It's Always Crowded Down At the End of Lonely Street

"About one in five Americans is lonely,

a gnawing emotional state

that is a patchwork of feeling unhappy,

stressed out, friendless and hostile."

-National Institute on Aging

For the past three decades John T. Cacioppo has studied human isolation and connection. In his recent book, Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, coauthored with William Patrick, he arrives at a startling conclusion:

"Humans are inherently unselfish,

or at least they need to be for their health

and the perpetuation of their genes."

According to Cacioppo, we survive and prosper only because we are socially connected to each other. He contends the proof to this theory relies upon the existence of loneliness.

What is loneliness?

Psychosocial rehabilitation specialist Kendra Cherry says,

"While common definitions of loneliness

 describe it as a state of solitude or being alone,

loneliness is actually a state of mind."  

(Kendra Cherry, "Loneliness," About.com Guide, 2012)

Of course, we know loneliness can cause feelings of being empty and unwanted. People who feel unwanted crave human contact, but something in their state of mind makes it difficult for them to form connections. Psychologists believe loneliness is not necessarily about "being alone" in a physical sense. Instead, it is the perception of being alone and isolated that matters most. Perception refers to a person's mental organization and interpretation of sensory information

For example, think of how a college freshman or a soldier deployed to a foreign country feels lonely. Although both are surrounded by peers and other people, they may enter a lonely state of mind. Cacioppo believes the perception of loneliness is strongly connected to genetics and some other variables that may affect loneliness are physical isolation, moving to a new location, low self esteem, divorce, death of a loved one, or depression.

So, what do lonely people do?

* They tend to be more hostile.

* They tend to eat food with higher contents of sugar and fat.

* They have greater resistance to blood flow in their veins.

* They produce more cortisol, a stress-related hormone that also helps regulate the conversion of carbohydrates to energy.

* As they become older, 

(a) They develop impaired immunity.

(b) They get less restful sleep.

(c) They experience greater cognitive decline.

A Little Loneliness Can Be Good

Cacioppo believes the increased production of cortisol is part of the evolutionary story of loneliness.

"Much like the threat of physical pain, loneliness protects your social body. It lets you know when social connections start to fray, and causes the brain to go on alert for social threats," claims Cacioppo. ("Loneliness 'Can Kill You', Scientists Say," Health, March 5 2012) 

A primitive man who was alone was in constant fear of predators, which caused stress. Being socially connected was a means of survival for him and his genes. Loneliness is the signal that the wells of empathy and care around us are in danger of going dry.

Cacioppo had previously found evidence that suggests loneliness is partly inherited. He explains that there is sort of a "genetic thermostat" of loneliness that measures differently in different people. "You're not inheriting loneliness; you're inheriting how painful it feels to be alone," Cacioppo says.

Loneliness doesn't just make people feel unhappy; it actually makes them feel unsafe. Cacioppo surmises that the distress people feel is their body sending warning signals when people feel they are drifting away from the their group.


Too Much Loneliness Can Be Bad

Burt Uchino, a professor who led a research study at the Universities of Utah and North Carolina, found: "People who have no social life are fifty per cent more likely to die early than those who are well connected." The research showed that people with little social support have a mortality rate as high as alcoholics, while the impact of making friends is comparable to the effect of giving up smoking. These researchers analysed data from 148 studies over three decades and involving more than 300,000 people. ("Being Lonely 'Can Kill You', Research Shows," The Telegraph, September 14 2010)

The Need For Further "Loneliness" Understanding

John Cacioppo believes we still are in need of serious scientific research on the determinants of interpersonal attraction and satisfying, long-term relationships. As I read his articles, I found myself better understanding some concepts about loneliness and social contact that are very close to me. I often wonder how life seems to have gotten "more lonely in the crowd," and I wonder what the future holds in a society that devalues actual human contact. I felt I had to use some long quotes from Cacioppo today to help us all consider "all the lonely people."

"Through most of human history, life consisted of a set of reciprocal obligations to parents, to children, to other relatives, to the honor of the family and perhaps the village. During the 20th century, the importance of social bonds has been given little more weight than the importance of clean air and water.

"The decline of stable communities, along with the mechanization of life and death had introduced a sense of alienation. The traditional means of pair-bonding, guided in large part by family and societal considerations, gave way to the influences of juvenile fantasies and outward appearances.

"Walter Lippman warned us a century ago that "we have changed our environment more quickly than we have changed ourselves.'

"A. E. Houseman described a new kind of person, 'alone and afraid, in a world I never made.'"

Cacioppo continues to extol the need for study concerning interpersonal attraction and satisfying, long-term relationships.

"What is the evidence that such a science is needed? The divorce rate remains around 50%, and the conditions of social isolation are growing at an alarming rate. In 1990, 21 percent of U.S. households with children under 18 were headed by a single parent; by 2000, the proportion of single parent households had grown to 29 percent. There are now more than 27 million Americans living alone.

"According to the middle projections by the U.S. Census Bureau (1996), the number of people living alone will grow to almost 29 million by 2010 - more than a 30% increase since 1980. General Social Survey respondents in 2004 were three times more likely than respondents in 1985 to report having no one with whom to discuss important matters. The modal respondent reported three confidants in 1985, and no confidants in 2004.

"Although we like to think of ourselves as mythic individualists, we are fundamentally social organisms. We are born to the most prolonged period of abject dependency of any mammal. For the species to survive, human infants must instantly engage their parents in protective behavior, and the parents must care enough about their offspring to nurture and protect them.

"Even once grown we are not particularly splendid physical specimens. Other animals can run faster, see and smell better, and fight more effectively than we can. Our major evolutionary advantage is our brain and ability to communicate, remember, plan, and work together. Our survival depends on our collective abilities, not our individual might. Our very health and well being depend on our ability to form and maintain satisfying social connections with one another."

(John Cacioppo, Ph.D., "It's Time For a Science of Social Connection,"

Connections in Psychology Today, July 16 2010)

 

"If we can improve the compatibility

and health of couples,

children will be raised

in more nurturing

and stable families,

which in turn

will produce better schools,

neighborhoods, communities,

cities, and societies."

-Neil Clark Warren

Loneliness and Risk

 
“The strength of social isolation as a risk factor is comparable 

to obesity, sedentary lifestyles and possibly even smoking."

-John Cacioppo, the Tiffany and Margaret Blake Distinguished 
Service Professor in Psychology 

John Cacioppo is director of an interdisciplinary team of investigators studying loneliness as part of the Mind-Body Network of the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation. He reported his findings in a paper titled “Biological Costs of Social Stress in the Elderly” at the August, 2000 meeting of the American Psychological Association in Washington, D.C.

The findings about loneliness are significant because lifestyle changes have altered the structure of the family, the traditional source of emotional support. U.S. Census Bureau projections in 2000 showed that by 2010, 31 million Americans would be living alone, a 40 percent increase from 1980.

Being alone is not the only cause of loneliness, however.Cacioppo explains that loneliness is characterized by three conditions: isolation (such as absence or distance from a romantic partner), feelings of being disconnected (not having close friends) and feelings of not belonging (not identifying with or not being accepted by valued social groups). (Bill Harms, "New Research Reveals How Loneliness Can Undermine Health," The University of Chicago Chronicle, August 17, 2000)

Loneliness

It has been estimated that approximately 60 million people in the United States, or 20% of the total population, feel lonely. (John Cacioppo and William Patrick, Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, 2008). Another study found that 12% of Americans have no one with whom to spend free time or to discuss important matters. (N.A. Christakis, N.A. and J.H. Fowler, Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives, 2009)

What is the difference between "aloneness" and "loneliness"? The answer is very simplistic. A person who is alone is by himself. The person may or may not feel lonely when alone, but the only important condition for being alone is that no one else is around. To be lonely is to suffer the feelings of loneliness, to want people, social contact, and yet be unable to get any.

So, it is quite possible for a person to feel lonely in solitude or while in the middle of a crowd.. Loneliness is, therefore, a subjective experience: if a person thinks he is lonely, then he is lonely.

Types of Loneliness

1. State Loneliness

State loneliness is generated more by the environment than by the person. For example, a person may experience state loneliness when it's a long rainy day and he has nothing to do or when he goes on vacation and he is missing his friends at home. A person who rarely experiences loneliness suffers state loneliness, and it usually doesn't last very long. This so-called "state" of loneliness is based on the state or situation the person is physically in.

2. Trait Loneliness

Someone who experiences loneliness most of the time is said to exhibit trait loneliness. This loneliness is generated from the person, although particular circumstances might aggravate the experience. It occurs irrespective of the kind of situation that the person is in. The inherent traits of the person make him feel lonely..

Some trait lonely people seem to have given up on trying to solve their loneliness, and they withdraw from painful situations of loneliness. Other trait lonely people appear to be lonely while trying to find that special someone for themselves: they show “separation distress without an object” while looking for a caregiver. (Shawn Seepersad, "Loneliness: What Is It and How To Get Rid of It," www.selfgrowth.com)

 3. State-Trait Loneliness

When both trait and state loneliness come together, they mutually affect each other. They both get intertwined in such a way that one becomes the cause of the other and one enhances the severity of the other. This whole condition gives rise to a new highly complicated condition, which means more and more trouble for the individual. This new condition can be termed as state-trait loneliness.

According to blogger Saif Farooqui, PhD, "In a way, it can be said that trait loneliness prolongs the time period of state loneliness. The same state loneliness that gets over within a few days or weeks for others is prolonged almost indefinitely for a person with trait loneliness."

Since state loneliness is prolonged, it increases the troubles for the individual. This further has a negative affect on trait loneliness. The characteristics related to trait loneliness, like melancholy, shyness, being socially anxious, depression, etc. get intensified. Trait loneliness becomes more and more exacerbated.

Farooqui states,"This whole condition causes the person to lose complete interest in all activities, both personally as well as socially. The individual begins to suffer from state anhedonia. Anhedonia is the total loss of interest in activities and an inability to experience pleasure, even from normal pleasurable activities." ("When Trait and State Loneliness Come Together," www.wellsphere.com, November 4 2009)

Overcoming Loneliness

Cacioppo says that a lifetime of loneliness leads to diminished health, as people experience continued high blood pressure and chronic sleep deprivation. But, these people can improve their health by learning to overcome loneliness -- they can become contributing members to school, neighborhood, church or community groups. By reaching out to make friends and helping others, people can increase their connections with others.

Of course, some severely lonely people should seek professional care.

Here are some practical suggestions for the lonely from Grantley Morris. (Not to be sold. © Copyright, 2004, 2008 Grantley Morris. Not to be copied in whole or in part without citing this entire paragraph. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings by Grantley Morris available free at the following internet site: http://www.net-burst.net/singles/lonely.htm. Freely you have received, freely give.) Click on the link and check out Grantley's site "Overcoming Loneliness" for complete information on these suggestions.

1. Know that loneliness is a state of mind, not a life sentence.
2. Learn how to like yourself.
3. Avoid dependency on another human being for your own happiness.
4. Exercise.
5. Discover smile power.
6. Avoid the "poor me" syndrome.
7. Focus on giving, not receiving.

Alone
by Maya Angelou
Lying, thinking Last night How to find my soul a home Where water is not thirsty And bread loaf is not stone I came up with one thing And I don't believe I'm wrong That nobody, But nobody Can make it out here alone. Alone, all alone Nobody, but nobody Can make it out here alone. There are some millionaires With money they can't use Their wives run round like banshees Their children sing the blues They've got expensive doctors To cure their hearts of stone. But nobody No, nobody Can make it out here alone. Alone, all alone Nobody, but nobody Can make it out here alone. Now if you listen closely I'll tell you what I know Storm clouds are gathering The wind is gonna blow The race of man is suffering And I can hear the moan, 'Cause nobody, But nobody Can make it out here alone. Alone, all alone Nobody, but nobody Can make it out here alone.   http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15624

"You never thought you'd be alone This far down the line And I know what's been on your mind You're afraid it's all been wasted time" "Wasted Time" Henley/Frey Recorded by the Eagles

Loneliness is hard to define largely because it is an subjective experience, much like chronic pain. Researchers have called it a deficit in quantity and/or quality of social relationships resulting in unpleasant feelings. Experts have called it, "Gnawing distress without redeeming features." (2001, University of Missouri) Loneliness is a universal phenomena. Is it a paradox of humankind that we all seek to fill a need that seems impossible to be completely satisfied? Many people live lonely, wanting lives. Some people experience loneliness as a fleeting feeling that visits them on a cold and gloomy rainy day when human contact becomes minimal and they are left only with isolated thoughts in their heads. This is known as state loneliness because the state of conditions in which the person finds himself/herself appears to trigger the feeling. Others experience loneliness as a curse, a shadow that follows them all the time, constantly lurking behind every human relationship. They develop trait loneliness often leading to withdrawal from painful situations. This loneliness can dominate human experience. Depression and loneliness can coexist and share many common features. Loneliness is relative to personal beliefs about how many relationships the person suffering should have. Those suffering from clinical depression feel rejected and worthless. Anecdotal evidence suggests loneliness can be very medically significant and even life threatening. Research suggests those who feel lonely have more health problems and a shorter life expectancy than others. Some data actually exists that finds the statistical impact of loneliness on heart disease appears to be equal to the impact of smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. (University of Missouri) People react to loneliness in different ways. One common reaction is frustration and agitation. The lonely also may become sad and apathetic, leading to fear and hopelessness. Or, they may become angry, bitter, and hostile. How a lonely person reacts is usually based on attribution- whether the person sees the problem as external or internal, fixed or changeable. Interestingly enough, John Cacioppo, Director of the "Social Isolation, Loneliness, Health and the Aging Process," research states, "This is not simply about being alone. Some people can be physically isolated, yet not feel a sense of loneliness. Conversely, people can be married and have children, yet feel excluded and alone. We're focusing on people who perceive themselves to be socially isolated or disconnected."

Only the Lonely Know

A starless night stands bare in an onyx sky A dim streetlamp glows softly in the airy night A neglected toothbrush rests alone on cold white sink A rowboat struggles upon the waves of the open sea A romantic letter severs ties with "I love you" A past now gone remains in a pair of empty shoes

A liver-spotted hand embraces an old photograph
A lover's last goodbye speaks through a ticket torn in half

A bright beam seeps though an insignificant crack
A shaft of sunlight breaks onto a sylvan path

A dark silhouette stands alone on an abandoned beach
A lonesome child sits on a swing and drags his feet

A portrait stares from a dirty window frame
A sheet of music lies silent and never played

A distant siren wails in the summer heat
A homeless beggar wanders a filthy urban street

A hollow stem grows through a broken walk
A black cat begins a silent midnight stalk.

A glass pane frowns broken teeth in an abandoned home
Trembling knees support a weary head left to weep alone

A lonely fir tree desperately grasping steep craggy ground
A mourning dove on a telephone wire coos lamenting sounds

An unstable lover remains beside a mute telephone
An evicted family packs up the remnants of their home

Loneliness stalks the darkened lives of every soul and heart
Waiting for all reluctant victims to play their empty parts