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Thursday, June 17, 2010

Women!


Undoubtedly, many mysteries about womankind exist in the minds of men. Despite the obvious physical differences, women and men operate under completely different modes of operation. Their minds, though structurally alike, develop unique traits peculiar to the gender. Today is as good a day as any to explore the questions that haunt men about the peculiarities that relate to the sex some say is the gentle female.


1. Why should the toilet seat remain down when it takes just as much effort to put it up in the race for urinary relief?
   
I mean, we live in the age of electricity, and I'm sure most women flip on a light and check the seat before sitting     down to be sure that no large, sewer-dwelling snake or rat has occupied the bowl. Besides, with the seat always in the "up" position, the chances of drippage are reduced.

2. Why do women have to take a perfectly good, simple plan to do something and discuss it with other women about a million times to complicate it unmercifully until it becomes so complex nobody could possibly remember how to execute it? 

We all know the shortest distance between two objects is a straight line, yet women revel in the confusion of discussing and re-discussing a straight plan of action. Wouldn't it be better to drive from Portsmouth to Cleveland through Columbus than through Nashville? I guarantee you a woman can give you 100 reasons it would be better to motor through Nashville. Put two together on the trip plans and you might as well just stay at home.

3. Why do women always, in the middle of a chore or project a man is working to complete, suggest at least ten more additional projects that need to be done by the man ASAP?

Men as creatures of continual frustration and simple minds cannot concentrate on the work at hand when women are already talking about improvements that won't be possible for at least a year. Don't women know the majority of accidents on work sites happen when the mind wanders?  

4. Why do women crave romance with mythical creatures like vampires but they often throw on the brakes when a man suggests her behavior should be a little more risky and passionate than her zombie-like behavior of the walking dead?

I don't understand the "pretty boy" black death attraction for a man or the numb "just do what you want" surrender of a woman in these matters. Every now and then, a man would probably like to "be taken" in surprise.

5. Why do women think that the heavy duty "bi-atch," inked, "throw my crotch in your face" image is sexier than the simple, classic, natural "reveal with intrigue" image? 

Men love to fantasize trysts with wild, wild women, but, traditionally, fall sincerely in love with the girl who steals his heart, and who not merely scores his Johnson. Tats? When a woman turns 50, the inked angel is going to sag and expand to a fearful image of Mothman. True beauty has mystique.

6. Men realize that there is no substitute for a mother but men do not understand why women have to refer sarcastically to them as incapable "mothers' boys." 

Do women typically receive the same sarcasm in a remark aimed at them such as "daddy's girl"? Of course not. In fact, that phrase is usually used as an affectionate title. In matters of affection, men are forced to take a backseat.

7. Why don't women understand that men are preconditioned and permanently wired to appreciate sports, food, beer, music, and beautiful women? To break men of any of those addictions sets off a shock that permanently disables important parts of our brains.

Men understand these simple pleasures and learn that women have great affinity for other things -- money and security. Why do you think most men wouldn't know real gold or real diamonds or expensive scents or the day of a first date? Women like details; men prefer couches. Clothes? A beautiful girl looks good in a feedsack.

8. Why do women like to waste hour upon hour to shop for things even if they don't need these things or buy these things?

Women would rather shop than eat; men would rather eat and eat. Leave us at the food courts, but just for a while. Or else, we will miss the game. A man knows what item he wants when he shops, finds it, usually in the first store, and drives back home.

9. Why do women have such complicated motives when they drink? Men never know if they are going to flip, flop, or fly. Notice the rituals of a drinking woman and just try to guess the motives.

On the other hand, men drink to find a pillow, to tell someone their problems, or to find relief for their manhood. A sexy woman can sit at the bar alone, half-naked and dripping with estrogen and still want to be left alone. 

10. Why does a woman always have to be coaxed to say the thing she has on her mind when all the chips are down?

Although many women use direct and profane bunkhouse language these days, they like to conceal certainties and play guessing games with men. I think this practice began about the time women started wearing makeup and it has progressed into the silicone era. Any time a man notices a woman won't make up her mind, he must assume the next line will be "I really like you but...."

11. Why do women think all men like artificial breasts so big that the women need wheelbarrows to haul them around? 

Some men love legs, some love butts, some love faces, some love hair, etc. One guy I knew even loved ankles. When nice curves become insurmountable peaks, I think the plastic freak show has begun. 

12. And last, why do women say they don't like "wussies" but always seem to get along great with the "wussiest" men?  

This type of thinking confuses the men so much that they wonder if they should say they doesn't care for masculine-looking females but should include them in their circle of drinking buddies. Can men really be expected to go back to pre-school mentality when model T&A abound?

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