The Scuds

I know we love the afflicted in our society, at least those the media reminds us daily to love. Anyone with celebrity who sadly falls victim to tragedy or misfortune is caught in the lens and personalized, sympathized, and eulogized. As we all listen to the commentator and follow his instructions about how we should react to the event, we ponder how the "news" will change our own lives. You know, I was thinking... how much sympathy and time of day we give to the "scuds." As we go about our daily lives beyond the reach of the tube, we encounter the scud. In fact, we encounter scores of Scuds everywhere we go. The Scuds are knee-deep at Walmart, at Krogers, at the gas station, at Bob Evans, at school. There they are, spending our tax money on things they can't afford. Hell, we can't even escape the Scuds that live down the street when we return to our humble homes. How did the Scuds manage to move in there anyway? Just who are these Skuds? They're the poor, dirty, skanky, in-breeding, cigarette-smoking, lottery-ticket-buying, screaming-kids-hanging-all-over-them, junky-car-driving segment of our Appalachian society. We would prefer to ignore them, but it's just impossible to keep their ignorant asses out of our way. And they love to get close to us when we're doing our important daily routines. I think the Scuds would keep to their crack-smoking selves in shame. Why do they want to be in the places that we would prefer to be filled with normal, good-smelling, law-abiding people like us? There should be a law, you know: someone should make Scud-free zones where we could shop and eat and drive in peace. Well, at least we don't live in California or Florida where other new Scuds would be arriving from Mexico and Asia by the hundreds on a daily basis. Thank God for small blessings. We do have a little control over where our Scuds tend to settle. I bet you don't even hear any English in some of those states. Who in the hell do they think they are, anyway, coming into our country? And, what really is bad is how freaking irresponsible these welfare Scuds are. They don't have any reason to work and they become single parents who hand down defective traits to their kids. Nothing is worse than a third generation Scud whose lazy ass doesn't care about nothing but popping pills and bottles of beer. There's your crime. Then, what does the government do? They create programs that Scuds can enter to get our money. It's a joke-- the government could be using these dollars to help build wages for the common working people employed in industries that need bailed out. Scuds don't pay taxes anyway. Why should they get any advantage? Or, officials should put their dollars into programs that focus on important issues like abortion and protecting our borders from hordes of immigrants. Scuds don't care about the issues that good people want addressed. What is going to happen to retirement? It's all because of the Scuds that Social Security is in such bad shape. So, let's keep ignoring these poor people who occupy spaces so close to us. They don't deserve any help from us. Let them starve and work at McDonald's flipping hamburgers until they just fade away or get a proper education. In the meantime, we must ban together to develop some effective anti-scud methods of our own. This is the only way to save this great nation of ours. Now, excuse me, I have to get back to my reality television shows. Aw, did you hear about what happened to poor Donald Trump the other day? Some Facts about Welfare to Work Stereotypes:

Myth: Poverty Results From a Lack of Responsibility Fact: Poverty Results From Low Wages Myth: A Huge Chunk of My Tax Dollars Supports Welfare Recipients Fact: Welfare Costs 1 Percent of the Federal Budget Myth: People on Welfare Become Permanently Dependent on the Support Fact: Movement off Welfare Rolls Is Frequent Myth: Most Welfare Recipients Are African American Women Fact: Most Welfare Recipients Are Children-Most Women on Welfare Are White Myth: Welfare Encourages Out-of- Wedlock Births and Large Families Fact: The Average Welfare Family Is No Bigger Than the Average Nonwelfare Family Myth: Welfare Families Use Their Benefits to Fund Extravagance Fact: Welfare Families Live Far Below the Poverty Line --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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