did I ever see in this person, anyway?" Time becomes tortuous as living together drives deep spikes into once-loving hearts. "Till death do us part"? -- perhaps there is an earthly state worse than death, a long, suspended need for love.
When two people care deeply for each other, spending as much time together as possible becomes a priority. Is it possible to sustain a relationship as committed as marriage while living separately?
Living apart? The basic concept of loving separately is that two people can love each other deeply without living together in a common household. These people care about each other and want to continue being together as a couple, but can't seem to mesh their lifestyles or personalities enough to live together. They also may split to see harmonizing family relationships or attending to unbearable living conditions under the same roof.
After all from a practical standpoint, living together might make sense to keep costs low, but emotionally, a couple that lives together 24/7 can fall into a rut of routine and end up taking each other for granted or drive each other crazy with personal quirks and habits. Many couples fall into arguing and begin to destroy what they want to preserve: The loving relationship with each other. It is no wonder that “irreconcilable differences” is a popular reason for divorce.
Couples with relationship issues who struggle to keep their love alive know they love each other, but they can not go on as is -- together in one dwelling. A rising number of people are realizing that loving someone does not equate living with someone. These couples question traditional types of relationships and assumptions about love. They are also coming to acknowledge that what matters is what works for them and not for society in general. The couples that choose to live apart, but continue their relationship, can be said to be doing everything they can to maintain their marriage.
These couples question traditional types of relationships and assumptions about love. They come to acknowledge that what matters is what works for them and not for society in general. The couples that choose to live apart, but continue their relationship, can be said to be doing everything they can to maintain their marriage.
In Britain the social trend has its very own name: Living Apart Together relationships (or LATs). The Office of National Statistics for Britain claim three in twenty people aged 16 to 59 are enjoying both love and independent living arrangements.In fact, those that opt for loving separately find that their relationships improve drastically when each person has his own independent space in which to live. When they do spend time together, the moments are appreciated and often devoid of conflict.
("Loving Separately: When Living Together Isn't Working." Everyday Health. https://www.everydayhealth.com/healthy-living/healthy-home/loving-separately-when-living-together-isnt-working/)
Is loving separately wrong or strange? Not at all; it's simply a different way of carrying out a relationship with another person while challenging common perceptions and traditional assumptions of love and togetherness. Loving separately is about two people embracing their relationship while maintaining their individuality, as well as their home, whether married or in a committed relationship without the bonds of matrimony. Loving separately is all about love and nothing else.
God knows that living/together in the sense of individual consideration in many failed marriages is an answer frequently sought. Loneliness is often deeply felt although two people remain together for whatever reasons. Perhaps, the couple would be happier and more hopeful in separate quarters. "I do" sours to "I did." And, I believe a person's happiness depends upon his/her own feelings, not that of a companion
Sanctuary
People pray to each other. The way I say "you" to someone else,
respectfully, intimately, desperately. The way someone says
"you" to me, hopefully, expectantly, intensely ...
—Huub Oosterhuis
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