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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Get Your News Here!

Today is December 9, 2009. I thought you might enjoy a quick review of some of the actual stories found on the Fox, CNN, Google, and ABC news web sites. Of course, I didn't take time to read any of the articles promoted by the headlines, but I really wasn't interested in using my time to read them anyway. I deliberately chose articles that are questionable news or sensational. All of these headlines are real. I thought it might be enjoyable to speculate on each story with my own reaction.

1. Uganda Debates Death Penalty for Gays, Jail for Family

What a disgusting, asinine idea! But let's run with this. First of all, how is the government going to discover and prove who is gay? Then, why jail the entire family for something most claim is a biological trait? Do the Ugandans consider sexual preference a family-influenced matter? What idiotic, hate-filled politicians could even have enough sense to debate even if this topic is considered? I say impose death penalties on the idiots that proposed this garbage.

2. Cops: Florida Woman Attacked Boyfriend With Raw Meat

The obvious question is not why the woman attacked her boyfriend, but why she used "raw meat" in the attack?
Was she hoping that the meat contained a strain of deadly E-coli bacteria that would threaten his life or was she merely giving him a fleshy thrashing with softer intentions? And, what kind of meat cut is best utilized as a defense mechanism? I can't even believe she would waste the meat with the prices what they are today.

3. Explosive Chewing Gum Blows Off Student's Jaw

A horrible, gnawing story. This sounds like one of the CIA plots to kill Fidel Castro in the 1960's. I will be afraid to bite any food product for months after reading this headline. Also, why does this headline describe the unfortunate boy as a "student"? Could this be the story of a science project gone terribly awry? I'm getting this awful image of Bazooka bubblegum.

4. Tiger's Alleged Mistresses Include Porn Stars, Bikini Models, Pancake Waitresses and Nightclub Hostesses

Evidently, Mr. Eldrick Woods was not nicknamed "Tiger" for just his golf prowess. "Pancake waitress"? This gives IHOP a brand new connotation, for sure. Show me a woman who wouldn't idolize, patronize, and fantasize Tiger's good looks and money, and I'll show you a nun repressing a few nasty thoughts. A mixture of Caucasian, black, American Indian and Asian, Woods' may be suffering from a mini-identity crisis requiring variety of treatment.

5. Photographer Says Lohan Had No Qualms With Depicting Threesome in Racy Muse Magazine Shoot 

What is the limit on "-somes"? Not that I would know anything like that, but quick research says that it belongs to someone named "Houston" with 620 men in one day. So, for a free spirit like Lindsay, maybe three is a conservative appearance. Evidently, Lindsay has come a long way since 1998 when the 11-year-old starred in the remake of Disney's The Parent Trap. She is open with her criticism of Sarah Palin, describing Palin as homophobic, anti-abortion, and anti-environmentalist. Evidently, Lindsay does not live in a glass house. Rumor has it that Ms. Lohan is working on a rather risque version of the Disney 1937 classic, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

6. 9 Reasons Strip Clubs Can Spice Up Your Sex Life

This headline counters most conventional thinking about the real purpose of strip clubs. I think women usually avoid these clubs and become upset when their husbands frequent the establishments. After all, with the monetary and physical costs of lap dances, the clubs can reek havoc on a marriage. Why 9 reasons? It seems like an odd number for the article - round it off with ten for good measure. And, everyone knows dancing girls don't date customers...(wink, wink).

7. A Disgusting, Amateurish Marketing Catastrophe for Four Distinct Brands, Shows Frosty Talking About His “Porn Collection” While Surrounded by Crowds of Smiling Minors

Sure to become an instant holiday classic, this "mashup" video ad on CBS's web Site called "Frosty the Inappropriate Snowman," takes authentic dialogue from CBS' "How I Met Your Mother" and "Two and a Half Men" and dubs it on top of the cartoon classic. What's the thinking here? A beloved child's symbol, Frosty, used to promote porn and prostitution? Producers of the Frosty production should have given the "cold shoulder" to this one before it snowballed.

8. 19 Years Old and $11,000 in Debt

Just imagine the possibilities -- credit card madness, cell phone frenzy, clothes horse maverick, spur-of-the-moment vacation. I'm sure the spending will quality this young impulse buyer for many more credit cards and a new raised limit. Cards are granted to a sixteen-year-old with qualified co-signer. Sign on the line and pay the monthly premium. The American way, isn't it? This kid is going to be flipping a lot of burgers at Mickey D's to meet payments. Bon apetite, McLoser.

9. Pee-Wee Herman's Comeback

Paul Reubens, tv host Pee-Wee Herman, who plays a rauchy baby speed freak, was arrested in 1991 for indecent exposure at a screening of a porno movie. Now, for some reason and with some project, Pee-Wee is making a comeback. Why? Women and children (and men) run for the hills! Someone else must think this character is funny because my brief contact with "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" proved irritating and largely unimaginative. Maybe Pee-Wee could team up with the Michael McDonald character Stuart Larkin, who also seems to "get my goat."

10. Would You Pick Your Child's Gender?

This article sounds like some throwback to a Nazi experiment. Advances in genetics and the problems they create are not news.This headline requires a simple "yes" or "no" answer. Mine is "no, thank you." And, no, I don't want to know how this is possible. I prefer the old-fashioned way of procreation. If you want to pick gender, go with Ken or Barbie.

11. You Lover's Spouse Can Sue You

First of all, this article is presuming (1) I have a lover, and (2) My lover has a spouse. Since I have neither, my estate of $200.00 is safe. Just as true as the headline, some spouses would probably pay your settlement to get out of the marriage. And, what can the spouse sue you for -- being a willing accomplice to mutual infidelity? Or possibly failure to perform.

12. Downer Pigs In the Food Supply

Now, this story makes sense to me. If I were a pig, and occasionally my wife tells me I am, I would not enjoy a life of living in muddy squalor and eating disgusting slop. In fact, a pig's entire life revolves around getting fatter and fatter until that fateful day of butchering arrives. No wonder the pigs take depressants.They must be extremely nervous knowing that at their peak, they are going to become somebody's bacon and sausage.

13. (In a related Tiger Woods story) Tiger Woods Didn't Wear Condoms With Two Flings

Unbelievable! Who would know this besides Tiger, and he's not talking. And, who is qualified to count the "flings."
This is a major news story, no kidding? Did the report identify the brands too? I've heard of trash diving, but this is absolutely crazy! Sorry, I had to print it because I couldn't believe the story would be published on such major news sites.

14. Current Decade Warmest, 2009 Fifth Hottest, Since 1850

Global warming, global cooling, the Greenhouse Effect -- what are humans going to do to affect these outcomes anyway? I prefer the warmth. I prefer not to worry. Sorry, Al Gore, but I not going to buy the book.

15. "As the World Turns" Canceled

What a surprise. I thought this show had gone off the air decades ago. Soaps -- depressing, complicated imitations of life. I have enough of the real thing. I don't want to be so-called "entertained" by overly dramatic versions of the same type of drama in my real life. I'd like to see all of them replaced by something -- maybe the old game shows. Gee -- 54 years -- this show is almost as old as I am. I didn't know they had tv then. Retire it and put the reruns on "Soap Channel."

16. Miley Cyrus Parties in Shorts

What? This is news? Hannah Montana wears shorts. Good for her. I wear shorts; don't you? But, I must admit I wouldn't be nearly as cute in my cut-offs. Miley, I think your good image is intact. You go, girl.

17. Sex Abuse Victims' Groups Outraged By Vatican Decision to Clear Accused Priest

Who should be most sympathetic to victims of sexual abuse? The number of alleged abuses increased in the 1960s, peaked in the 1970s, declined in the 1980s and by the 1990s had returned to the levels of the 1950s. (Reese, Thomas J. (2004-03-22). "Facts, Myths and Questions." America.)

Of the 11,000 allegations reported by bishops in the John Jay study, 3300 were not investigated because the allegations were made after the accused priest had died. 6700 allegations were substantiated, leaving 1000 which could not be substantiated.

According to the John Jay report, one-third of the accusations were made in the years 2002-3. Another third of the allegations were reported between 1993 and 2001.

My response: Fix the problem by treating sexually abusing priests like any other common citizens accused of committing such heinous crimes. The victim's groups should and must be outraged.

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