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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

For the Folks

I am very sorry that I cannot justify being everything my wife and children would like me to be. I have reached a crossroads of understanding, and, quite frankly, I find myself out of gas. Wouldn't it be great to be the absolute best in the world? How wonderful that must feel. Whenever I put myself in a place where people's judgment is needed, I find myself falling short in their expectations. Without justification for my actions, I am allowing my past to control totally my future. I am the problem with their lives. I have decided not to make excuses for my miscalculations and mistakes. I prefer to swallow the bitter bites of my so-called afflictions and let those around me think as they may. I admit to many faults so anyone with honest ill feelings can rest assured their vengeance has been justified. Saint I am not, so let those who judge take an obligation to their own future purity. I would like nothing more than some support at times, but this is out of the question. I can honestly say I remember no time when "thank you" was expressed with extreme commitment and conviction. Conditions, yes, but unconditional appreciation, no. So, I must have been to blame for the vast majority of problems. In light of the serious nature of this writing, I want nothing other than regard. I am feeling these emotions and I would like them to be understood. In no way do I wish to change the past or expect to change future mutual relationships. Let it be what it is. I was wrong in many respects, and I wish those concerned to continue to believe I was wrong. I am spelling out my best brief summary of these matters. After many, many years, I expect no more than this platform. I was a lousy husband and a lousy dad. I would like to take this time to apologize for not being what you had hoped I would be. My disregard has been extremely unfortunate and, evidently, extremely hurtful. My alien feelings toward my wife and children have cast doubts on any successful future relationships. I am sorry and this needs no consolation from you. Feel better in knowing that, at 58, I have little to expect in niceties and graces. Take something from this in a positive manner if at all possible. If not, forget it like a bad dream. I will take hell for being blunt, yet I will take hell for just "being myself" anyway. I'm pretty much past being deflated at this point. Maybe something in the last 30 years will redeem itself at some point. If there were more to give, you would be welcome to it. Unfortunately, what has already been given wasn't enough to offset feelings of blame. What was the point of hanging around? I don't really know. Maybe some of it was wishful thinking. I am too confused about any loyalty at this point to be sure. Maybe I was too stubborn to see you would benefit more without me. Maybe I just resist change. I guess all that matters is that I just wasn't very good. All I can say is that I am sorry. My tomorrows are too full of indecision and imbalance to count for much. Please don't give me a bunch of shit for yesterday, today, or tomorrow. And, whatever you do, don't explain anything to me. Put a period. Nothing can change it. The Old Ass, Frank
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