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Thursday, July 9, 2009

I'm a Silly Old Person

When you get older, you get silly. Your ideas get silly and your persona gets silly. And, even your good ideas get silly. I guess getting silly is inevitable: age and its perspective demand it. No longer do you have the pulse of "what is going on" with the rest of the world. When you speak with others, you speak from a distance-- we used to call it the "generation gap." Socially, the world comes to a standstill. Short of going to church or bingo or an occasional meal out, you survive with the help of Krogers and Walmart. I am one of the older people. I'm pretty lousy at playing "silly." Most know me to be honest but stern and easily bored. I guess if I tried harder, I could enjoy silly things, but I am accustomed to avoiding situation comedies, goofy conversations, and playing those damn games and quizzes on Facebook. I enjoy someone telling me something interesting and novel about themselves or the world around them. I also enjoy helping someone in need. People my age are pretty much resigned to staying out of trouble and staying in their place. We rest a lot and don't do much (the "much" that makes the world spin). But, we do think quite a bit. Time is my most valuable commodity and, lately, the past seems to be my worst enemy. I try to be patient, but rashness is a quality I developed very early in life-- I am a "go with the flow type." When the flow is passing by me so quickly, I can hardly keep my head above water. I notice myself doing way too much wishing instead of facing reality. Wishing is all right for mind exercise, yet it doesn't accomplish a thing in the conscious world. Reality has caught up with me and taught me some new lessons of acceptance. My wishes never involve big material possessions or an extended future. They, instead, deal with simple pleasantries and a little glimmer of success. And, they usually are people driven. Since I exist in a "double" world of mixed emotions, I am starting to see that any measurement of worth is fairly fruitless fantasy. I tread water and push the flotsam and jetsam aside as it gathers around me. It gets old playing emotional Russian roulette without the united support of my immediate family, so, at times, I've tried to envision myself as Jesse James to be true to an outlaw image. You know the saying, "You can't outrun your past." I can't run now, but even walking away is senseless. Yes, some very close to me see me as criminal, and, without a doubt, I'm a sinner. I think, as I age, old scars heal more slowly. "Time heals all wounds" is the platitude that absurdly states a known lie. Many wounds simply do not heal, and most doctors usually demand payment before treatment. People around me demand something from me for their civil attitude. In youth, we rebound much quicker than in old age. Not that I wouldn't like to see a more sensitive attitude toward forgiveness and starting over, I just sense gamesmanship as lost time these days. I've played before and lost. Old people are silly and will probably get sillier until the end. Stuck in time with aged emotions, passions, and pride, old people get tunnel vision. When you hear someone older say, "I'm too old for this," they aren't always referring to physical feats. Their wants and needs, though diminished in number with time, become, perhaps, more acute as they rely on fewer others to share their feelings. The jabs that once would wound me, now threaten to kill me if not physically, then spiritually and emotionally. And, yes, I angrily speak back. Maybe this is silly, selfish talk. Some would not care. I guess many would say an older person should "know better" because of experience. Angelic I have never been and never claim to become. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I am constantly a work in progress. I believe I can accept you as such, too. But then, old people are silly, often confused, and forgetful as hell. Nevertheless, expectations never die.
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