These Are the Times, Mr. Paine

Thomas Paine wrote this on December 23, 1776: "These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny like hell is not easily conquered yet we have this consolation with us, the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value." Of course, Paine wrote these lines in the frightful times of the American Revolution. However,don't they still ring just as true today? Little has dimmed the message since its first printing. Patriots still "deserve the love and thanks of man and woman." The terrorism patriots face is indeed "tyranny that is not easily conquered." And, the value of what is obtained in the ongoing struggle still gives "everything its value." Less well known is another Thomas Paine quote: "The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion." Paine believed in the importance of improving conditions of all world inhabitants. Almost prophetic in view, Paine's statement seems more suited to the 21st Century than to his own 18th Century. The United States now finds itself in a world community of very complicated interdependence. Since America's independence, the country has grown increasingly dependent on world trade, world alliances, and better world relations. Most citizens of the United States seem more than willing to reap the benefits of this interdependence, but less of these people are less than willing to face the consequences of dealing with its hardships. The economy is hurting and many blame foreign interests. The armed services are engaged in struggles to insure the safety of its citizenry, yet many are quick to disapprove of military actions. Criticisms upon criticisms seem to daily remind us that these are still "the times that try men's souls." And, unfortunately, "summer soldiers" still shrink as their climate becomes bleaker. Maybe these, indeed, are very trying, hard times in which to live. Many things seem never to change in some people's perspective of living through such trials. And to be honest, how much of this oppression is self-administered? How many negative aspects of these "trying times" are Americans willing to claim come from within their borders? Maybe we should look in the mirror to find a blameworthy individual. People can no longer expect to attain cheaply the guarantees of a happy existence through just wishes or inheritance. All must act and all must play vital roles in the world. In a struggle to maintain certain good qualities and to change other negative aspects of a modern world, people are going to meet stiff resistance. Global tyranny is both bold and elusive. Dealing with visible threats and hidden dangers, patriots are still willing to risk their lives to defend freedom. As Thomas Paine said long ago, "the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph." And, so it goes with "doing good" all over the globe.

Clean Machines

Admit it, doesn't it feel better to drive a clean car? Not only do you feel better while driving a clean automobile, you seem to actually drive better, probably since your reaffirmed pride in the condition of the car makes you a little more cautious of those who may ruin your new wash.

After managing a car wash for three years, I noticed this instant increase in self-respect when a customer got his car washed. It seemed to be pretty much across-the-board satisfaction as well. Even those driving a "clunker" were happy to get the car clean. I've seen people get car washes in vehicles that looked almost junkyard bound due to various poor conditions, yet, when clean, these clunker drivers reared back in self-glorification as they drove their dirtless autos away.

Teenagers cleaning and polishing their autos in anticipation of the prom or a big date were often meticulous in their concerns to remove every possible speck of unwanted foreign matter inside and outside their vehicles. I wondered how this teenage cleanliness compared to the condition of their rooms at home. It's funny how motivation can make all the difference.

Sometimes, older people were extremely critical in their appraisal of a wash. I began to wonder if old age contributed to making sure they were "getting their dollar's worth" or if age merely gave them added incentive to take care of their valued possessions. Regardless, with a shining car, seniors drove away with smiles on their faces.

I've witnessed several times people getting a wash in the driving rain. This behavior, I must admit, I did not understand. Did they just wish to throw their money away? Maybe, psychologically, they got the same boost of joy or pride others got but the "rain washers" got it out of the very act of washing, even if their auto was going to be clean only in the bay. This speaks of pretty temporary satisfaction.

I need to draw out the point once more. People feel better and drive better in a clean car. So, I am proposing a new law based on a pretty good principle that is sure to cut down on accidents through better defensive driving. Maybe, the state needs to pass a law that requires motorists to drive clean cars. I know there are few kinks to work on in that proposal such as, "How do you define "clean"? and "How do you expect people to clean their autos in inclement weather?"

Maybe someone can help me. I think I'm onto something here though. Safety first, I've always heard. And, come to think of it, law enforcement officers were some of our best clients.

Wake Up, America!

I challenge you, my friends, to sit down with your children today and teach them all the proper ways to behave and think. Since we have determined our convictions, it's about time we teach our convictions to those whom we love best. For decades, I have heard about the lesser bad effects of marijuana use versus the effects of alcohol use. I think to prove a conviction here, parents should light up in front of their children, let them see their parents high, and teach their children to smoke marijuana when they grow up instead of drinking beer. They would be doing a great justice to health care and to crime. Stoners are good, productive citizens with proven track records. It's about time for them to advocate usage to youth in order that the young people of today will live in a safer, reefer-filled world. Next, the sex talk. I think children should definitely be taught the advantages of bisexuality. Teaching kids that "bi is best" would lesson their fear and aggression toward any sexual persuasion. This is a new, accepting society that needs to be taught and reinforced very early in life that total freedom of sexual expression will not only help release unneeded pressures during adolescence but also encourage vital sexual experimentation during those "formative" years.

Bisexuality increases a person's chances of meeting people of diversity, and the variety presented to participants guarantees a lower divorce rate, when and if "traditional" marriages occur. Bi instruction seems to be the only sex-ed that can offer benefits to all persuasions. Society needs to shift from a procreation message to a toleration message. It's about time to put belief into action. After all, sex today is not all about having children and traditional heterosexual couplings are failing at an alarming rate. It's also about time to follow PETA's lead and teach our children to stop eating animals of any kind. In fact, vegan is the safest choice. No animal deserves to suffer, be it for food source or for clothing source, or for any source. Begin today by cutting meat from the family diet. And, please no bleeding hearts for meat substitutes-- these are like giving little boys toy guns to play with--the potential for using the real thing is the false message here.

This program of change can begin with the child's new selections at fast food restaurants as well as changes to the family diet. Imagine the savings and the health benefits which also positively impacts the health care system. Society must pressure insurance companies to demand their customers stop eating animals or pay increased premium rates to cover health care expenses. Speaking of pain, do plants suffer? Switzerland has already issued a document outlining the ethical treatment of plants. The document generously allows that "any action with or towards plants that serves the self-preservation of humans [is] morally justified." Why do plants have to suffer needlessly? There is an extra lesson to teach the kids. And finally, talk with your children about the "gansta" culture. Why are the kids being punished for this behavior? It is what they are programmed to do by the culture and it's about time to recognize that and respond accordingly. For example, gangsta rap is music describing the reality of inner-city life, and the rappers are only adopting a character, like an actor playing a role, which behaves in ways that they may not necessarily endorse. Since the '80s it has become the most commercially lucrative subgenre of hip hop. While the music reflects the violent lifestyle and deals with subjects such as homophobia, violence, racism, black supremacy, profanity, promiscuity, misogyny, rape, street gangs, drive-by shootings, vandalism, thievery, drug dealing, alcohol abuse, substance abuse and materialism, it, according to Spike Lee, is like black minstrel shows acted in an ignorant manner for the entertainment of audiences. Kids may need to be reinforced in their right and need to role play these important issues. Parents should play gangsta music with their children and show them the advantages of partaking such roles. In fact, parents should support the industry themselves by buying products to promote gangsta culture. Psychologists can relate the harm done to young people who are denied outlets for their playful aggressive feelings. Violence, as it relates to children, can be productive as play. If parents themselves were to imitate gangsta culture and behavior, the children would feel even safer in such real environments and understand criminal acts can be fun. How can a deeper look into reality be harmful? Perhaps play followed by field trips to areas rich in gansta culture would be most beneficial. Well, today is the day to put belief into action. To take the first step toward a better, more diverse, and more understanding America, parents must get off their soap boxes and receive their calls to action. Live it, America, and begin to reap the results. For some of us, attitude adjustments may have to be made, but the majority will certainly conform.

Do it now. That is, if you believe in it.

The Scuds

I know we love the afflicted in our society, at least those the media reminds us daily to love. Anyone with celebrity who sadly falls victim to tragedy or misfortune is caught in the lens and personalized, sympathized, and eulogized. As we all listen to the commentator and follow his instructions about how we should react to the event, we ponder how the "news" will change our own lives. You know, I was thinking... how much sympathy and time of day we give to the "scuds." As we go about our daily lives beyond the reach of the tube, we encounter the scud. In fact, we encounter scores of Scuds everywhere we go. The Scuds are knee-deep at Walmart, at Krogers, at the gas station, at Bob Evans, at school. There they are, spending our tax money on things they can't afford. Hell, we can't even escape the Scuds that live down the street when we return to our humble homes. How did the Scuds manage to move in there anyway? Just who are these Skuds? They're the poor, dirty, skanky, in-breeding, cigarette-smoking, lottery-ticket-buying, screaming-kids-hanging-all-over-them, junky-car-driving segment of our Appalachian society. We would prefer to ignore them, but it's just impossible to keep their ignorant asses out of our way. And they love to get close to us when we're doing our important daily routines. I think the Scuds would keep to their crack-smoking selves in shame. Why do they want to be in the places that we would prefer to be filled with normal, good-smelling, law-abiding people like us? There should be a law, you know: someone should make Scud-free zones where we could shop and eat and drive in peace. Well, at least we don't live in California or Florida where other new Scuds would be arriving from Mexico and Asia by the hundreds on a daily basis. Thank God for small blessings. We do have a little control over where our Scuds tend to settle. I bet you don't even hear any English in some of those states. Who in the hell do they think they are, anyway, coming into our country? And, what really is bad is how freaking irresponsible these welfare Scuds are. They don't have any reason to work and they become single parents who hand down defective traits to their kids. Nothing is worse than a third generation Scud whose lazy ass doesn't care about nothing but popping pills and bottles of beer. There's your crime. Then, what does the government do? They create programs that Scuds can enter to get our money. It's a joke-- the government could be using these dollars to help build wages for the common working people employed in industries that need bailed out. Scuds don't pay taxes anyway. Why should they get any advantage? Or, officials should put their dollars into programs that focus on important issues like abortion and protecting our borders from hordes of immigrants. Scuds don't care about the issues that good people want addressed. What is going to happen to retirement? It's all because of the Scuds that Social Security is in such bad shape. So, let's keep ignoring these poor people who occupy spaces so close to us. They don't deserve any help from us. Let them starve and work at McDonald's flipping hamburgers until they just fade away or get a proper education. In the meantime, we must ban together to develop some effective anti-scud methods of our own. This is the only way to save this great nation of ours. Now, excuse me, I have to get back to my reality television shows. Aw, did you hear about what happened to poor Donald Trump the other day? Some Facts about Welfare to Work Stereotypes:

Myth: Poverty Results From a Lack of Responsibility Fact: Poverty Results From Low Wages Myth: A Huge Chunk of My Tax Dollars Supports Welfare Recipients Fact: Welfare Costs 1 Percent of the Federal Budget Myth: People on Welfare Become Permanently Dependent on the Support Fact: Movement off Welfare Rolls Is Frequent Myth: Most Welfare Recipients Are African American Women Fact: Most Welfare Recipients Are Children-Most Women on Welfare Are White Myth: Welfare Encourages Out-of- Wedlock Births and Large Families Fact: The Average Welfare Family Is No Bigger Than the Average Nonwelfare Family Myth: Welfare Families Use Their Benefits to Fund Extravagance Fact: Welfare Families Live Far Below the Poverty Line --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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