Once I Was ... "The Pretender"

"I want to know what became of the changes
We waited for love to bring
Were they only the fitful dreams
Of some greater awakening?
I've been aware of the time going by
They say in the end it's the wink of an eye
When the morning light comes streaming in
You'll get up and do it again
Amen.

"Caught between the longing for love
And the struggle for the legal tender
Where the sirens sing and the church bells ring
And the junk man pounds his fender.
Where the veterans dream of the fight
Fast asleep at the traffic light
And the children solemnly wait
For the ice cream vendor
Out into the cool of the evening
Strolls the Pretender
He knows that all his hopes and dreams
Begin and end there

"Ah the laughter of the lovers
As they run through the night
Leaving nothing for the others
But to choose off and fight
And tear at the world with all their might
While the ships bearing their dreams
Sail out of sight"

-- Jackson Browne, excerpts from "The Pretender 

Like I did as a kid, did you believe that growing up doing your best in life would, somehow, make all of your dreams magically happen? In other words did your juvenile brain think "all I have to do is follow great wisdom, do all the right things, and be bestowed with wealth, health, and overwhelming happiness"? I once believed things in my life would then align themselves with all of my human ambitions. You know, I actually trusted that I would be ordained -- order the right, beautiful woman to love; live in the quintessential, shiny white two-story surrounded by a flowering landscape; have perfect children; and achieve unmitigated, fairy-tale success in all of my work endeavors.

Somewhere in my early adulthood these enchanted rewards met reality. Camelot disappeared, and my immediate future became clouded by tough college courses, a multitude of bills, and employment requiring strict, long-hours of preparation and action. Time became so precious that I wrangled with what might keep my good intentions -- and fading dreams -- on track. I constantly began sacrificing what I once considered critical parts of my future and quickly dealt with some unimaginable failures. As Jackson Browne sang in "The Pretender," ships bearing my dreams sailed out of sight." Why? I will never know. And Karma -- I don't believe in that shit.

It seems even good luck took a holiday. In short, my life challenges became exceedingly difficult, and times became extraordinarily tough. The proverbial "fun bubble" burst, and, at first, I greatly resisted the change. Dreams and good intentions? Hell, I simply couldn't fathom that this new phase of rugged, independent living was always there waiting for me to arrive. It quickly became apparent any significant blessing in my life required hard work, a changed attitude, and new, industrial-strength fortitude. 

I did learn much from the struggle, yet few, if any of my lessons involved Disney-like, sweet, lovely endings. Of course, my doting parents and steadfast brother helped me deal with many challenges. For having them in my corner, I am eternally grateful. However, little did I know it, but I was just beginning to discover how life becomes a challenge whether you feel ready for it or not -- life involving constant round after round full of uncertainty, and apt to persistently importune in wrecking all without regret. My sheltered early existence and belief in good fate both came crashing down. Questions entered -- who? what? when? and that unrelenting "how" hit me squarely in the face. In summary, what I alone accomplished came only after difficult, and often uncontrollable, resistance that I had to defeat or risk utter failure.

I often tell youth not to simply "put all their chips" into such visionary, juvenile dreams that suggest living well accomplishes all their purposes. Change, desire, aggressive persistence and even failure enter into the happiness equation. Perhaps a "kick in the tooth" delivers a usable answer and a invaluable lesson. As Michelle Obama once said, "Grief and resilience live together." Our choice is either to recover or to enter into dark disbelief. In reality, the spectrum of human experience is broad and will forever remain open for resiliency and change. That resilience is based on our compassion -- both for ourselves and for others. So, kid, dream but also prepare yourself for obstacles and a possible change of heart. So much living is trial and error.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all." 

— Emily Dickinson

What is the formula to achieve beautiful dreams that always come true? I would say go to Disneyland and experience the fantasy of such an unrealistic state there. Bask in beauty and loving fortune. Yet, for those wise enough to realize life is not perfectly scripted, simply wake up, accept the next challenge, and work hard to inspire hope in all situations. Skip the idea of extravagant, unrestrained imagination and simple learn to build your own real "amusement ride" with your own heart and brain. It won't be easy, but it will be much more dependable and permanent. Plus, it will satisfy you.