The "Perfect Marriage" Travels a Rocky Road

Perfection is an adaptive concept people have built to motivate themselves to greater heights. Of course, nothing is wrong with the desire to strive for flawlessness and to set high performance standards. Many extremely successful individuals employ a concept of perfection to achieve great productivity and superior accomplishment. They view perfectionism as a means to provide the motivation to persevere in the face of discouragement and obstacles. These people understand perfection within reason.

As good as this may seem, many people unfortunately believe that ideals of perfection exist in an absolute, real, and permanent state. In this maladaptive form, perfectionism drives people to attempt to achieve unattainable ideals akin to a supernatural accomplishments. As they pressure themselves to achieve unrealistic goals, striving for perfection inevitably sets them up for disappointment.

Maladaptive perfectionists actually fear imperfection. Unlike those who strive for excellence, perfectionists cannot take mistakes as incentives to work harder. Unhealthy perfectionists consider their mistakes a sign of personal defect. For these people, anxiety about potential failure is the reason perfectionism is felt as a burden. They also tend to dissociate themselves from their flaws, or what they believe are flaws, and become very hypercritical of others.

In its pathological form, perfectionism can be extremely damaging. It can take the form of procrastination when used to postpone tasks and self-deprecation when used to excuse poor performance or to seek sympathy and affirmation from other people.

The Perfect Relationship?

The desire to be perfect ironically dooms many people in loving relationships to ultimate unhappiness. The Maker did not construct humans to be perfect. Instead, like machines, His human creations wear down and need repair. If those in relationships don't realize that certain cogs in their coupling also deteriorate due to constant friction and aging, they will refuse to change and refuse to seek reparation. Then, they view the lack of perfection in their union to be the fault of themselves or of their partner. Of course, blame is applied and relationships can break.

When you think about it, who could tolerate a partner who is perfect? A perfect mate would constantly be concerned about being less than impeccable. Consumed with ideals of precision, that person would find little in others to satisfy their own high expectations. The perfect person would be entirely self-absorbed in egotistical endeavors to maintain a false sense of self.

And, to me, it would be the same with the perception of a "perfect" marriage. Those who believe in a perfect marriage lose all touch with humanity. And, I'm not talking about acknowledging the occasion disagreement or serious crisis. Some naively believe a perfect marriage is one with few problems. In my view, any lasting coupling endures nearly as much stormy weather as it basks in sunny days. Understanding the inevitability of incoming storms is essential to building a union that can withstand the intensity of the rainfall that occurs year after year and to forming shelters that preserve the spousal alliance.

To have an elevated opinion of union can be so detrimental that it may lead to one person leaving the relationship at the first hint of imperfection. Without forgiveness and compromise, any marriage, no matter the initial romantic interest, is either phony or insincere. When I see photos of couples with captions that read something like this: "Forty years together and still in love," I think not of perfect love and soul mates, but rather of patience, adaptability, and mutual hard work.

Young lovers, if I might give you some personal advice based strictly upon my experience, I would offer the following: "Any state of marital happiness in longevity is achieved by mutual agreement and dedication by both spouses to repair inevasible misery, not by blind acceptance that the strength of an unwavering and unchanging love will always bind the union."

I am not belittling Christian vows of wedlock and love; however, I do believe at the time of marriage, the rust has yet to accumulate on the relationship, and most couples have no idea what to do when it does. They, in their loving intoxication, sincerely believe faith alone will suffice. I, for one, don't buy that mere faith and trust in love do this with regularity. The divorce rate proves Christian married couples who take solemn pledges of union do divorce in great numbers. Partnerships that last require both spouses to learn to modify and to adjust their initial concepts of the "perfect marriage."

Some psychologists would say the closest thing to achieving perfection lies in the ability to be fully present. Without any distracting thoughts, measuring or grading themselves, people would be free to really be in the moment. Yet, who can really achieve this? I don't think it is possible to live in this state, and I do know perfectionists couldn't because they would be constantly critiquing the past while replaying their every decision or worrying about their futures.

As far as couples go, seeking vitality seems to be a far better strategy for success than seeking perfection. These days, doing this is usually described by peaking sexual satisfaction with prescriptions, vibrators, and other genital stimulants. But, in fact, revitalizing a marriage involves more of a mind adventure launched by employing the most important organ, the human brain. The brain is the member that rescues relationships during their darkest hours -- it contains storehouses of mystery, novelty, and invention.

Mary Laner, professor of sociology at Arizona State University, studied the marital expectations of unmarried college students. She compared their expectations with those of people who have been married for about 10 years. The significantly higher expectations held by the students, she says, come straight out of the “happily ever after” fantasy.

“'Such irrationality can lead us to conclude that when the ‘thrill is gone,’ or when the marriage or partner doesn’t live up to our inflated ideals, divorce or abandonment of the marriage in some other form is the solution,' Laner says.

“'We think that our partner can meet all our needs, know what we’re thinking, and love us even when we’re not terribly lovable. When those things don’t happen, then we blame our partner,' Laner says. 'We think that maybe if we had a different spouse, it would be better.'”

(Tara Blanv. "The Myth of the Perfect Marriage." Psych Central. 2012)

It seems rather harsh to advise young folks to stop believing in a perfect marriage. Although the advice of accepting the perfect marriage as is myth demands lowering expectations of bliss, it is a necessary lesson for those about to take "the plunge." People who expect too much in the union frequently doom themselves to disappointment.

This impervious demand for unrealistic marriages seems to be happening all around us. The idealistic view of perfection has led so many to a point where they expect one person to meet an impossible volume of needs. It has even made researchers question a promising future for traditional marriage.

According to Laner, "It’s our common lot in this kind of society to place very high expectations on those primary relationships to fulfill all of our needs, to match our dreams, to do everything for us that the seemingly cold outer society doesn’t do."

She believes the move away from tribal or village economies into a mass society also has fostered the sense of individualism; a sense that has had an impact on our expectations.

“When you break away from those kinds of economies and get into more depersonalized societies, you get individualistic thinking,” Laner says. “We tend to think ‘when I marry, this is what I want, these are the expectations I have for getting married.’ More collective thinking would be: ‘when I marry, it will be what’s good for my village.’"

Damn, that idea really puts a monkey wrench into my skull. "Marrying for the village" seems generous enough, but it also seems to suggest others in the village may be needed to fill a person's most basic human needs. Trust and jealousy are such major issues in love that I question whether communal concerns with coupling would improve anything.

Besides, Laner doesn’t foresee that expectations will change.

“Why would we go back to a time when marriage was an economic or political kind of deal? We don’t live in the kind of society where families or tribes or villages want to tie themselves to one another through the marriage bond,” she says. “If anything, we’ll have more individualism and more failed expectations.”

I wholehearted agree with Laner about one of her conclusions. She says, “We don’t adequately prepare anyone for marriage, even though we know that somewhere between 70 and 90 percent of the population is going to be married."

“People expect too much of one another. All that does is cause so many bad relationships,” one of Laner's students says. “People need to be more open-minded and educated more when they’re younger.” I say, "Amen," to that observation.

The Eagles sang, "Love will keep us alive." It's a great, romantic lyric, but it feeds the myth of perfect union. Romance, hot and heavy passion, and undying love are wonderful, beautiful parts of marriage that add to its longevity, yet I still think when the manure hits the instrument producing nasty currents of muck, the resulting emotional bruises and stinking messes require patience and compromise for a return to happiness. And, these virtues can only be applied and allowed to work over a course of time, not on the spur of the moment. Crappy crises between couples are inevitable, so cleanup is a required part of a successful union.

Well, now that I have degraded just about everything sacred in marriage, I might as well leave with one last questionable cliche to extend the metaphor in the last paragraph. Both partners in a marriage must occasionally bite, chew, and swallow equal parts of the old shit "sammitch." Thank goodness, a good marriage has so much other good cuisine. A nasty gob or two every now and then actually reminds us that we don't live in a fantasy world. Striving for perfection is so much better than expecting perfection, and I believe it makes all the difference in the pleasant "taste" of a union. 

"Wasn't marriage, like life, unstimulating and unprofitable and somewhat empty when too well ordered and protected and guarded. Wasn't it finer, more splendid, more nourishing, when it was, 

like life itself, a mixture of the sordid and the magnificent; 

of mud and stars; of earth and flowers; of love and hate and laughter 

and tears and ugliness and beauty and hurt." 

 

~Edna Ferber, Show Boat, 1926

God Save Us From Perfection!

"This is the very perfection of a man, 

to find our his own imperfections."

 --Saint Augustine

You fret, sweat, and toil over something you want to be perfect in your life. Still, no matter how much you plan and work to achieve the ideal, you can bet on one thing -- something is going to mar the product of your tremendous industry. Understanding any road to the destination of satisfaction is full of potholes becomes the modis operandi of people who know how to "roll."

Where would you be without a drive toward perfectionism? After all, this motivation can provide the driving energy which leads to great achievement. It pushes you to give meticulous attention to detail and helps provide necessary, sustained commitment that insures success. Striving towards the highest attainable standards is admirable, and this view of achieving perfection is healthy and normal.

Although there is a general perfectionism that affects all realms of life, researchers contend there are two distinct types of perfectionism, classifying people as normal perfectionists or neurotic perfectionists. What is the difference between normal and abnormal?

* Normal perfectionists pursue perfection without compromising their self-esteem, and derive pleasure from their efforts. 

* Neurotic perfectionists strive for unrealistic goals and consistently feel dissatisfied when they cannot reach them. In its pathological form, perfectionism is an unhealthy belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable.

(D.E.  Hamachek, "Psychodynamics of Normal and Neurotic Perfectionism." 

 Psychology 15. 1978)

So, What Is "Perfectly" Acceptable?

In Delta of the Metaphysics, Aristotle describes "perfect" in three shades of one meaning:

1) Which is complete- which contains all the requisite parts;
2) Which is good that nothing of the kind could be better;
3) Which has attained its purpose.

One astute reader, Curtis Edward Clark, used these words to explain the important difference shades of meaning:

"Perfection in #1 means all the requisite parts are there, as when the doctor tell the new mother her child is "perfect." It may not remain that way, but for now it has all its fingers and toes, it's breathing, and it appears healthy. This is 'fairly well subsumed' within #2. #3 means that a thing which has a purpose has completed its purpose, such as an acorn becoming an oak, or a pianist completing Rachmaninoff's Third Piano Concerto such that he receives a standing ovation rather than boos."

Aristotle argues that virtue is achieved by maintaining the Mean, which is the balance between two excesses. According to Aristotle, happiness consists in achieving, through the course of a whole lifetime, all the goods — health, wealth, knowledge, friends — that lead to the perfection of human nature and to the enrichment of human life. It's a balancing act that would be difficult for the Flying Wallendas.  Pursuing the greater good and maintaining balance is painful and requires sacrifice.

The Greatest Perfection Is Imperfection

The parallel existence of two concepts of perfection, one strict ("perfection," as such) and the other loose ("excellence"), has given rise to a paradox: that the greatest perfection is imperfection. This was formulated by Lucilio Vanini (1585–1619), who had a precursor in the 16th-century writer Joseph Juste Scaliger, and they in turn referred to the ancient philosopher Empedocles.  Their argument, as given by the first two, was that if the world were perfect, it could not improve and so would lack "true perfection," which depends on progress.

To Empedocles, according to Vanini, perfection depends on incompleteness ("perfectio propter imperfectionem"), since the latter possesses a potential for development and for complementing with new characteristics ("perfectio complementii").

 It Ain't Over Until It's Over

Happiness in modern America is often conceived of as a subjective state of mind, as when one says one is happy when one is enjoying a cool beer on a hot day, or is out “having fun” with one’s friends. For Aristotle, however, happiness is a final end or goal that encompasses the totality of one’s life. It is not something that can be gained or lost in a few hours, like pleasurable sensations. It is more like the ultimate value of your life as lived up to this moment, measuring how well you have lived up to your full potential as a human being.

"For this reason, one cannot really make any pronouncements about whether one has lived a happy life until it is over, just as we would not say of a football game that it was a “great game” at halftime (indeed we know of many such games that turn out to be blowouts or duds). For the same reason we cannot say that children are happy, any more than we can say that an acorn is a tree, for the potential for a flourishing human life has not yet been realized. As Aristotle says, 'for as it is not one swallow or one fine day that makes a spring, so it is not one day or a short time that makes a man blessed and happy.'” 

("The Pursuit of Happiness." pursuit-of-happiness.org. 2013)

My Take

Perfection, as understood by many neurotics, is unrealistic. Demanding perfection without compromise is a sure formula for disaster. You cannot be a complete, happy individual without flexibility. Maintaining high expectations with the perception that nothing is good enough results in anger and agitation which produce disappointment and continued frustration.

You must push for being the best you can be. That allows completeness and serves your essential, high purposes. But, at the same time, you must understand that, as a human being, you are incomplete and perfectly imperfect. Everything you do well will likely inflict scars of your battles to maintain a "perfect" balance. These marks are not defects, but instead, they are reminders of work well done.

These later years of my life, I find that perfection scares the hell out of me. The idea that perfect people live perfect lives in their perfect worlds conjures images of the living dead. Perfect people are deceased in the manner that they have attained their end -- they are creatures of their own perceived perfectly attained contentment.

These demigods believe that in their perfection, they shine like solitaire diamonds demanding esteem from all. And, honestly, many people are willing to afford them the undeserved status of precious saints. The American public has been groomed to worship material and superficial perfection.


In reality, any real measure of a perfect life involves a long process of enduring immense pressures and extreme temperatures over a long period of time -- hard times on a soul that resembles an old chunk of coal. The perfectionist cannot comprehend the pluperfect "diamond" of existence because it is something that occurred earlier than the time being considered, when the time being considered is already in the past. Only the Maker defines true perfection and a fall in Eden cost mankind any perfectionist dreams.

Perfection by Robert William Service

If I could practice what I preach,
Of fellows there would few be finer;
If I were true to what I teach
My life would be a lot diviner.
If I would act the way I speak,
Of halo I might be a winner:
The spirit wills, the flesh is weak,--
I'm just a simple sinner.
Six days I stray,--on number seven
I try to be a little better,
And stake a tiny claim on Heaven
By clinging close to gospel letter.
My pew I occupy on Sunday,
And though I draw the line at snoring,
I must admit I long for Monday,
And find the sermon boring.

Although from godly grace I fall,
For sensed with sin my every act is,
'Twere better not to preach at all,
Then I would have no need to practice.
So Sabbath day I'll sneak away,
And though the Church grieve my defection,
In sunny woodland I will pray:
"God save us from Perfection!"