The Guest House by Rumi
This being human is a
guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a
meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected
visitor.
Welcome and entertain
them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently
sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest
honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the
shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite
them in.
Be grateful for whoever
comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Imagine your life being so wonderful that it is perfect. Everything you do goes well, and you are always prepared for any challenge. Sound good? This isn't your life is it? In reality, your life is comprised of both pleasure and pain, and you are often unprepared for challenging hardships. Would you believe that the struggle can be a significant part of the measure of a so-called “good life”?
In his poem “The Guest House,” 13th-century Sufi mystic Jalaluddin Rumi (popularly known simply as Rumi) uses the metaphor of a guest house to describe life’s journey. The poet expresses the idea that each day is an opportunity to experience something new in our lives, even if it’s unexpected.
And just like the guests whose arrival at our guest house can sometimes make us uncomfortable, our life too can get frustrating at times. However, Rumi contends that the entirety of human experience is valuable and that we should cherish each moment that is presented to us.
What Is the “Good Life”?
People long to experience the “good life.” Yet the abstraction associated with the desire makes a singular definition of just what comprises the “good” nearly impossible.
However, new research across geographies, demographics, and political boundaries and beliefs has shown a shift in people's beliefs that a good life centers on traditional views of buying and owning things – material wealth and consumption. Widespread divisiveness seen in America’s politics, unpredictable global conflicts, and pressing social and environmental issues has contributed to disagreement on just what a good life entails.
We can look to marketing for answers. A landmark study was designed to understand the core elements that are most important to Americans defining the “good life” and how consumers and brands, individually and together, might accelerate the realization of these emerging aspirations.
Here is what the study, “Enabling the Good Life” a report from Sustainable Brands and the Harris Poll, revealed …
Today’s vision of the good life is different from the past, with 71 percent saying living the good life is different for them than it was for their parents – perhaps indicating a greater focus on simplicity, health and people over things and looking beyond oneself. What we think of as the traditional elements of the “Good Life,” such as wealth and what it unlocks, may be shifting. There is an emerging desire for balance with two leading themes driving the new definition of the good life:
Meaningful Connections: 76 percent believe the good life is defined by having meaningful engagement with families and their communities, including those in need and the environment.
Balanced Simplicity: 66 percent believe the good life is defined by having good health and living a simple, yet balanced life. Americans are seeking reduced complexity and healthy behaviors – striking a tone of moderation, all actions contributing to their happiness.
Financial independence (26 percent) and personal goals (10 percent) such as career and education trailed balanced simplicity (36 percent) and human connections (28 percent) in what Americans view as most important factors in defining the good life.
While income (62 percent) is reported as a top obstacle preventing the good life, more than 3 in 4 Americans (78 percent) believe money cannot buy happiness.
“Due to our divided times, many assume Americans disagree on what the 'good life' looks like. Yet, the research shows that young or old, Republican or Democrat, male or female — leading a balanced, healthy life that is connected to people and issues that matter is at the heart of these new aspirations. It turns out, we are more the same than different,” said KoAnn Skrzyniarz, Founder and CEO of Sustainable Brands.
(KoAnn Skrzyniarz. “Enabling the Good Life Report.” Sustainable Brands and Harris Poll, 2017.)
Are You “Good” And “Meaningfully Connected”?
Having strong family ties is a huge predictor of contentment. Yet, would you believe that some studies find that parents are less happy than childless adults. Why? Many are unhappy by the national variation in public support for parenting, including differences in paid parenting leave, legally mandated vacation or sick days, and workplace flexibility. The pressure on parents is to work a job that not only pays well but also supports the family unit.
Child Trends databank provides another interesting statistic about parenthood related to higher education, which also requires considerable monetary investment. Parents with higher levels of education have higher rates of involvement in their children’s schools.
For example, in 2016, more than 87 percent of parents with a bachelor’s degree or higher attended a school or class event, compared with 54 percent of parents with less than a high school education. This gap is even wider when it comes to volunteering or serving on a committee: 25 percent of parents who did not graduate from high school volunteered or served on a committee at their child’s school, compared with 65 percent of parents who completed graduate or professional school.
Also, involvement in other community groups tips toward those with a better education and more money. Pew research reported nearly six-in-ten Americans (57%) participate in some type of community group or organization in 2019. Generally, adults who are better educated and wealthier are more likely to be involved in some community or other group.
A majority of college graduates are active in at least one community group, while only half of those with a high school education say the same (70% vs. 48%). And two-thirds of those who have a household income of at least $75,000 say they are active in at least one community group, compared with 47% of those with a household income of $30,000 or less.
(Aleksandra Sandstrom and Becka A. Alper. “Americans with higher education and income are more likely to be involved in community groups.” Pew Research Center. February 22, 2019.)
Are You “Good” And “Balanced With Simplicity”
Although the United States is among the wealthiest nations in the world, it is far from the healthiest. Americans live shorter lives and experience more injuries and illnesses than people in other high-income countries. Citizens are at obvious disadvantages when trying to maintain their health.
(“U.S. Health in International Perspective: Shorter Lives, Poorer Health.” National Research Council (US); Institute of Medicine (US). Editors: Steven H Woolf and Laudan Aron. 2013.)
There is no universal healthcare in the U.S. The government does not provide health benefits to citizens or visitors. According to eHealth's recent study of Affordable Care Act plans, in 2020 the national average health insurance premium for an ACA plan is $456 for an individual and $1,152 for a family.
Any time you get medical care, someone has to pay for it. And, healthcare is very expensive. According to a U.S. government website, if you break your leg, you could end up with a bill for $7,500. If you need to stay in the hospital for three days, it would probably cost about $30,000.
The U.S. health disadvantage probably has multiple explanations, some of which may be causally interconnected, such as unemployment and a lack of health insurance. The disadvantage is more pronounced among socioeconomically disadvantaged groups,
Cutting Out the Middle Man
I have taken the liberty of following the research and conducting my own simplified explanation of attaining the good life.
Financial Means and Education + Meaningful Connections (engagement with families and communities) + Balanced Simplicity (good health and moderation) = The American Good Life
Well, folks, without the money and education that provides you with the means, you can strike the “meaningful connections and balanced simplicity.” As I see it, the equation to achieving the good life is reduced to the following:
Financial Means and Education = The American Good Life
You can slice it and dice it any way you choose, but without the necessary means and the proper instruction, you are likely to live with considerably less than attainment of what you consider a “good life.” Just like you always really knew, your initiative paired with your investments of time and money will lead to greater happiness. However, all along the way, you must contend with the considerable pain and discomfort your meaningful quest put on your body and mind.
Attaining and Keeping a Good Life Is Painful
“We must all suffer one of two things in life: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.”
– Jim Rohn, American entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker
Need I tell you that attaining this “good life” is difficult? Let's assume the recent research is valid, and we agree that being “meaningfully connected” and “simplicity balanced” is the core of the good life. How do you get those things?
Unless you were well born and affluent, in order to live a good life, you cannot avoid struggles. That entails suffering the considerable pain of discipline – a necessary struggle you will endure throughout your life. That pain is actually part of what helps you gain the superior quality of existence.
Terina Allen – strategist, management consultant, and CEO for ARVis Institute – says that contrary to popular belief, successful people don’t get to escape life’s pains. They just trade one pain for another whenever and wherever possible. Successful people trade the pain of regret with the pain of discipline. They trade the pain of stopping with the pain of starting. They trade the pain of failure for the pain of consistency, and they trade the pain of saying “yes” too often with the pain of saying “no” in an effort to protect and focus the most limited resource they have – time.
Allen says, “Successful people fear failure just like everyone else, but they don’t let it stop them because they know that regret causes more pain than failure ever will. If you want to be successful, you really can be afraid to fail, but you can‘t be afraid to try.”
(Terina Allen. “Four Dirty Little Secrets You Need To Know About Successful People.” Forbes. November 14, 2019.)
In short, struggle is unpleasant and uncomfortable, but there is no growth without it. Struggle actually helps you reach your full potential. It all has to do with neuroplasticity – the brain's ability to adapt and form new pathways when you repeat difficult tasks. The challenging tasks actually become easier with time. And, guess what? Current research shows that the brain is able to continue growing and changing throughout the lifespan, refining its architecture or shifting functions to different regions of the brain.
In addition to growing your brain, struggle fuels character growth. From struggle, you develop inner strength, persistence, focus, and determination.
Living the Good Life
A hedonist would say you should try to maximize your day-to-day moments of pleasure, while others would tell you that you should try to maximize other things as well, including your satisfaction with your life. And there’s a big debate in psychology over what you should try to maximize.
A new book by the psychologist Paul Bloom, called The Sweet Spot: The Pleasures of Suffering and the Search for Meaning on Psychologists Off the Clock, there are lots of ways to answer this question. Bloom illustrates a problem with those bent on pleasure-seeking …
“But my favorite way to think about this … is a famous thought experiment by the philosopher Robert Nozick, who imagines an experience machine, which now everyone knows as the Matrix. They plug you in, and you’re in paradise. You have immediately lost your memory that you’re plugged in. So, you think you’re living your real life, but you are living a life of immense satisfaction, and challenge, and accomplishment, and carnal joy, and deep respect and everything; the best life possible.
“But you’re on a table hooked up to some wires, and that’s you for the rest of your life. And then the question is, would you want to be strapped into the machine?
“And I’ve asked a lot of people this question in teaching moral psych courses and so on. Some people rank pleasure pretty highly and say, 'Yeah, sure. Strap me in.' And certainly if I was in a prison or something, or had a sort of desperate situation, I’d much rather this life of pure pleasure than the life I’m living.
“A lot of people say no, however, including Nozick, and me, and maybe you. Because I don’t just want to have experiences, I want to do things. Because I have people I love who I want to be with, and I want to take care of them, not just think I’m with them and take care of them. I’d be abandoning all sorts of friends and family. And yes, while I’m in the machine, I won’t know I’m abandoning them, but I’m abandoning them nonetheless, and that’s wrong. And so, all sorts of other non-hedonistic motivations lead me to say, 'I’m going to take my real life.'”
(Sean Illing. “A good life is painful.” Vox. December 13, 2021.)
As a general rule, people like to avoid hurt and pain as much as possible. As a species, humans want a painless existence. Yet, real life involves responsibilities – love, caring, and the pain that goes with them. You only know happiness when you have known life is pain. While the idea of constant happiness sounds nice, there is little chance it would be. Without ever knowing sadness or pain, you would have no reason to be grateful for happiness. Happiness and sadness are the ebb and flow of life.
"It takes the darkness to make us grateful for the light.”
– Leon Ho, Founder & CEO of Lifehack
Researchers found one of the things that brings about the most happiness is challenge. When you are tested, you experience a greater sense of accomplishment and happiness when you are successful. It is largely for this reason that low-income individuals can often feel happier than those who have a sense of wealth.
Paul Piff, lead author of the study and an assistant professor of psychology and social behavior at the University of California, Irvine. And co-author, Jake P. Moskowitz found in the journal Emotion study …
“People at the lower end of the income scale take more pleasure in their relationships and enjoy caring for and connecting with others. By contrast, the positive emotions experienced by people with higher incomes are mainly focused on themselves, the research suggests.
“People who are poorer are more reliant on others to get by,” said Piff. “They really prioritize relationships because of their reduced resources, and so they are more likely to really focus on emotions that bind them to one another and find satisfaction and delight in relationships through compassion and love.”
(Paul K. Piff and Jake P. Moskowitz. “Wealth,
Poverty, and Happiness: Social Class Is Differentially Associated
With Positive Emotions.” Emotion.Vol.
18, No. 6. American Psychological Association. 2018.)
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”
– Khalil Gibran (1883–1931) Lebanese-American writer, poet and visual artist
Breaking the Shell
The more you engage in meaningful activities, the more likely you are to experience discomfort. Any parent among you knows this. Diana Hill, Ph.D. says, “Not only is discomfort associated with purposeful activities like parenting, service work, owning a pet, and social justice, experiencing pain can be pleasurable in its own right.”
Hill continues …
“For example, hot yoga, deep tissue massage, eating spicy food, and running long distances can be enjoyable because, according to Paul Bloom (see above), they create contrast, provide a break from self-rumination, and socially signal strength and competence.
“Pain may also play an important role in our dopamine balance. Anne Lembke, author of Dopamine Nation and chief of the Stanford Addiction Medicine Dual Diagnosis Clinic, posits that when we hyperstimulate pleasure centers of the brain with dopamine, we end up experiencing more dysphoria. Our brain seeks homeostasis by upping our pain to balance out too much pleasure.
“Taking a “dopamine detox” and residing more on the pain side of the equation paradoxically resets our brain to experience pleasure more fully.”
As a therapist, Hill asks her clients to choose pain all the time in the service of meaning. Exposure therapy – based on the principle of choosing pain in the service of growing what Russ Harris calls your “zone of flexibility” – you turn toward what is uncomfortable doing to allow you to live a richer and fuller life.
(Diana Hill. “Why Choosing Pain May Be a Key to a Meaningful Life.” Psychology Today. November 16, 2021.)
“Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim. (Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.)”
– Ovid, Roman poet and contemporary of the older Virgil and Horace
Grit
Grit – the term researchers use when measuring stick-to-it-ness in the face of difficulty – is an important predictor of success. Grit is defined by psychologists as "perseverance and passion for long-term goals." It serves as the overriding factor that provides the stamina required to "stay the course" amid challenges and setbacks.
In a large study of college students, task-commitment – the perseverance, endurance, and hard work that make a person "gritty” – turned out to be the most important factor in predicting success in many different arenas, including science, art, sports, and communications. Grit was more important than SAT scores, high school rank, and high school extracurricular involvement.
(H.W. Kwon. “Are Gritty People Happier than Others?: Evidence from the United States and South Korea.” J Happiness Stud 22. 2021).
Christine Carter, Ph.D., a Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center contents that grit is also a core component of life-long happiness. If you learn that you can't cope with life's difficulties, you come to fear challenge. Then, mistakes become something to be avoided at all costs. This can create perfectionistic tendencies that are a particular form of unhappiness.
(Christine Carter. “The Importance of Pain.” Greater Good. Berkeley.ed. September 24, 2009.)
Getting Gritty For the Good Life
Angela Duckworthm, a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and a pioneering grit researcher, has found, in study after study, that “where talents count once, effort counts twice.”
To explain that finding, Duckworth uses this formula:
When you apply effort to talent, you develop skill. And when you apply effort to that skill, you get achievement. Without effort, your talents are just untapped potential for skills. And without effort, your skills are untapped potential for actual accomplishments.
(Patrik Edblad. “The Complete Guide to Developing Your Grit: A realistic method for achieving your goals.” Better Humans. April 14, 2017.)
Building grit comes down to habits. Mental toughness is like a muscle, so it needs to be worked to grow and develop.
James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, says, “Choose to do the tenth rep when it would be easier to just do nine. Choose to create when it would be easier to consume. Choose to ask the extra question when it would be easier to accept. Prove to yourself – in a thousand tiny ways – that you have enough guts to get in the ring and do battle with life.”
And, remember that consistency does not require perfection. When it comes to building good habits and breaking bad habits, individual mistakes do not matter in the long-run. Instead, it is the second mistake that is far more important. Errors are part of the process, but they shouldn't become part of the pattern. One mistake is just an outlier. Two mistakes is the beginning of a pattern.
Creating the Right Environment
At this point, it is important to understand that the responsibility of a great education should not be placed entirely on the individual student to achieve through grit.
In Education Week, Christine Yeh professor of counseling psychology at the USF School of Education and former co-director of the USF Center for Research, Artistic, and Scholarly Excellence (CRASE) says …
“Educators need to resist the temptation to hyper focus on singular qualities—such as grit, self-esteem, or IQ—as quick cure-alls for our nations’ education problems and identify meaningful changes that tackle discrepancies in student resources.
“Rather, schools need to build their own type of grit – that is, a long-term investment and goal, a stick-to-itiveness – to serve all students, but especially those in the margins.
“Numerous educational research studies demonstrate that schools that provide culturally relevant curriculum—including books by authors of color, critical explorations of histories and social movements, and school-based programs that creatively foster positive identities and cultural empowerment—dramatically increase students’ engagement in school, bonding with teachers, and academic achievement. These practices work because students feel connected and represented as a meaningful part of school, and subsequently they develop a focus on future goals.”
(Christine Yeh. “Forget Grit. Focus on Inequality.” Education Week. April 14, 2017.)
Closing
So, I will close with this thought. We – as individuals and as a society – must invest in strategies to help and encourage our own “good lives.” We could lie and say, “Your life is entirely up to you.” But, look around. You know that's a crock.
“Happiness isn’t just a personal experience, it is actually affected by the individuals around you,” explains UW Health psychologist Shilagh Mirgain, PhD.
Mirgain uses the description of a ripple effect. Like when a pebble is dropped into the water causing ripples – our words, actions and feelings affect those around us, who in turn affect individuals who come into contact with them, and so on.
“How an individual feels can ripple through his or her social groups and actually influence how the group feels in general,” she says. “In some ways, our emotional states are like a virus – we can spread the positive and negative experience to those around us, even with strangers.”
She points to research done over a period of time that found the happiness of an individual extends up to three degrees of separation (that is - our level of happiness impacts the happiness levels of the friends of our friends’ friends.) Similarly if you have a friend, relative or neighbor who lives within a mile and becomes happy, this increases the probability that you will be happy by 25 percent.
(Shilagh Mirgain. “How others influence your happiness.” University of Wisconsin Health. May 24, 2019.)
So, yep, you have to “break the shell” with considerable grit to achieve most anything truly desirable on this planet we call Earth. Old geezers like me will tell you so. Oh how much easier … and more enjoyable … these challenges would be if we could join together and help each other in the delivery of resources needed to climb the ladder to a greater existence.
“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.”
– Khalil Gibran
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