Thursday, July 9, 2009
What Is Hell?
I think I need to ruminate about my conceptions of hell. When I think of the dark abyss, I think in forms of actual earthly people and concepts. To me, this is very frightening. Reality jolts a person's sense of the supernatural. Here are some bad scenarios for hell. Satan forces me to listen to rap music 24/7 on his only radio station. The only pole dancers at the stripper bar I must attend are Roseanne Barr and Rosey O'Donnell. My eternal bunky roommate is Perez Hilton. I must daily watch four walls of video screens playing soap opera episodes over and over. I am forced to wear headphones that repeat a soundtrack of every mistake I have ever made in my life. I must survive on a daily diet of tofu and liver. The only beer that is served is Iron City. The only football games that are broadcast are the Michigan Wolverines and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Richard Simmons leads the required daily "Sweatin' to the Oldies" exercise class. Making idle chit-chat with Tammy Fay Bakker is mandatory. The only coffee available is caffeine-free. Dr. Phil is my psychoanalysis. Dr. Kevorkian is my physician. I am forced to have to think like a woman. Foreplay is a minimum of four hours. Required attire is pants below the ass underwear and hoodies.