The Big 40th Reunion

Saturday will be my 40th Class Reunion. The event brings back many fond memories of friends, activities, and antics that I shared with my classmates. High school was like a big old ice cream cone to me: it was a cool, smooth treat that brought a smile to my face and left a lingering good taste in my mouth.

Sure, going to high school presented some problems, but I even cherish those difficulties as essential learning experiences. Our class numbered around 90 members, and, by graduation, most of us knew each other pretty well. I can't remember a time when something interesting wasn't going on, even in our little town. We matured quite a bit together, probably not enough, but good fun and comradeship was the order of each day.

Then, the party ended as suddenly as it had begun-- people went away to college, left town for employment, got married, and served in the military. In other words, everybody started walking different paths instead of collectively walking the halls of Valley High School. No longer did we have a guaranteed congregation of friends in our daily lives. My circle of good friends shrunk, literally, overnight. By the end of the summer after graduation, most of the class became ghosts of my past.
Reality bit pretty hard in the fall of 1969 when I entered college. I turned the page to this new chapter of life with considerable regret.

The thought of seeing my classmates again is both sweet and bitter. Our class has lost a few people since graduation, and they will be sorely missed. But, the majority are still alive, and I hope to find them in relatively good health and happy. Over time, I have missed their friendship, and we will be celebrating a milestone at year forty -- the older, gentler, kinder version of ourselves.

I usually am a little discouraged that many choose not to attend, but I'm sure they have good reasons for their absence. And, after all, reunions are not everyone's cup of tea. As for me, I'm not very good at "catching up" activities at class reunions. During conversations with my old classmates, I look them in the eye and see them once again as high school seniors. Then, I often lose my train of inquiry as I remember things we did together in high school, making the present conversation something basically unheard that I know I wouldn't remember anyway. After all, my short-term memory is not nearly as good as it used to be.

Here is an example of my train of thought:

"How have you been, Dave?"

 "Oh, I'm just fine, Frank. Just me and the wife now. All the kids are grown up. We're living in Georgia."

 "Oh, Georgia huh? What part of the state?"

MY MIND DRIFTS ... and I'm back in the classroom ...

"Hey, Sue! Dave just put a tack in the seat of Mr. National Honor Society when he put his problem on the board. Oh wow, here he comes back to his seat. Owwl! Ha, ha. Look at him grab his ass!"

"Sorry, Dave. Where did you say you lived?"

Also, some class reunion conversations cause my "could haves" to reappear. The "could haves" include the close games we lost, the girls I should have dated, the activities I messed up, the people I didn't thank -- all of those now regrettable twists of fate I ignored or mishandled. And suddenly, proms and drafts and girls and bands and sports scholarships and goals and beers and kisses and injuries start rolling through my mind on an old, endless roll of high school replays. These many images with new added embellishments and old emotions mix together in a roller coaster ride of memories long ago.

Then, the equality of once all being just "students" is shattered as everyone clamors to find out who is now a success and who is now a loser. To that revelation add the ironies-- affluent nerds and preacher outlaws and all-American rejects and beauty queen frumps-- and comments like "My gosh!" and "I would never have believed it!" begin to cloud the room. Salary judgments, physical judgments, and availability judgments make their customary rounds. Out come the divorces, the set-backs, the ailments- and they all must be weighed. And, finally, the concept of "we're going to put this class back together" for one evening seems pretty fruitless. In fact, putting together something already fragmented is a noble idea, but nearly, if not impossible.

At best, the reunion is a commemoration of "what used to be" and an evaluation of "what we had hoped to be." A new memory together is made until the next reunion occurs. The photographer takes the mandatory class photo to preserve the memory of those who may pass away before another reunion and to verify that the person in the photo really did attend. The DJ plays the oldies which evoke personal memories of a class's past that seldom have meaning for present husbands and wives and some couples dance tenuously hoping neither to be labeled a "show off" or to appear too physically impaired.

My class's rallying call was "Sin, sex, beer and wine. We're the class of '69." At the 40th reunion, I think we should amend the motto to "Wishful thinking, once a month, water and get your backs aligned. We're the old farts of 2009."

Reality brings me to the point of this entry. The best part of the reunion for me is my dumb little fantasy of time travel. For one evening every five years, my soul reverts to eighteen. I relive it knowing that going back is possible in only one place- my mind. The familiar eyes I contact will see someone I used to be, and in that suspension of aging and time, my eyes will allow me to return the favor. I loved high school even if all that is left of the experience today is a few drips in the shell of an empty cone.

 Eighteen Performed by Alice Cooper (Bruce, Cooper, Dunaway, Smith, Buxton)

Lines form on my face and hands
Lines form from the ups and downs
I'm in the middle without any plans
I'm a boy and I'm a man I'm eighteen and I don't know what I want
Eighteen I just don't know what I want
Eighteen I gotta get away I gotta get out of this place
I'll go runnin' in outer space

Oh yeah I got a baby's brain and an old man's heart
Took eighteen years to get this far
Don't always know what I'm talkin' about
Feels like I'm livin in the middle of doubt
Cause I'm Eighteen I get confused every day
Eighteen I just don't know what to say
Eighteen I gotta get away

Lines form on my face and my hands
Lines form on the left and right
I'm in the middle the middle of life
I'm a boy and I'm a man
I'm eighteen and I LIKE IT
Yes I like it
Oh I like it
Love it Like it Love it
Eighteen! Eighteen! Eighteen!
Eighteen and I LIKE IT

Power of Forgiveness

Without forgiveness relationships would not work. As Gandhi said, "In an eye for an eye world, the world would soon be blind." How do people then forgive a betrayal from a friend, a parent, a child, or from our spouse? Karl Loszak, M.D., suggests there are three kinds of forgiveness-- implicit, explicit, and transcendent.

(1) Implicit forgiveness is something that occurs within a person, such as when someone forgives himself or herself for transgressing or when a person forgives aging parents for mistreatment while growing up.

(2) Explicit forgiveness is the kind that takes place between two people in their everyday lives, and it can involve all sorts of nuances—for example, power plays or deal making, such as "If you do so-and-so, I'll forgive you this time."

(3) Transcendent forgiveness, unlike explicit forgiveness, has no strings attached and consists of forgiving devastating acts.

Do people forgive who broke their hearts, who let them down in thousands of tiny and big ways that added up to ruination, or do they risk feeling like bad children all over again and tell those others they simply can’t forgive? Forgiveness is not a singular, staged apology. Because forgiveness isn’t an act of will, it’s a process not an event. Forgiveness is a behavior practiced by learned people over a period of time. In time, forgiveness becomes natural and cathartic as people work toward transcendent levels.

Refusing to forgive is really saying, "Instead of taking some action to improve matters, I prefer to live in the past, and blame somebody (or myself) for it." Not forgiving one's self is a choice to stay on a guilt trip so a person can deliberately go through some extra mental anguish. Some relish the anger as a source of inflicting pain for their own shortcomings. In forgiveness, being able to separate the deed from the person is very important. "You don't forgive the deed; it was done and it was wrong. But you can forgive the person and what made him or her so angry." Events in people's lives shaped them and drove them to the decisions they made. In that manner, everyone falls victim to their past. People commit less than attractive deeds all of the time as human nature. Parents brought children up the best way they knew how. Based on the information they had, and the example that was set for them, they ventured forth into the unknown territories known as "marriage" and "parenthood." To blame them endlessly for a lousy job of being a spouse or being a parent is fruitless and destructive. People may come to understand that even if they had the perfect parent or mate that somehow fought their way back through time and sailed in on angel wings toward them, it would still not be enough. Unfortunately, some people never forgive their transgressors and mess up their lives just to demonstrate to them what a lousy job they have done! Their message is, "It is your fault that I am broke and lonely and unhappy so now you can watch me suffer!" Blaming the weather never helped anybody. The same goes for blaming other people. How miserable to never expect sunshine. These emotions can immobilize people, by making them fixate on the offense and not on the solution. Blaming other people never got anyone anywhere. The moment they stop blaming others, they are in a position to take some action to improve things. Blaming is an excuse to do nothing about reality-an excuse not to take action. The past? The truth is people can do now nothing to change the reality of what has happened; however, things can be done to resolve whatever feelings with which a person is currently dealing. John Doe might say, "I'll forgive you, but I can't forget". John Doe is really saying, "I'll forgive you a little bit, but I want to hang on to some of this stuff just in case it is convenient to remind you about it later on." Real forgiveness is letting go, no reminders attached. Here are some facts about forgiveness: 1. You hurt, but the hurt will not be the final word on the matter. 2. You can choose to continue to remain the victim. Distance through anger is really no distance at all. It's a constant, pain-filled connection. 3. You can choose to let go of some pain, whose time has now past. 4. You can make amends along with an apology to accelerate forgiveness. 5. You can reduce the likelihood of future conflict with people with your willingness to forgive them. 6. You can lift your stressful burdens and increase your own happiness through forgiveness. 7. You can re regulate you limbic systems in healing relationships, slowly laying down new neural wiring in order to have a different response to the same life situation in the future. 8. You can choose not to postpone living and loving again until such time when someone finally takes responsibility for the hurt they've caused and turns around and sees you. 9. You can accept responsibility for your own state of wholeness, which, at the end of the day, any sage will tell you is the quickest way to enlightenment. While people blame God, blame others and blame themselves, they are avoiding the real issue which is to do something about the problem. It is always OUR CHOICE whether we get on with our life and live in the now, or whether we chain ourselves to grudges and upsets of the past.

"Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence." -Sholem Asch

Man As a Second-class Citizen

Are men in America quickly becoming second-class citizens? From the office to the marital bed, millions of men say feminism has turned them into second-class citizens. Viewed less than providers for wives and children, many men no longer have that sense of self in a family unit. They no longer share their forebears' sense of entitlement. Here are some some examples of change.

(1) 52 per cent of men believe they have to live by women's rules, and a staggering 82 per cent feel they have lost their traditional male role in society.

(2) For most men, this loss of control means feeling undervalued, their voices and opinions unheard.

(3) For the first time in history a majority of American women are not living with a spouse.

(4) At the end of last year, a survey revealed that 39 per cent of women who work full-time earn more than their partner. That means 1.8 million women in full-time work across the country now earn more than their partners.

(5) Women now often out-perform men financially and especially educationally.

(6) Role reversal in society coincided with a fundamental shift in the nature of work itself, as Western countries changed from labor-based to knowledge-based economies, thus eliminating the need for brawn and physical strength.

(7) Indeed, the new demands of the workplace, requiring multi-tasking and human interaction, positively favoring women over men.

(8) The modern world, which often forces new mothers back into the workplace within weeks of giving birth, and which sees the business of raising children as somehow "second class" has meant that neither men nor women now take the same sort of pride in being moms and dads.

(9) Men are portrayed as stupid and inferior to women in movies, television shows and commercials.

(10) If a woman tells a joke that insults men it's "all in good fun," whereas if a man tells a joke that's insulting towards women, he's a sexist woman hater.

(11) If a man gets a woman pregnant and she keeps the child, she receives child support for 18 years even if that man doesn't want to be a father. If the woman decides to give the baby away, however, the man has little or no say in the matter.

(12) No longer can a woman ( a professional career woman or a lesbian) who wants a baby but not a man use men as free sperm donors. In effect these women are stealing babies from fathers. If they really want this they will have to buy their sperm from a sperm bank where men have signed away their paternal rights. This prevents the woman from seeking child support from a man, who didn’t know he was a father, when the woman has financial problems.

(13) If a man cheats on his wife, she can divorce him and take his children away, allowing him to see them only on weekends (if he's lucky). If a woman cheats on a man, her husband can divorce her, and she gets to keep the kids and allow him to so see them only on weekends (if he's lucky).

(14) (Even if positive) the legitimacy of men’s monopoly of political and institutional power has weakened dramatically, upsetting the lines of power for many men.

(15) (Even if positive) Public alternatives to heterosexuality have emerged, and new (more unisex) images of alternative masculine identity are evident.

If the new roles of women are to work, then society needs a constructive understanding in the ways it needs the strengths of men, without leaving the doors open for a neo-fascist interpretation for the breakdown of the family and a macho backlash to role reversal. To be male-positive is to believe that men can change, to support efforts at positive change, to recognise the positive aspects of masculinity, and to be oriented towards enhancing men’s lives.