My Wife And I -- Do Opposites Attract?

"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.”

– Deuteronomy 22:10

Now, I don't claim to be a relationship expert or a psychologist, but I figure my experience gives me as much credibility as Dr. Oz or Dr. Phil – those phony TV personalities that sell their plausibility for ratings and the almighty dollar. You can take that or leave it, but that's my take. Anyhow, from 71 years of living, I have some startling conclusions on the state of my own relationships.

I was never a great person to date, a whiz-bang with females, or an interpreter of romance and love. I went stag to two proms, steady dated two or three people, and wound up in a three-year first marriage way before I could even be labeled as “semi-mature.” With that record, I don't blame you if you don't read another word. Still, some 45 years of togetherness – sweat, work, and occasional bliss – serves as testimony to my scant knowledge of marriage.

First of all, I find it simply amazing that something I took so much careful time and effort to obtain eventually turned into a simple state of existence. When dating my future wife, I took pains in the way I looked, conversed, interacted, and even smelled. Everything was so important to me then, and I felt as if my very life depended upon my decision to remarry.

For God's sake, I worried about whether we were compatible to the point of fearing a ring. What if my wife and I didn't like the same things, didn't enjoy doing similar activities, didn't agree on important subjects, and didn't bare our souls to each other in some kind of “holy” matrimony? I simply knew being a two-time loser would be the end of the world for me and her both.

Looking back, I think “how silly.” Now, I truly believe we all learn after marriage – some after months, some after years, some after decades – that we don't know a diddly damn thing about how living together and encountering all the experiences within “wedlock” truly will turn out. We enter into a union with shared ideals and mutual expectations to learn later that the two individuals remain independent under a common roof. 

My passions are music and writing. My wife believes I have weird tastes in music and frequently objects to the music I dearly love when I play it on my stereo. She wouldn't know Robert Johnson from Engelbert Humperdinck or “Crossroads” from “Release Me.” I like my music loud; she likes it soft. I like a variety of genres and lots of different songs; she likes oldies rock and the same tunes over and over. She's English so when I play my Callihan side's Celtic root music, she goes berserk. Erin go Bragh, there's “Whiskey In the Jar”!

Writing? I write a blog titled All Things Wildly Considered. I've been doing so for ten years or so with around 3,000 entries. In fact, if you're reading this, you're on it right now. I love to write, and I make many entries a week. I use this editorial blog to sort out my thoughts on different subjects. It's a pleasurable hobby for me much like some people sew or do puzzles. But, my wife says, “Writing that blog is a waste of time. Nobody reads it, and it doesn't mean anything.” Since I taught writing in school, I strongly disagree, but she claims doing my writing is just pointless. I've even tried to get her to read some entries, but she refuses, claiming they're too long and boring. What's frustrating to me is that she is actually a good English usage person and an excellent speller. I guess she figures I just shouldn't compose. She tells people I am just obsessively typing “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” over and over like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

My wife and I eat entirely different things. I like almost everything on the menu while she has a very limited palate. In fact, I think she lives primarily on chicken, eggs, cheese, and sweet tea. Since she retired, I do all the so-called “cooking.” I cook everything from chili to steak to spaghetti to ribs to jambalaya to beans and cornbread to stuffed peppers to meatloaf with every imaginable vegetable – I love asparagus, broccoli, cauliflower, kale, cucumbers, collard greens, even Brussels sprouts. Not her – she's a green beans, corn, and peas type of person. Very seldom does she eat anything I cook. She normally microwaves her own meals. That leaves me with tons of leftovers.

When I cook – most every day – my wife complains about the “awful smell.” It doesn't matter if the aroma is mouth-watering, she still complains: “Turn on the fan” and “How can you stand to eat that?” Then, she grabs a can of air freshener, sprays it in every corner of every room in the house, and has me open window after window. Of course, on the rare occasion she cooks (lately reserved for Thanksgiving and maybe Christmas if the family is home), I would not dare criticize the smell, the menu, or one little part of the operation. Heaven forbid. How could I be so ungrateful?

Television? I like channels like the History Channel, Public Television, and A&E. Plus, I love sports like baseball and football. I don't think she has ever watched a game, and she typically watches old shows like Gunsmoke and Lucy all day long. She has watched Wagon Train forever and that crusty, old Ward Bond has never once made it to California. We have our own televisions, but she also has a set in her bedroom and one in the spare bedroom. At least one of her tv's is on 24/7 – I think she keeps it playing to entertain the dog.

I am not a sun worshiper, but my wife can bake in the hot sun for hour upon hour. She will lay on a raft in her small inflatable pool, turn on her tunes, and basically roast until well done. Me? I like the shade on a hot day, or I simply seek out the air conditioner. Of course, she loves to grow flowers and spend lots of time tending her many bloomers. I appreciate the beauty; however, I am not gonzo over plants and gardens.

Speaking of the outdoors, I used to camp and I like all kinds of nature activities. My wife hates camping and doesn't want to be in the woods. Hiking is out. I took her on a hike to Buzzard's Roost in Adams County once, and she nearly freaked out before reaching the vista. Her idea of camping is getting a room with a view in a lodge. I also enjoy fishing, but fishing to her is ordering a fish sandwich at McDonalds. Wildlife? Don't even mention seeing a tiny snake in the yard – she will find it and dispatch it into a million pieces. Earthworms have long ago packed up and gone.

Oh, and my wife loves to zap insects. She has a special electrified bug racket and about fifteen different bug sprays to eliminate them. Any bug she sees is destined for glory. (Although I might have convinced her honey bees need to live.) Her favorite hobby is to swat those large carpenter bees, knocking them out of the air while cussing like a sailor all the while – “You mofo, sob. Die, you dirty bastard” – and then stomping them into the ground until they are goo. She exalts in each so-called “victory.” Me? I steer clear during the assaults. God have mercy on anything that crawls or flies in our little backyard.

I have learned to give oveer complete control of any matter concerning the house to the Queen of the Castle. If my wife merely suggests an improvement or a change, it's easier to answer “Yes, dear” than to have an argument with her. The Queen issues what I call “E-dicts.” She skips all the “A-B-C-D” preliminaries and goes straight to the “E” – which stands for her “E-dict” and translates to “Enforceable Dictate.” Failure to follow these proclamations can result in severe penalties, even threats of physical harm. I already have too many bumps on my head to resist another dictate. I have learned not to question her Royal Highness.

My wife loves to move the furniture when she feels restless or bored. Also, she begins sorting out everything in the closets in an effort to throw out all my “stuff” or put it somewhere else where I will never find it again. I have new shirts that go AWOL because she thinks they are “ugly.” The ironic thing about moving furniture is that a few weeks after the last move, she wants the stuff right back in the original position. Is this some kind of revolving feng shui that changes with each equinox or is it an exercise in frustration simply meant to disrupt peace and quiet? I don't know, but I do know that generally wives want to put their husbands in some kind of dizzying action when they are most relaxed – like when the hubby is watching a ballgame or taking a nap.

Issues of agreement? We do agree on some fundamental matters like politics, women's rights, and education; however, very often we disagree on the simplest concerns. She hates the way I drive – “too slow” she says. She often wants me to “grow up” but constantly objects to my “growing old.” My wife is the consummate critic of my failing skills as a senior. She often rails at how clumsy, dizzy, forgetful, blind, and downright dumb I am. I receive scoldings for every mishap I have. I once dropped the container of brown sugar and you would have thought I had committed a felony. Don't even ask about my lack of skills in home repair. She should have married that television guy Bob Vila – he would have made her so happy.

My wife has some kind of tracker on her phone that can detect if I use my card for any purchase. If I get a burger at Wendy's, she asks me the minute I walk through the front door why I spent money eating out. I can't spend a penny she doesn't know about. I can't even buy her a birthday surprise without her knowing I did so. I'm not sure, but I think she can also tell where my car goes. It's like being on radar – I couldn't skip town if I wanted to. She would have me tracked on the way down the freeway.

And cellphones? My wife wants me to take my cell phone – which she bought me and is so complicated I hate to use it – everywhere I go. If I go in the car, on a walk, or to the bathroom, she expects me to have the cell. I don't like being tied to the phone all day and constantly reporting my slighted movement or my every expelled breath. I know … most people sit and text and fiddle with their cells everywhere they go. But, I don't. I don't want to remove myself from the real world. I prefer interacting with people to resorting to this technology. My wife texts instead of simply calling. Not me. Nothing to me is as frustrating as spelling out words and phrases on that tiny keyboard. I use a desktop at home, and she considers me to be ancient and dreadfully behind the times. And those damned, overused abbreviations – like ROLF, LMFAO, TTYL, and that insidious LOL – just signal laziness and English usage abuse to me.

To close, the point of this entry is that living together, above all, requires a great respect for tolerance … and, of course, benevolence. You may think you know a person well, but even the person you choose as your mate is going to full of surprises and alien ways of living. If you’ve built up a fantasy about the perfect partner, you’re going to be in for a surprise.

By the way, I base this on no research although I did read that the most significant factors in determining marital bliss were similar views on gender roles and values. I fully understand this opinion. I do think these are two issues my wife and I agree upon.

Do opposites attract? According to most research, people do not hold long-term relationships or friendships with people who don’t share their beliefs and values. So, you can see once more that shared “values” are believed to be important. It's worth a little exploration to understand what “values” really are.

Plato thought that values like “justice” were eternal ideas, but science-based philosophy requires an account of values closer to human reality. Values are mental processes that are both cognitive and emotional. They combine cognitive representations such as concepts, goals, and beliefs with emotional attitudes that have positive or negative capacity to interact. My wife and I seldom disagree on our values – fundamental beliefs and guiding principles. Both of us maintain that focus, even though we often approach them in opposite ways. Emotions fray at times, but goals seldom do.

Compatible values can offer couples the necessary endurance to navigate through the roadblocks as a united front. For example, marriage core values, such as respect, authenticity, emotional support, and forgiveness, when shared among partners, can be of immense help in conflict management.

Marriage is challenging. To me, people who are married still feel occasional loneliness, confusion, and frustration. Having a partner with differences may increase feelings of these emotions, yet when one accepts the reality that “oxen and asses” can coexist and plow the same fields, a marriage can work out well. I guess I don't agree with the Good Book on that one.

A last word or two – in my view, nothing – including a long relationship – should remain permanent under duress or any other form of harm. Old people have as much right as anyone else to separate or divorce, and sometimes they must do so to continue their peaceful existence. I would never advocate tolerance of abuse. Still, a clear line between disagreement and maltreatment need to be established when considering continued union. Maybe that's worth thinking about when occupying those fields of marriage.

I STILL LOVE YOU

By Denise Rodgers

The dog threw up.
The kids are ill.
Our bank account
Is almost nil.

The laundry’s
Stacked up in a pile,
And still I know
I have to smile.

Although our life
Might look like blight,
I get to be
With you each night.

It may be tough,
That much is true,
But still I love
My life with you.

To my wife, Cindy Merritt Thompson:

“Yes, I love you, Dear. We are as different as salt and pepper, but I'm going to stay onboard for the rest of the ride. Who knows, you might even learn to tolerate my cooking. At any rate, I'm too old to argue.”