“You can't always get
what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try
sometime
You'll find
You get what you need”
– “You Can't Always Get What You Want” by the Rolling Stones
Christmas for us now is a simple affair. I'm almost 70, and my wife Cindy is 66. so we celebrate with some good food and drink, maybe a Christmas song or two, and lots of reminisces of years gone by. We don't even buy each other presents for Christmas. Instead, we concentrate on getting the grandchildren their fair share of toys and clothes.
All of our parents are deceased, so going home for Christmas to a big party is a thing of the past. We usually visit our four children on Christmas Eve, and we gather at one home – ours or one of theirs – to have some wonderful time together. This year with the COVID-19 pandemic in full swing, we eliminated the big get-together to be on the safe side.
This scaled-back Christmas has made me think about how I have changed over the years. I still love the season; however, I no longer rush for presents and push all the other holiday stress buttons. To say our celebration is laid back is an understatement. We no longer go “all out” for the season.
What You Want and What You Need
I vividly remember how giddy I got as a small child when Christmas drew near. One Christmas, my mom got so tired of me asking “How many days until Christmas?” (At that time, probably 30 days left before December 25) that she got a paper bag and counted out a piece of bubblegum for each day until Christmas. I was allotted one piece of gum a day and a peek into the bag – all of which gave me a pretty good indication of when Santa was arriving.
I also remember the rabid anticipation that went along with wanting a special present – how much it meant to ask Santa for the gift, and then actually receiving it (or something very close) on Christmas Eve. My parents and I opened our presents on Christmas Eve: I was told Santa delivered early at our house. After all, he had to go all around the world. It was fine with me if he dropped ours off the night before. By the way, I have often thought of how disappointed so many kids must be because they did not get their Christmas wish. I can't imagine.
Then, of course, there were Christmases as adults when we bought special gifts for everyone – not expensive, luxuriant presents, but nice ones, nonetheless. All of that discriminating shopping and then worrying about how everyone would like those chosen gifts was exhausting. In my mind, I thought the gift had to fit each person and fulfill each person's desire. You know, thoughtful and not cheap, but above all worthy of the recipient.
Now, I realize that the wants and desires of friends and family are not that important. A gift, if nothing else, is a token of love. Human needs should be the focus of our care. And, raising a family that cares for others' needs in this material world is a worthy challenge for parents, grandparents, and guardians.
Attending to needs calls for a big dose of being grateful for what we have. In "wanting" there is an inherent feeling of “not having.” People cannot feel fulfilled when they focus only on what they lack. Gratitude helps people connect to something larger than themselves as individuals – whether to other people, to nature, or to a higher power. Even a simple “thank you” constituting good manners and showing appreciation can help win new friends
Talk about a lasting, wonderful gift – teaching gratitude is at the top of the list. It is truly a gift that keeps on giving. A growing body of research shows there are many psychological and physical benefits to being grateful. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions; relish good experiences; deal with adversity; and build strong relationships.
(“Giving thanks can make you happier.” Harvard Health Publishing. November, 2011.)
The benefits of gratitude include improving hypertension – scientists found those who “count their blessings” at least once a week experienced a significant decrease in blood pressure, resulting in better overall health.
(R.W. Shipon. “Gratitude: Effect on perspectives and blood pressure of inner-city African-American hypertensive patients.”Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering, 68. 1977.
Another study found a two-week gratitude intervention increased sleep quality and reduced blood pressure in participants, leading to enhanced well-being
(Jackowska, Brown, Ronaldson, & Steptoe. “The impact of a brief gratitude intervention on subjective well-being, biology and sleep.” Journal of Health Psychology. March 2, 2015.)
Research has also shown gratitude not only reduces stress, but it may also play a major role in overcoming trauma. A 2006 study published in Behavior Research and Therapy found that Vietnam War veterans with higher levels of gratitude experienced lower rates of post-traumatic stress disorder.
(Todd B.Kashdan, Gitendra Uswatte, and Terri Julian. “Gratitude and hedonic and eudaimonic well-being in Vietnam war veterans.” Behaviour Research and Therapy, Volume 44, Issue 2. February 2006.)
And, believe it or not, research found that gratitude can help with common ailments such as headaches, stomach pain, skin irritation, and congestion. Results from Greater Good Science Center's Thnx4 project found that college students who kept an online gratitude journal for two weeks reported improvement with these problems.
(Emiliana R. Simon-Thomas. “A “Thnx” a Day Keeps the Doctor Away.” Greater Good Magazine. December 19, 2012
Mind over matter? Harvard Health reminds us although the stress response begins in the brain, it is a full-body phenomenon. When someone encounters a threat – real or imagined – the brain triggers a cascade of stress hormones – the heart pounds, muscles tense, and breathing quickens.
The practice of mindfulness, which has its roots in Buddhism, teaches people to live each moment as it unfolds. The idea is to focus attention on what is happening in the present and accept it without judgment. Mindfulness – meditation-based practice – surely includes the practice of finding contentment while being grateful.
(A. Chiesa et al. "Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy for Psychiatric Disorders: A Systemic Review and Meta-Analysis." Psychiatric Research. May 2011.)
Dangers of Losing Simple Gratitude
Once people have what they actually need (and maybe plus a little extra for security), they are set in terms of how their happiness level will be impacted. But, Man vs. Self – the most archetypal conflict – is inner conflict ultimately rooted in our primal and personal struggles. Thus, our problem of conflicting wants and needs can debilitate our understanding of “enough.”
In the glory of materialism, people often find other deceiving factors can become more central to their sense of happiness or fulfillment. For example, an overwhelming desire to achieve greater levels of wealth often causes a myopic preoccupation. Being happy should be understood in the context of feeling “how much is enough,” not that “more” or “bigger” is better. Finding balance in our lives is so important because there is inevitably a cost to pursuing more “over here” while neglecting things “over there.” Materialism eats from the inside out, and often it may leave a trail of unpayable debts, mental illness and smashed relationships.
The belief that having more money and more stuff enhances our well being is a dangerous tenet. Worldly ambition, material aspiration, and perpetual growth can be a formula for mass unhappiness. Materialism is associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and anti-social behavior.
A paper publiched in Psychological Science that people in a controlled experiment who were repeatedly exposed to images of luxury goods, to messages that cast them as consumers rather than citizens and to words associated with materialism (such as buy, status, asset and expensive), experienced immediate but temporary increases in material aspirations, anxiety and depression.
These test participants also became more competitive and more selfish, had a reduced sense of social responsibility and were less inclined to join in demanding social activities. The researchers point out that, as we are repeatedly bombarded with such images through advertisements, and constantly described by the media as consumers, these temporary effects could be triggered more or less continuously.
(Monika A. Bauer, James E. B. Wilkie, and Jung K. Kim. “Consumerism and its antisocial effects can be turned on—or off.” Psychological Science. 2012.)
Another paper in the Journal of Consumer Research, studied 2,500 people for six years. It found a two-way relationship between materialism and loneliness: materialism fosters social isolation; isolation fosters materialism. People who are cut off from others attach themselves to possessions. This attachment, in turn, crowds out social relationships.
(Rik Pieters. “Bidirectional Dynamics of Materialism and Loneliness: Not Just a Vicious Cycle.” Journal of Consumer Research, Volume 40. July 11, 2013.)
Materialism forces us into comparison with the possessions of others. Many experience no end to it. If they have four Rolexes while another has five, they are a Rolex short of contentment. The material pursuit of self-esteem actually reduces a person's self-esteem.
Buddhism teaches, desires are inexhaustible. The satisfaction of one desire just creates new desires, like a cell multiplying. Steve Taylor Ph.D. senior lecturer in psychology at Leeds Beckett University in the UK, says: “Our appetite for wealth and material goods isn't driven by hardship, but by our own inner discontent. We're convinced that we can buy our way to happiness, that wealth is the path to permanent fulfillment and well-being.”
Taylor believes one of the problems with this theory is that there is actually nothing "natural" about the desire to accumulate wealth. In fact, this desire would have been disastrous for earlier human beings. And Taylor confirms …
“Study after study by psychologists has shown that there is no correlation between wealth and happiness. The only exception is in cases of real poverty, when extra income does relieve suffering and brings security. But once our basic material needs are satisfied, our level of income makes little difference to our level of happiness.”
(Steve Taylor. “The Madness of Materialism.” Psychology Today. March 10, 2012)
It is evident we could all benefit from expressing gratitude and enjoying our needs while denying so many materialistic wants. Teaching others to learn when “enough is enough” is both self-satisfying and beneficial to pupils who will listen and apply the wisdom.
The average household carried $8398 of credit card debt in June of 2019. ThredUP conducted a survey and found that almost 50% of millennials report that their purchases are impulse buys.
Here are six statistics that show clutter and materialism are a problem for many Americans.
The average American home has 300,000 items. (LA Times)
Twenty-three percent of adults pay late fees on bills because they lose them. (Harris Interactive)
One out of four houses with two-car garages keeps so much stuff in it they can’t even fit a car in the garage. (US Department of Energy)
On average, every American throws away over 68 pounds of clothing. Per year! (The Huffington Post)
Americans spend about $1.2 trillion a year on non-essential items. (The Wall Street Journal)
“According to a new study by ClosetMaid, the average American woman has 103 items of clothing in her wardrobe. But she considers 21% to be ‘unwearable,’ 33% too tight and 24% too loose, according to a survey of 1,000 women. A further 12% of the wardrobe is occupied by new, unworn clothing, leaving just 10% available.”
(Catherine Alles. “6 Stats That Show Americans Are Drowning in Stuff They Don't Need.” Foundation for Economic Education. May 22, 2019.)
Richard Cory
By Edwin Arlington Robinson
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich—yes, richer than a king—
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
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