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Thursday, April 3, 2014

No Stigma of Out-of-Wedlock Births? Enter the 'Baby Mama'

Here is a term I'm having the greatest difficulty accepting, not for its definition but rather for its connotation. The Oxford English Dictionary defines baby mama as slang for "the mother of a man's child, who is not his wife or (in most cases) his current or exclusive partner." The negative connotations run deep and wide; however, most refer to degradation of the mother.

"Oh her? She ain't nothing to me now, girl, she just my baby mama. So, can I get your number?" 

Most baby mamas have little or no relationship with the father of their child after the baby is born. Instead, they had a sexual encounter with the man, and the baby was either a useful or an unwanted "product" of that relationship.

For whatever reason, the baby mama is not engaged in a committed, long-term relationship with the father. She can be a gold digger seeking financial support, a vengeful woman who had a child out of spite, or an emotionally starved female who decided to have a baby in an attempt to keep her man.

"Tiffany is a greedy baby mama; she is using her child support payments to buy her new boyfriend some speakers for his car."

A baby mama may think she has leverage in the man's life just because she had a child with him, but all she is, is the baby's mama, nothing else. Some of them think it's "cute" to be a man's baby mama and proudly brag about it while trying to attach "wifey" along to the title. Baby mamas are often denied child support payments because of unfulfilled promises by the father. 

"Joe didn't have any relationship with that ho; she was the other woman who ended up being a baby mama."

The baby mama may become jealous of the father's new girlfriend and cause "baby mama drama." The majority of baby mamas act like they can control the man just because they fertilized a seed with him, and they often make it difficult for the man: they threaten to use the child as a pawn or they threaten to sue for child support.

"Man, my baby mama talking crazy. That bitch said if I don't come over and give her some money, I won't be able to see my son."

Are you sick? I know I am sick and tired of the acceptance of baby mamas in a society that places less and less importance on the roles fathers and mothers. So much emphasis is put on sex in a relationship that people have become accustomed to viewing short term sexual flings as love. I, personally, do not care whether people decide to "bump ends" for their own concerns, but I believe the segregation of "simply sex" and "love" are important. One (sex) can meet a physical need while the other (love) is the basis to fulfilling the most important human emotional needs.

Deciding to risk having a child with a human being creates bonds that should only be formed in loving relationships. Any personal gains in the sexual encounter must also entail the obligation of forming a love triad: a lifelong, committed love affair involving father, mother, and the potential child.

When mature individuals decide to have sex, sperm and egg igniting fertilization must be anticipated and even expected. Any obligation to use birth control rests upon both male and female equally with no exceptions. In the case of pregnancy, whether due to negligence or to accident, both parties must become bound to love the child, to care for the child, and to full support the child financially. 

Deadbeat dads and fathers who support their children "as much as possible" make me ill. I have many friends who have had divorces and who have struggled to pay their child support but who accepted it and accomplished it like responsible men. They also took active roles in everything their children did while keeping love at the fore. These men must be commended while "payless" or "pay little" sperm donors must be prosecuted and made to pay support.

Women who use their active vaginas to deposit helpless babies into questionable environments are bitches, plain and simple. Making procreation a game of "Fucking Roulette" is gambling with human life. In contrast, I have seen young teen mothers and fathers take responsibility and reformulate their lives and dreams to accommodate their babies. This is how it should be. As they provide, they prove their union was born of love, not simply of desire.

Baby mama cannot exist without baby papa. I have no respect for a man who does not fully support his children. A father unwilling to do so is a bastard, and today we have many unconscionable dicks who believe they have the right to run from womb to womb making children who are the concern of someone else -- that "concern" being either in part or in whole. These lowlifes even consider their fruitful ejaculations "studly" and evidence of their manhood.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! I don't want to hear any more baby mamas and baby papas mouthing about how "precious" their child is. Let's face it. If the child was really "precious" to these parents, the self-concocted drama of the aftermath of procreation wouldn't exist. If the kids were really "precious" to the parents, the kids would be properly cared for with the mutual, responsible behavior of both partners, not left to rely on one meager source of income, shipped off to be taken care of by grandparents, taken over as the responsibility of public assistance, or simply brutally neglected.

The children are, indeed, precious, but evidently not to these selfish individuals. No amount of crying and wailing and threatening and DNA testing proves love for the child. I believe a significant segment of the "me" generation has failed procreation. It's too late to fix some of the damage done, but it's not too late to build a new commitment to raising children. In fact, I think it must be an imperative.

I have an idea or two. Drop the blinging, the tattooing, the posturings of "bad ass," the juvenile risks of inconsiderately exercising penises and vaginas, and consider responsible, loving behaviors that prove respect for the human body and for the human race. Hey, more protection of childhood innocence is desperately lacking. And teach kids that "getting into each other's pants" is not fun without consequence.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 40 percent of babies born in the United States in 2007 were delivered by unwed mothers, more than a 25 percent jump from five years before. And, studies from the Centers for Disease Control from 2012 reveal that 40.7 percent of all births were delivered by unmarried women.

"I wish people spent as much time planning when to get pregnant, with whom, under what circumstances as they do planning their next vacation," said Sarah Brown, the CEO and founding director of The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. "The stigma (of out-of-wedlock births) has eroded, and these numbers made me feel perhaps it's disappeared altogether."

Until you decide to take full responsibility for your children, please don't refer to yourself as either a "mother" or a "father." I could cite statistics from now until Christmas about the need for effective, loving mothers and dads, but I know the logical support wouldn't impress the target of my rage. So, let me just write this blog to piss you off if you are, indeed, a baby mama or a baby papa.

In closing, baby mama or baby papa, do me one favor -- just consider yourself nothing more than a product, a utensil for someone else to use. No, consider yourself less than that -- think for one moment of yourself as an alien without proper love adrift upon a sea of circumstance and vulnerable to a life of complete despair. That is how some of your children feel, and that is how some of your children live under the model of your current behavior. I know all about one-parent triumphs but I know nothing about the necessity of one-parent love. My very bones despise you when you prove yourself unwilling to take care of your own offspring.

The Absent Father

He is just a child,
Wondering why he hasn't got a father,
Like all the other children at school,
He is wondering why so many people have ostracized him,
For something that's not his fault.

Wondering why his father has never contacted him,
He is always hoping for a Christmas card or a birthday card,
His dreams of being part of normal family are always unfulfilled.

What of his father,
Is it the fear of having to come face his responsibilities,
Or is it the fear of having to come face to face with his mistakes,
That has caused him to be forever absent?

By Christopher Tye

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