Style From a Man's Point of View

Style may be defined as "the state of being popular in fashionable elegance." Style, for women, involves conducting themselves in a distinctive manner of expression that evokes beauty and grace. Women have stylistic rules of fashion and fashionable behaviors that govern their very earthly existence: they eat, breathe, and sleep in style. Women sell their very souls to maintain a stylish lifestyle, spending enormous amounts of money to accentuate proper trends and designs. On the other hand, most men do not comprehend style in these terms. Men know style exists, and they dabble in trying certain stylistic options, but they usually are satisfied as being creatures of habit. With a laissez faire attitude, men often ignore style completely, occasionally count on their feminine friends to advise them of stylistic issues when in dire straits, or remotely consider a brush with style as "getting in touch with their feminine side." To men, style is evident in the design of a sports car or in the unique manner in which a superstar plays a sport. But, in matters of fashion, most men are amoebas. With that in mind, I have compiled some important masculine non-stylistic beliefs and demeanor. I think these will help make the male perspective more palatable to those women who insist that "men don't know jack" about such matters. 1. Men don't care about matching color and style of clothing. Why do colors have to match? Men are the bold, showy sex of the animal kingdom. Any color combination is acceptable "man fashion," no matter how motley the appearance. Shirts, jeans, socks, underwear -- the important feature to a man is comfort. So what if the color combination is shockingly kaleidoscopic, and the cut of the clothes is sloppy and incorrectly tailored? That is the fashion statement of the male: His gaudy, often vivid, display is inherent in male sexuality. The truth be known, women love to dress men in color-coordinated, trendy outfits much like they used to dress Ken, Barbie's heartthrob. Men supply this feminine need. 2. Men like to wear shoes that are so "broken in" that they are merely extensions of their feet. With shoes, not only comfort, but that "lived in" look is very important to men. Shoes get better with age, and as they scar and scratch, they reveal their mature character. Men will wear one pair of favorite shoes, any color or style, with any form of clothes until the footwear literally falls apart. It's too bad the cobbler is nonexistent because men would resole, retread, and reheel their best shoes for an entire lifetime. And, men understand that tennis shoes go well with any formal dress. Loafers, of course, match everything also while eliminating the troublesome problem of becoming untied. 3. Men can never find a fashionable hairstyle that looks right, so any hair style is proper fashion for a man. Hair is a beautiful adornment to a woman. To a man, hair is like plant growth on a chia pet -- unpredictable and crass. It is pigmented filament covering the scalp that grows in every possible direction. No matter how a man shampoos it, conditions it, sprays it, mousses it, curls it, greases it, colors it, or combs it, hair is just wild stuff on the top of his head. Men have no more idea of what hair style looks good on them than their vanity allows. A man looks like either an outdated youth or a costumed fool with a new hair style. So, the logical answer for a man is not to worry about the style of the cut and merely let others adjust to the desired outcome. That is also the reason men love baseball caps. Caps cover the obvious mismatch of hairy proportions. 4. Men can't tell an expensive fragrance from a cheap imitation or Old Spice. It's a proven Funk and Wagnalls' fact that women are more sensitive to environmental odors. When a man smells, it's for food, sex, or survival. Men inherently smell in animalistic fashion. Women, though, are conditioned to believe scent brings a greater well-being and pleasure to their lives. Witness the popularity of aroma therapy and aromatherapeutic devices in respect to women. To a man, if it smells, it smells. Men's noses can't distinguish subtle differences in aromas and identify certain expensive scents. If it's BBQ, it smells delicious to a man, no matter if it's steak, ribs, chicken, or horse. Body fragrances work the same way for men. If it smells strong and spicy- men will put it on their bodies. 5. Men see their jewelry as slick color, gold or silver, and the bigger, the better. Men cannot tell imitation jewelry from the real goods. They look at the sheen of the color and basically buy by gaudiness. If men can get a good deal on jewelry that is big and shiny, they buy. Matching gold and silver is not a problem for men. In fact, since both elements give a rich appearance, they usually wear gold and silver imitations together to make the observer think they have plenty of both. The same applies to diamonds. To men, diamonds are basically hard rocks that hold no magical sentimentality. Big cubic zirconia, Elvis style, is the answer. And, to men, Foster Grant makes the coveted cheap sunglasses that give the cool look. 6. Men see no need to change clothing fashion with trend, season, or age. Cars- yes, clothes- no. Once a man gets into his comfortable look, he holds onto a good thing. Men wear short sleeve shirts and light jackets in the winter. New colors of the season are foreign to the male mind except maybe when choosing camouflage in hunting season. Geezers believe they look good in cut-off jean shorts and T-shirts. And, they prefer to buy new clothes and wear them over and over to get the "worn look," not buy clothes that look already used. Prints on shirts are just variety, not fashion, to men, so any print-- lines, polka-dots, slogans-- break a little monotony. Finally, white socks are classic. What could be more beautifully basic and timeless than white socks? Men wear them with jeans, pants, suits-- very all-purpose and practical.

What Is Hell?

I think I need to ruminate about my conceptions of hell. When I think of the dark abyss, I think in forms of actual earthly people and concepts. To me, this is very frightening. Reality jolts a person's sense of the supernatural. Here are some bad scenarios for hell. Satan forces me to listen to rap music 24/7 on his only radio station. The only pole dancers at the stripper bar I must attend are Roseanne Barr and Rosey O'Donnell. My eternal bunky roommate is Perez Hilton. I must daily watch four walls of video screens playing soap opera episodes over and over. I am forced to wear headphones that repeat a soundtrack of every mistake I have ever made in my life. I must survive on a daily diet of tofu and liver. The only beer that is served is Iron City. The only football games that are broadcast are the Michigan Wolverines and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Richard Simmons leads the required daily "Sweatin' to the Oldies" exercise class. Making idle chit-chat with Tammy Fay Bakker is mandatory. The only coffee available is caffeine-free. Dr. Phil is my psychoanalysis. Dr. Kevorkian is my physician. I am forced to have to think like a woman. Foreplay is a minimum of four hours. Required attire is pants below the ass underwear and hoodies.

Differences Between a Man and a Woman

In my continued attempts at narrowing the understanding of the gender gap, I am introducing some important differences between men and women. Some of these differences are based on research, and, quite frankly, some are based on shared personal experiences. Enter this strange realm of sexual generalizations at your own risk. And, please pause to "read between the lines" as you go along. I think much of the knowledge passed on here will create instant associations. And, maybe something will add a laugh to your day. Men appreciate the importance of a 42 inch plasma screen. Women do not. Women report more sadness and anxiety than men, but men who are upset report more craving for alcohol. Women crave chocolate; men crave meat. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. A man will question a woman filled with silicone by wondering, "Is this woman really who she seems to be?" While a woman filled with silicone believes the man desires her to have nose jobs, huge breast enhancements, and bee-stung pumped lips. A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't need because it's on sale. When entering a room, men look for exits, estimating a possible threat, and ways of escape, while women pay attention to the guests’ faces to find out who they are and how they feel. Women have the "Oh dear, the toilet paper is on its last sheet; must replace it immediately" gene. This is entirely absent in men who have the "Oh s..t! Can you pass me a toilet roll, honey?" gene. Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Armstrong Custer. Men grasp a situation as a whole and think globally, while women think locally, relying on details and nuances. Men do not even bother to look for something, then ask where it is and hope that it was the woman who put it away. Men are more independent in their thoughts and actions, while women are more willing to follow the ideas suggested by others.

Men have no opinions about curtains. Women can muse about them for days.

Women’s self-appraisal is lower than that of men. Women tend to criticize themselves, while men are more satisfied with their own performance.

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from a hotel.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 481. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Men are motivated by conquest. They tend to define themselves by their work and accomplishments. Women are motivated by nurture. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. Men tend to have a "fight or flight" response to stress situations while women seem to approach these situations with a "tend and befriend" strategy during times of stress to take care of themselves and their children (tending) and form strong group bonds (befriending). Women pick up on subtleties and then think about them. Men need things explained IN CAPITAL LETTERS before the message gets through. For men, they typically complain about a problem because they would like to come up with a solution as fast as possible. For women, complaining about a problem is more of a "reel or a way of voicing-out their feelings – because they want their problems to be acknowledged, thereby feeling better – they are generally not looking for the issue to be instantly solved. Women could never invent weapons that kill, only ones that make you feel really bad and guilty until you surrender. Men desire a urinal to pee in while, obviously, a woman is willing to put up with his bad trajectories. Women recall every outfit they have worn for the past two decades. Men cannot remember what they were wearing yesterday without looking on the floor next to the bed. Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, but a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Answering Tough Questions

You always want an answer to your questions. I have a few reasons you may not find your answer:

Because besides Judge Judy, no one else in the world knows the real scoop Because you're the first person whoever asked me questions about that dumb poop Because when I say "because" that represents everything that there is Because the correct answer to your question is just none of your danged biz Because Albert Einstein has been dead and gone for many, many years Because I am sure I could never gulp down that much ice cold beer Because no one can remember the place George W. Bush was last seen Because you can't expect to know about the places that you've never been Because some questions are never meant to be really answered at all Because if I tell you, the complex systems of civilization will all fall Because my mind is too occupied with decoding remaining secrets of DNA Because you would die in fear finding out the real date of Judgment Day Because the CIA and FBI both swore me to a vow of total secrecy Because you couldn't live with the truth the way I know it to be Because you would learn something about yourself you didn't want to know Because then you wouldn't be the only one left to eat the yellow snow Because when you have all the answers, I have to change the key Because some things exist that very young eyes should never see Because the response is so complex you'd have to get a brain transplant Because the Geico caveman and his wife are really your uncle and aunt Because you think a Rhodes scholar is the big boss on the state road crew Because after the answer it would still be something that you never knew Because you make me feel as if I am small and my mind is blank Because you jumped ship with all the rats when my first ship sank