Who would deny that a woman's gluteus maximus and all the anatomy of posterior in her pelvic region are objects of supreme sexual aesthetics? Now, perhaps more than ever, the female butt is drawing rave critiques and praise. I remember reading recently that fashion experts consider the intergluteal cleft to be the new cleavage of attraction.
The bottom-crazed populace seems to do almost anything to get a perfect butt. Workout exercises for toning the glutes -- including lunges, squats, donkey kicks and fire hydrants -- are extremely popular. And, at least one company named Bubbles Bodywear (Maker of the "original BubbleBuns Panty by Bubbles! Underwear with removable butt pads as seen in Vogue!") sells padded panties, butt bras, booty lifters, and butt pads for shapely enhancements. There is even a surgical procedure called the Brazilian butt lift (BBL), a type of butt augmentation claimed to result in "youthful, prominent, perky buttocks and a more sensual body profile."
Of course enhancement pills are touted by companies like Herbal Tropics. It has unveiled "a revolutionary all natural herbal formula" that helps women build those Brazilian curves by putting some "junk in the trunk" with their affordable, no-knife solution. The secret? The dietary supplement contains nutrients, fiber and vtamins from the aguaje fruit that grows on the Moriche Palm.
In pursuit of posterior beauty, many females today work tirelessly to build and display the perfect butt. And, I'm sure so many of us men appreciate their dedicated efforts to satisfy their callipygian desires.
Notice how I'm trying very hard to elevate this shameless tail-end blog entry. The history of butt envy is long and storied. Statues created as early as 24,000 BCE, such as the limestone Venus of Willendorf (so-called by academia after its discovery in Lower Austria in 1908), have exaggerated buttocks, hips, and thighs.
The Greek etymological origin of the word buttocks is callipygian stemming from (kalli-, “beautiful”) + (pugḗ, “buttocks”) meaning "having well-shaped buttocks."
The prefix is also a root of "calligraphy" (beautiful writing) and "calliope" (beautiful voice); callimammapygian means having both beautiful breasts and buttocks.
In fact, the Venus Callipyge, also known as the Aphrodite Kallipygos or the Callipygian Venus, all literally meaning "Venus (or Aphrodite) of the beautiful buttocks," is an Ancient Roman marble statue, thought to be a copy of an older Greek original. The marble statue extant today dates to the late 1st century BC. It depicts a partially draped woman, raising her light peplos (body-length garment) to uncover her hips and buttocks, and looking back and down over her shoulder, perhaps to evaluate them. The subject is conventionally identified as Venus (Aphrodite), though it may equally be a portrait of a mortal woman.
The restored statue's pose draws further attention to the naked buttocks, and gives the figure a distinctly erotic aspect. One tale of the inspiration for the statue must be recounted here. The restoration of the work recalled a story recorded in Athenaeus' Deipnosophists about the founding of a temple of "Aphrodite Kallipygos" in ancient Syracuse, Sicily.
According to Athenaeus, two beautiful sisters from a farm near Syracuse argued over which of them had the shapelier buttocks, and accosted a young passerby to have him judge. They showed themselves off to the traveler, the son of a rich man, and he voted for the older sister. Subsequently he became smitten with her and fell ill with lovesickness.
Learning what had happened, the man's younger brother went out to see the girls for himself, and fell in love with the younger sister. Thereafter the brothers refused to consider any other brides, so their father arranged for the sisters to come marry them. The citizens dubbed the sisters "Kallipugoi"
(Women with Beautiful Asses), and with their new-found prosperity they dedicated a temple to Aphrodite, calling her Kallipygos. And, the worship of the female butt was hereby immortalized.
(Francis Haskell and Nicholas Penny. The Lure of Classical Sculpture, 1500-1900. Yale University Press. 1981.)
To conclude these brief chronicles of classical tails (excuse the wordplay), it is interesting to know that the buttocks were also considered erotic in Ming China, where they were often compared to the bright full moon. Now perhaps you better understand the origin of prankish "mooning" by ornery exhibitionists.
Well, enough background and trivia, it's time for some "important" news for ladies seeking the perfect 21st Century derriere.
In the name of science, Dr. David Holmes, a psychology lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University, has devised a formula for measuring those beautiful moons. He believes he has found the formula for the Perfect Female Butt. He asked about 2000 women across Britain to assess their bottoms for his study.
His calculation of most bootyliciousness is given in this formula: (S+C) x (B+F) / (T-V).
If you want to try this, here's how (according to one interested radio station):
Use a measuring tape to get your waist and hip measurements. Measure your hip circumference at it’s widest part, and measure your waist circumference at the belly button or just above it. Use your calculator and divide the waist circumference by the hip circumference or use an online waist-to-hip ratio calculator to run the numbers. Then do the math, putting your numbers in place of the letters in the formula below. A perfect score is 80.
According to Holmes ...
First, a woman assesses her assets on a scale from 1 to 20 (1 being worst and 20 best) in the following categories:
* S = Overall Shape (Droopiness? A ripe peach being just about right.)
* C = Circularity (How spherical the buttocks are. The rounder is better.)
* B = Bounciness (Less wobble is preferred.)
* F = Firmness (Too much push to that cushion loses points.)
* T = Skin Texture (No cellulite, please.)
Then she must calculate this:
* V = the ratio of her hips to the waist.
Finally, do the math. Balance is key to achieving the perfect score of approximately 80.
"Slender thighs and hip-to-waist ratio of 0.7 will frame the perfect bum, well, perfectly," Holmes said. "Kylie [Minogue] would score amazingly well on sphericality and symmetry. Her bottom is perfect in those categories, more so than the likes of . . . Jennifer Lopez, who has a more curvy posterior," he said.
And, interestingly, a poll of 2000 people across England found that while women sided with J. Lo's rump as the best, men preferred Minogue's.
Holmes contends: "The perfect female derriere has firmness to the touch and a resilience that prevents undue wobble or bounce, yet looks soft with flawless skin."
("Academics Develop Formula for Perfect Butt." Fox News."
Still, Dr. Holmes's research revealed that men and women had different opinions when it came to deciding on the best bottoms. While women preferred the larger, curvier behind of Lopez, men found Minogue's pert symmetry more agreeable.
Is Holmes a genuine Sherlock when it comes to ancient callipygian perfection? All I know is that different men seem to love different shapes and curves of bodacious butts -- some preferring peaches, some pears, and some even watermelons. And, I've found it's tough to speak of butts without using fruit imagery. Maybe the original sweet allusion is as alluring as the apple proffered by Eve in the Garden.
Anyway, we are sure to keep staring at backsides that make us go "um." We are human, and the sight of a great butt is a glory of human nature. Of course, our inclination to stare probably has to do with the butt being an indicator of fertility to ancient ancestors. Yet, while pop culture is celebrating the butt more and more these days in films and videos, we have become more accustomed to seeing it at all angles and feeling it's not taboo to look at the rear of a great chassis.
To me, the evaluation of womanly aesthetics seems less a science than a mysterious fantasy manipulated by wily females who conjure powerful enchantments by many different means that will never be understood by men. All I know is that the spell is not easily broken once properly cast. The mojo of the beautiful butt is powerful, indeed. The rock group Queen may have put it best when they shamelessly sang "Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round."
All Shapes and Sizes Workout