The beautiful Ms. Hepburn
I cannot remember much about the reality of dating during my single days. In truth, I'm beginning to lose more faculties of memory each day. But, if I recall correctly, most of us guys seemed to
resemble that frozen-in-ice mummy Otzi when we met an attractive girl. She immediately stunned us with her major, mysterious Babe Charm. We instantly locked our knees to keep from showing our shaky legs, fell into a dead silence since no words could pass through our trembling lips, and became unable to look directly into her face for fear of observing some gesture of her outright disapproval.
Sure, some guys claimed to be chick magnets then, but they seemed to love to talk so much about their recent conquests that I always wondered if they didn't have big imaginations and even bigger egos. OK, I did know a few friends who could do the "pickup thing" with regularity; however, I just figured either they were looking for an easy date and the obvious scoring connection or they were born with some natural lady-killer talents or with some God-given attractive physical attributes.
In my personal experience, I quickly found a hot girl could ice me any time and anywhere she desired. I had no earthly idea how to act around her. After all, I didn't have any sisters to fill me in on female dating secrets. And, when you were as naturally nervous about soul mating as I was, the extra adrenaline and related-chemical rush made my insides boil as my exterior iced up. I was not a smart, slick, smooth, confident operator. Just the opposite, I was, at best, a bumbling fool around a beautiful girl.
Now, I know my prototype does not exist anymore. I'm sure all young men today are very competent social movers, much more mature than I was. Yet, I recently ran into some information I thought some young guy out there in Cyber Land might use. Gentlemen, if you are strictly texting acquaintances or communicating from a distance in any of a number of other means, this information may not help aid the quest for your Dream Baby. The post today is meant for face-to-face contact: You know, an encounter of the third kind.
And, girls, you too may benefit. I'm sure many wonderful single women are naturally shy and nervous about facing a hunk. So, read the entry and let me know what you think.
The Finding and Assumption
As far as attraction goes, here's how humans get the message:
- 55% is through body language
- 38% is the tone and speed of our voice
- Only 7% is through what we say
Eye Contact and Triangulation
There are many, many ways you use body language to reflect your emotional interest. In fact, many experts have written volumes on the subject, so you could make a major study of the topic as it relates to attraction. It's tough enough to remember a few things in stressful situations, so I am writing about one small part of expressing body language -- eye contact and triangulation.
In general, the actions of body language manifest by instinct when you are facing people that you admire. For example, in intimate conversation with someone, you usually look at each other's eyes. This is, of course, is a very natural sign of interest.
Sometimes you shift your vision from one eye to the other, and to the bridge of the nose. This is what is called the triangular formation of vision. As you and your companion become more interested in another, this triangular formation extends downward.
Of course, many who preach social manners say that it’s rude to look at a stranger’s body, but, in the real world, you really can’t help it when you feel attracted. Just remember, when your drives control your rational thoughts, danger exists. A woman's boyfriends and her brutal rejections are real threats, so I would proceed with caution.
Also, may I suggest some moderation and gentlemanly consideration if you venture on dropping your "eye triangle" very low. I've always found that women desire a man's attention to their beautiful breasts, legs, and other charms; however, they also love to snare "unsavory canines" with their wiles and cry "Wolf!"
When you talk to mere acquaintances, you simply look at their eyes, but when you are interested in someone, you tend to notice a lot more than just the eyes and the nose. For example, looking at a woman's mouth can suggest your interest in kissing.
Working With Triangulation
Picture an upside down triangle. Imagine that a girl's eyes are two corners of the triangle and her lips are the other corner. And, let's assume you have been building some rapport with her and have shared a particularly good laugh or a “moment” where you can feel some really good connection with her. You are mirroring one another’s body language, both leaning in and making strong and steady eye contact.
If you happen to establish eye contact without a smile, you may be sending a message that you are looking right through her and that you are lecherous. So, according to some experts, establihsing eye contact and receiving a smile are two noticeable "green lights."
You briefly break the eye contact by looking down at her lips and back into her eyes with the same intensity as before. The experts say at this point, she USUALLY will almost instinctively look down at your lips too.
This may be the go-ahead signal to kiss her…quickly. Sources say once you begin triangular gazing, you should act soon or she will become turned off by your hesitancy. If she does NOT look down at your lips (mirroring your triangular gazing), then she doesn’t feel comfortable enough with you and you build more rapport or try different tactics to build attraction or simply "hit the road, Jack."
By the way, I believe this "kiss step" should occur in relative privacy. Both the actual rejection of physical contact in public and the resulting embarrassment would seem far too much for either person to endure. Also, she might just slap you and turn away disgustedly shouting, "How dare you!" Then, you look like a fool and probably attract a round table of knights willing to defend her honor -- the result? You find yourself bloodied and bruised in some back alley.
One source suggests using some triangulation when walking past an attractive woman in a club just to see how she reacts. According to this Romeo, the majority of girls seem to get really excited by it and start giving off some receptive body language of their own despite your being a stranger. This guy surmises, "Maybe it’s because most guys are looking at their boobs or their asses. Of course I am too but very discreetly. Looking at their lips seems to throw them completely for a loop."
Natalie Wood -- One look would turn guys into jelly.
Draw an upside down triangle in the mirror, with a dry erase pen.Inside the triangle, sketch some eyes (circles will do) and a mouth. This represents a person’s face. Now practice looking at the eyes and the mouth: Move your eyes around the face you’ve drawn. Try looking at the left eye and hold the view for two seconds. Then, do the same with the right eye. Finally, move to the mouth and hold. Do this several times using only your eyes and not your head.
This exercise helps you make eye contact and not stare at a person.
One dating expert speaks of laser lights. He believes when you approach a girl directly, you need to have direct eye contact with her BEFORE you deliver your opening words. When you’ve successfully stopped her, there’s no need for an overwhelming stare; you should just hold soft yet focused eye contact, as if you’re so captivated by her that you’re oblivious to the world around you.
"Stopped her?" "Soft yet focused?" Seems to me some contradictory terms here would require a skilled operator.
But, As Always, There Is a "Down" Side
While men generally do not mind prolonged eye contact with a strange woman (in fact they crave it especially if she's drop dead gorgeous), women on the other hand tend to be rather irritated by prolonged stares of unknown men (even great looking ones).
In English cultures, a certain amount of eye contact is required, but too much makes many people uncomfortable. Most English people make eye contact at the beginning and then let their gaze drift to the side periodically to avoid "staring the other person out" -- a signal of stalking.
In addition, cultural differences concerning eye contact exist.
In South Asian and many other cultures direct eye contact is generally regarded as aggressive and rude. While Muslims often lower their gaze and try not to focus on the opposite sex's features except for the hands and face, anything interpreted as lustful glances to those of the opposite sex, young or adult, are prohibited. Japanese children are taught in school to direct their gaze at the region of their teacher's Adam's apple or tie knot. As adults, Japanese lower their eyes when speaking to a superior as a gesture of respect.
For the Advanced Pupils (Dumb Pun Intended)
(From Toni Mastrono at successfulplayer.com)
You are out for the evening and clubbing with some friends. Let's say you see an attractive girl across the bar or at some distance away in a club, and you establish brief eye contact with her. Maybe smiles are exchanged. You continue to talk with your friends but occassionally peek her way and determine that she is glancing at you too.
When you think she’s not looking, step away to the bathroom. Have your friends keep a look out and let you know if she appeared to be looking for you when you’re gone. (You better be sure to have reliable wing men here.) Of course, you use the restroom and check your looks.
Then, very smoothly, you make your way back to your friends, confirm that the mystery woman did, in fact, look around for you while you were gone, and with that confirmation, you make your way toward her.
As a general rule of thumb, don’t look her way while you’re approaching. Instead, look like you’re focused on everything but her. If you’re a regular at the bar, speak to a few people as you make your way toward her, and make it a point not to make any eye contact until you’re actually approaching her. If you do this the right way, she’ll be anxious up until the very moment you approach her.
Now, it's time for a KISS, but in this case a KISS means "keep it super simple." The first conversation holds a lot of weight, so introduce yourself like you would in a professional setting, no gross googley eyes or the kissing of her hand. Be confident and charming, but really focus on listening to her.
As this is your first conversation, keep it short. You want to talk to her long enough to make her interested in talking again, but short enough as to not get into anything too deep. Sense your friends are still at the other end of the bar waiting on you, simply ask if she’d be willing to exchange contact information so that you can talk in more depth during a later conversation.
If you’re walking away smiling, we’re going to assume that she said yes. If that is the case, congratulations! You’ve successfully made it through your first step-by-step lesson on how to be attractive in the eyes of the female gender.
With number in tow, head back to your friends and resist the urge to give high-fives and pounds because you’ve scored a number. Remember, she’s still watching you. Instead, proceed to engage in regular conversation with your friends, and go back to lending her the occasional smile here and there.
Natalie as a teen -- stunning as always.