A Friend... Indeed.

I believe everyone was placed on earth to contribute to the well being of others. Most definitely, close friends and family stand out to us as sweet wells of kindness and contribution; however, all of the other contacts we make in this brief journey add to the buoyancy of upholding our mutual spirits with simple acts of humanity. Too often, we overlook the importance of people who bestow the word, the gesture, or the regard we so desire. And, just as often, we fail to initiate such genial contact ourselves.

People do not have to be comrades or even recognized acquaintances to give approval to the life of others. Strangers we meet often represent unopened valuable gifts until we venture to open their contents and examine their treasures through mutual acceptance. American entertainer and folk philosopher Will Rogers once said, " A stranger is just a friend I haven't met yet." Although trust is actually one of the first things that a baby learns, practicing the reliance can set the stage for a lifetime of security or a lack of self-confidence and willing attachment.

We live in an increasingly xenophobic society. With fears of abduction, distrust of mutual commitments, threats of selfish criminal intentions, and a general lack of confidence in people's caring and moral behavior, overly distrustful people often develop a habit of analyzing every action or sentence of a stranger for signs of trickery. This habit leads to paranoia or, at the very least, to stubborn alienation. Guarded comments in conversation seem to be the norm.

Some let fear of rejection stop them from becoming confident, and because they can't reveal their true selves, they assume that others are hiding their real selves as well. Many people actually believe someone's initial politeness and initiated talk are not signs of sincerity or friendship, but ploys used for masking bad intentions. Thus, sadly, these people justify friendly behavior as a firm reason for distrust.

Most of us have moved or changed jobs or schools during out lives and tested the waters of befriending complete strangers. In doing so, we were forced to find value in making new friends. How soon we discovered the value of these new acquaintances. To live a stagnant life in which fear of contact becomes the norm serves to stunt one's personal growth, a process of advancement that must continue throughout life.

The people we know as casual friends are commonly considered "lukewarm" contacts. Our relationships with these individuals, although cordial, is somewhat tentative. The phrase "on tenterhooks" fits the description of this relationship. At one time, wet woolen cloth was stretched on wooden frames known as tenters with hooks on the perimeter (selvage) to insure the cloth would retain its shape and size as it dried. The term later became synonymous with a state of uneasiness or anxiety, stretched like the cloth on a tenter. When we feel too stretched by these friends, we resist the taut nature of our relationships. In fact, the fabrics of our friendships often tear, never to be mended.

The most difficult task facing casual friends is to value the perceived goodness of allies while forgiving their inevitable human faults. Forgiveness is seldom easy, especially when a very trusted friend deals hurt for no apparent reason. As we excuse their insensitive actions, we feel as if we are giving them something they don't deserve. But, in reality, overlooking their miscues is more about setting ourselves free from bondage and putting the ball back in our friend's "own court" than we admit. Anger and resentment accomplish nothing.

True, if acquaintances are going to exist only as our toxic friends --  users, betrayers, control freaks -- we must soon understand their true intentions and break bonds. Yet, how many of us let our own egos and self-interests destroy any attempts for reconciliation? Does the friend even know the deep hurt we feel? Does the friend expect that "sweeping the dirt under the rug" will decrease suffering and suffice for apology? Could it be that both we and our friends share some mutual blame for the disagreement?

Grooming congenial manners, maintaining all levels of friendships, and being receptive to seeking good in everyone is a tall order for anyone. Breaking personable responsibilities into manageable bits may help accomplish these tasks. Acknowledging a "thank you," returning a genuine smile, making friendly inquiry, placing a hand on a shoulder, and making sincere eye contact require little energy and afford minimum risk, but the positive results may change attitudes and even lives.


Some Simple Suggestions For Building Friendships

1. Return honesty for honesty to foster mutual respect.
2. Never confuse sincere apology for weakness.
3. Show appreciation of and initiation of friendly gestures.
4. Don't expect your best friends to be faultless or conform to your standards.
5. Avoid cynical attitudes that would eventually belittle you.
6. Look for a spark of goodness in people you tend to prejudge.
7. Reach out more often than you draw back.
8. Expect no return on investments of friendship.

Friendships

Friendship has been something I have taken for granted. Circles of friends have been a part of my life since very early days when I entered organizations such as the Cub Scouts or structured environments like school. Making many friends proved neither complicated nor difficult as I progressed through the years. As an extrovert, I enjoyed the opportunities of serving leadership positions in curricular and extracurricular activities. I was president of my high school class for four years and voted "best all-around" senior superlative. The number of my close acquaintances buoyed my confidence and, of course, fed my ego. I treasured my relationships with my old friends, and I still do. My circle of friends has grown smaller due to various reasons including distance, obligations, maturation, and death. Luckily, new friends stood in place of old friends who were pursuing their own careers, making their own families, and finding their own destinies. Friendships have remained an important part of my life as I travel my own road of turns and twists. Throughout my years I have never really stopped to consider how to make new friends. Though this process may seem frightening to others, the engagements seemed natural to me. Friends inherently grew out of living my life as I stepped into new situations and new surroundings. True, I have tried to be outgoing and accepting of others, but most people share these general qualities. I just never worried about popularity. Recently, I have used time and distance to add perspective to my view of friendship. Reality has marked a definite degeneration of friendship in my life. I find myself turned inward as I age. Certainly, some self-imposed isolation and stubborn disagreement have contributed to loss of friendships. And, I suppose, everyone, to a certain extent, deals with these misfortunes. Just, for some people used to the adornment, the drop seems very profound. As I mature, I fine fewer opportunities for forming and reciprocating friendships. Other than my own personal attributes contributing to the decline of my loss of friends, I have found a general trend in society for fewer close relationships. According to a 2006 study documented in the journal the American Sociological Review, Americans are thought to be suffering a loss in the quality and quantity of close friendships since at least 1985. The study states 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and the average total number of confidants per citizen has dropped from four to two. Although the same study found there is more dependence on family (57%-80%) and spouse (5%-9%), research has found a link between fewer friendships (especially in quality) and psychological and physiological regression. One opinion is that fear of being, or being seen as, homosexual has killed off western man's ability to form close friendships with other men. (Doi Takeo, psychologist; Henning Bech, sociologist; and others) This fear seems to be an underlying cause of fewer man to man friendships. Don O'Meara, Ph.D., identifies the following challenges to male-female friendship: defining it, dealing with sexual attraction, seeing each other as equals, facing people's responses to the relationship and meeting in the first place. Society views that almost every time you see a male-female friendship, it winds up turning into romance. O'Meara disagrees that male-female friendships are always romantic. Likewise, Linda Sapadin, psychologist states, "The belief that men and women can't be friends comes from another era in which women were at home and men were in the workplace, and the only way they could get together was for romance." Some believe that in the absence of modern social and commercial pressures, male-female friendship would be complementary rather than divisive. According to George Elliot "Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words." I think that giving a friend the benefit of a doubt has become much harder for most people. Unconditional, mutual respect often seems absent in friendships today. Possibly, like young children, we choose some wrong peers or lack socialization and this causes distrust. In children, we know this can lead to severe psychological traumas and disorders, finally leading to social maladjustment. Perhaps, as we age, we should realize that the same maladjustment can result at any stage in life. I am certain that friendships are as important to the older person as the youngster. We tend to become callous and indifferent as we limit our socialization. Experience and society often whisper words of distrust in our aging ears: we listen and react accordingly. The meaning of friendship lies within our hearts because true friendship can only be felt, and not expressed in fifty words or less. Something so pure and essential is not always visible to the eye, but is felt by the heart.

What Is the Definition of Love?

Sonnet XLIII, from the Portuguese. Elizabeth Barrett Browning - 1806-1861 How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of everyday's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints, -I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death. This poem is one of the most quoted popular writings on the theme of love. "Counting the ways" of love can be very difficult since the subject covers a vast ground of related emotion. In a similar fashion, philosopher Richard Garlikov would ask lovers if they can distinguish differences between love and other feelings that may be confused with it. Garlikov wonders, "If you are looking for love, would you recognize it if you found it?" Here are some questions to consider:

Can you tell the difference between love and infatuation? Between love and attraction? Between love and sexual desire? Between love and friendship? Between sex and intimacy? Between a good relationship and one that is only pleasurable?

Infatuation may be defined as "the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love." Infatuation is usually intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone. In fact, infatuation is not usually mutual. When infatuated, people are thrilled, but not happy, wanting to trust, yet suspicious. Most infatuation relationships have a high degree of sexual charge around them. In the human body dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethalimine, and oxytocin together sometimes override the brain activity that governs logic. When the chemical flood dries up, the relationship either moves into a loving romantic one or there is disillusionment, and the relationship ends.

Attraction is "a force acting between two people that tends to draw them together and resist their separation." The attraction may lead to friendships and romantic relationships. To determine attraction, people must take personality and situation into account. Active assortment refers to direct effects on choosing someone similar as one's self in mating preferences. The data shows that there is a greater effect on political and religious attitudes than on personality traits.

Sexual desire refers to "libido as the free creative—or psychic—energy an individual has to put toward personal development or individuation." Natalie Angier describes sexual desire in this manner. " It is a near-universal experience, the invisible clause on one’s birth certificate stipulating that one will, upon reaching maturity, feel the urge to engage in activities often associated with the issuance of more birth certificates." With recent studies reporting that approximately 36% of women have low libidos, some researcher believe that low sexual desire is hard-wired into women through evolution.

Friendship connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. It is a cooperative or supportive behavior. In a comparison of personal relationships, friendship, often involving trust that someone will not harm a friend, is considered to be closer than mere association. The Christian Gospels state that Jesus Christ declared, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13). According to a 2006 study documented in the journal the American Sociological Review, Americans are thought to be suffering a loss in the quality and quantity of close friendships since at least 1985. 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and the average total number of confidants per citizen has dropped from four to two.

Intimacy refers to the feeling of being in a closely personal association and belonging together. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, and reciprocity. In anthropological research, intimacy is considered the product of a successful seduction, a process of rapport building that enables parties to confidently disclose previously hidden thoughts and feelings. Intimate conversations become the basis for 'confidences' (secret knowledge) that bind people together. ( Moore, M., 1985, "Nonverbal Courtship Patterns in Women: Contact and Consequences") There are two distinguished forms of intimacy: emotional and physical.

Pleasure is difficult to define because the experience differs from individual to individual. It is "a commonly conceptualized as a positive experience, happiness, entertainment, enjoyment, ecstasy, and euphoria." Whether derived from eating, exercise, service, music, recognition, or any other stimulus, it is often seen as a sensation that creates the illusion of sexual experience. Epicurus and his followers defined the highest pleasure as the absence of suffering, and pleasure itself as "freedom from pain in the body and freedom from turmoil in the soul." Utilitarianism and Hedonism are philosophies that attempt to increase to the maximum the amount of pleasure and minimize the amount of suffering. The actual pleasure center of the brain is the set of brain structures theorized to produce great pleasure when stimulated electrically.

Sorting out real love from all of these similar states and feelings is not an easy task. And, certainly, real love involves some combination of the concepts defined above. Yet, many people seek and find one of these traits and believe they possess all they need to survive through the trials of a loving relationship. The ability to identify infatuation, friendship, and so forth may better define the state of existence of which they have become a part. Perhaps these paragraphs will uncover some gems in the intriguing territory of love.

“Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end.” -- Unknown