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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

So You Want a "50 Shades of Grey" Girly Man, Baby?

OK, buddy, you're a young man looking for the perfect female, a woman with personality, intelligence, beauty, and charm. What are your chances of landing the babe of your dreams? And, more importantly, how do you maximize your ability to attract her?

I've always contended that wealth and stability are invaluable assets for most men seeking a perfect companion. Not everyone agrees with me. Of course, everybody has heard the standard beauty contestant's rote interview line of "personality and a sense of humor are foremost to me in an attractive male." And, the recent advertising philosophy adopted by more randy-thinking men stresses the importance of developing "bigger portions" of certain anatomical features. These infomercials go to great lengths (uh, no pun intended) to defend the claim that "size does matter."

But now, guys, guess what some fairly recent research has confirmed about males who successfully attract the opposite sex? It will be shocking news to many, and, I'm sure, good news for some. Read on...

Scientists believe they have created the perfect male face, a man so handsome that any woman would automatically pick him out of a crowd:

"He has large expressive eyes
set in a smooth-skinned symmetrical face,
a straight nose and rounded hair and jaw line.

"Although his makers admit he looks slightly girly,
 they have found modern women
want caring feminine traits rather than
more macho markings."

(Lois Rogers, "Male Beauty: Feminine Face is Key To a Woman's Heart,"
The Sunday Times,, December 8 2002.)

Researchers at the St Andrews University psychology department did the study. The research involved 34 female "raters" with an average age of 20  who were asked to give marks out of seven for masculinity and attractiveness to various composite images of the men.

The clear winner was a composite of all 12,
feminised to soften the jaw line and perfect the complexion.
The researchers say smooth skin in men conveys
an absence of inherited disease or damage.

It comes as no surprise that symmetry in male and female features is an important attribute in sexual attraction, but the rise of feminine appeal in a male face is a modern trait.

"Women find femininity appealing in a male face
 because they said they associate it
with co-operation, honesty and parental ability,"
said Tony Little, the principal research psychologist.

"Strongly masculine features are considered threatening
 and less attractive, but they still want some combination
 involving masculine features because
they want dominance, too."

The model man is actually a computer-generated photo, but if you are looking for the embodiment of the ideal man, Little says he would resemble Jude Law or Brad Pitt. He judges Leonardo DiCaprio as "too girlish" and Arnold Schwarzenegger as "too aggressive and too promiscuous."

Women want a womanish man who dominates?

Is it any wonder we men don't truly understand any thought that resides in a female brain? I mean, according to the research, the ideal man is a contradictory combination of polar opposites -- a girlish Beauty and a subdued Beast. What ordinary man could successfully convince his dream girl that he fills the bill? Hunkish hunks are in trouble as well as fine gentlemen. Evidently, ordinary Joe is way out in left field without a hat or a glove.

And what about this new erotic novel that is causing all the stir among women? 50 Shades of Grey has been acquired by Vintage Books for a seven-figure sum. Written by a little-known London author named E.L. James, it relies heavily on “BDSM” -- bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism.

According to the website, every woman in Armonk, N.Y., is reading the book, and some are so obsessed that they are forgetting to pick up their kids at school. More than that, "when you put the book down, you will actually want to have sex with your husband. Like, a lot," writes Linda Meadows, the “Gurumommy,” a Los Angeles mom of three.

It seems that the mommy bloggers and the feminist bloggers agree: Both groups are hailing the book for encouraging women to explore their sexuality. Yet, Rachel Kramer Bussel, a former sex columnist and the editor of the Best Bondage Erotica 2012, explained that enjoying the fantasy of a dominant sexual relationship does not mean that a woman wants to be dominated by men in all aspects of her life. (Jo Piazza, "Erotic Novel 50 Shades of Grey Unites Girls, Unnerves Some Guys," Fox News, March 14 2012)

Come on now, ladies. I thought women's liberation established the need of females to be just as assertive as males. I'm so damned confused now I don't know whether you want me to "powder your fanny" or "slap your ass." Believe me, neither Mom nor Dad ever prepared me for the reality of understanding the 21st century woman. I've gotten through some novel situations by relying on a combination of luck and intuition, but I think my old mind has become too totally scrambled by never ending contradictions to make any sense of feminine desire.

So, in the end, fellow males, I am more confused about what a woman wants than ever before. I will try to summarize some of the information I found on the subject just to provide you guys with an ideal you can attempt to model.

If you were lucky enough to be born with those feminine features of smooth skin, a symmetrical face, etc., you should ride them for all they're worth. I would assume that would mean spending much more time in personal grooming and in perfecting all aspects of cosmetology.

Girly-looking guys, find a feature, some feature, any feature of your looks to rough up. You know, something healthy that looks tough... an occasional stubble beard or a more prominent brow... hell, I don't know. Fake it, OK? But, definitely add a semblance of "bad" to your natural "good" looks.

If, on the other hand, you look more like Alfred E. Newman or Arnold the Governator, buy that 50 Shades book and find out how to maximize your ability to help women fantasize and believe you are truly "beautiful" in as many ways as possible. Just fake it, OK?  I'm too old to research any of the BDSM behavior, so if you go that route, you are on your own. I'm pretty sure women want you to "dominate" without being "dominant." I have no idea what that means, but I guess you should just "switch it up" every now and then. And, oh yeah, add an extra shower to your weekly routine.

In any case, my advice still holds. If you want the girl, make a ton of money, build a fine home, and let it be known that your pretty or ugly face is looking for someone to hold your wallet. When you think you've found your "babe of babes," be sure to have her sign a prenuptial agreement because you must remember "women always have the prerogative to change their minds."

Then, you can wish your pretty companion well as she heads to the mall, and you can head back to the big screen to watch the ballgame in peace. Don't worry, she will be back when the stores close or when the money runs out. That's a safe bet.

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