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Monday, January 11, 2010

My Confession

The incredible amount of spite within those most close never subsides. It lives to bubble and boil over in hateful expression that reopens old wounds once healed and sealed over in unsightly scars. I know some siblings choose to live an entire lifetime in blame and vicious retribution to re-open those old scars at any given chance. It is a tentative existence. I am alone in any feelings of building a more positive life for myself. As I age, I hate this most of all. The loneliness of existing in a state of blame is gnawing, deep hurt.

My value as a person has become completely obliterated by comments of degradation. No one at home is willing to extend a future to someone who is expected to crumble into fragments forged unsteadily in the past. Once hurt, they shun the possible changes, having seen the nature of the beast. Now, escape exits have been locked; I spend the long wait sucking in the remaining oxygen until the final inhalation of the filthy air. To last the years is to suffer like a prisoner behind bars, not behind bars of iron and steel, but behind bars of revengeful feelings.

As things continue to fall apart, everything that I attempt to stack up continues to crumble. The earth that quakes around me makes me realize the vanity of anything positive I can put together. Even two blocks of stacked kindness shake and eventually tumble into ruin. The very foundation of their anchor is infirm and unreliable. Hope is foreign to new beginnings as any further industry I begin becomes fruitless labor. No master plan has been set to insure eventual goodness as an outcome in construction. How much better it seems for me to save energy and observe the hellish conflagration as I become sole witness to the end.

Love, laughter, joy -- I took them from the equation of my life and from those lives around me. No one is responsible for the absence of these human reactions except me. My depression, my selfishness, my mistreatment of circumstances are my sole doing. Those so grievously affected by my faults deserve better. I walked close to the edge a few times and could have ended the continuation of dark days with a little willpower. Instead, I chose to ride the ebbing tide of fatherhood and husbandry until it finally washed me cleanly away from the home shore. All the while, my feeble efforts to swim strongly have played out in vain. "Making a go of it" in actuality was just treading water, existing another day.Too feeble of mind to reach new understandings, I eventually gave up.

So, as I am frequently reminded, I am no father. I masquerade as a real person with human emotion, love, and understanding. My outer shell holds no value within. The heart and the soul that I have invented have no real substance. I deserve no consideration of viewing my unjust actions as any one possible defect. I operated to foul the family and deceive the system. I have no reasons for being unfair because I have no feelings. Correctly call me "the blame" and take heart in your escape from any overbearing behavior I display. Your freedom is testimony to your strong will.

I actually want you to consider me the primary source you seek for your extended pain. Inflicted by me in your childhood, the suffering you feel was my fault. My release from this existence will be your eventual introduction to the greatest happiness. With great regret, I leave debts I am unable to pay. Long ago, my only goal was to leave without encumbrances. I failed in that also. I didn't really finish anything in my life -- my career, my marriage, my fatherhood, my goals.The feelings of loneliness and regret I feel are real, but they, also, belong only to me and shouldn't burden anyone else.

Don't misunderstand me. I have always liked the feeling of control in my life. Your revulsion for me is very warranted. I have a streak of bad intentions you can never understand. Only people like me, who perceive the darker side of nature, do understand the vent of such wrath: I mean to be confrontational and difficult. I chose not to understand you. I chose to be the loner, and I succeeded in that one desire. I was harsh and that led to your righteous disrespect.

So there you have it from the defective personality I still possess. I apologize for a lifetime of being your "terrible father." As no change is foreseeable, I also excuse myself from wrecking continued havoc in your future. I have accumulated no legacy to give you, only broken remains -- your bad memories, my worthless properties, and my improper directions. My attempts to achieve forgiveness would produce temporary results at best. I want no pity and I seek no explanations. I accept the consequences of my actions.

Finding a niche for any slight contributions would have been appreciated, but evidence has shown that too is beyond any hope. I exist to occupy a fairly small space. I require very little to sustain myself, and I have learned to treat time as a benefactor. I never wore the white hat of the "good guy" with golden deeds, worthy accomplishments, and shining goals. Instead, I chose to become your rough-edged, distant, defective father. All your bad habits, ill behaviors, and discourteous manners have sprung from my influence. You realize this; I realize this. What more can I say?
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