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Saturday, May 9, 2009

What Should I Do With a Woman?

As winter passes, many single men's thoughts turn to women. It's only natural that dating increases with good weather and spring fever. As difficult as it may be for guys to think like their female companions, men who try to know a little more about what a woman likes should be very popular. So, as an wishful offering to my single male friends, I am reporting some sure-fire advice for understanding what women really think about male behavior. I am not an expert in this field; however, I have called upon my trusty research companion, the Internet, to cull a few suggestions. (Esther Walker, The Independent, "What Men Don't Get About Women," Sept. 22, 2008) Read and follow these notions at your own risk, fellows. Don't blame me for merely passing on some female point of view. I wish you good luck and happy times. Ladies and gentlemen, let me know how you feel about these tips. Do they work or are they psycho-babble? 1. Do call her. A little thoughtful text message may be all right for small things, but for arranging dates, enquiries after her health, gossip – ring her, for god's sake. Awful Men send a spineless "How RU?" text. Be the one who wants to hear her voice and let her know that over the phone. 2. Do be the one who cares about her well-being. Although women are not pathetic, from time to time they enjoy allowing themselves to be rescued. Women still love a "knight in shining armor" coming to their rescue. 3. Do be appreciative in some ways of just how wretched it can be, at times, to be a woman. The idea is not just to shake your head in pity, but to acknowledge and understand the fact. 4. Do not become angry if a woman suggests that she looks fat. Fretting aloud about weight is womankind's least charming habit but you can't stop them. Play as if it's the first time you've had the conversation, say, "You don't look fat to me," and smile. Perhaps simple acceptance will send a strong message of approval. 5. Do not, under any circumstances say, "I don't understand women." Many women believe this is the least sexy thing you can say. Even if you truly don't understand them, just don't say it. 6. Do not make the mistake of gushing about other women. Although you might think it shows how much you like women or what a feminist you are, all it does is make women feel bad. This would naturally imply that you should never stare at, converse with, or even breathe around a beautiful stranger in the presence of a date. 7. Do be exactly the opposite of whatever loser she may happen to be stuck with. If she says,"Oh I really wanted to see that film... but Steve said it sounded childish," stick up for her and brag about the film. Without actually saying, "Your boyfriend is an idiot," merely defend her point of contention. 8. Do take the attitude that romantic gestures, even though possibly embarrassing and contrived, are important. Romance is important to most women, so you must make her believe it is important to you, too. 9. Do listen carefully to women as the easiest way to earn their adoration. It is perfectly fine to ask the occasional question but listen dutifully to the answer. That might sound like far too much effort but the alternative – to drone on about your job, your new car, the boys' holiday you're planning – is the date equivalent of anthrax. 10. Do, some time during the date, encourage a woman to talk a lot about herself and listen like a secret agent so you can deduce what she wants from a man. Then, you must make her believe that you, right there, are that man. (I assume you can do that without bragging too much). 11. Do not try to get a woman into bed on the first date. It's just so tacky. Most women sleep with men on the first date (especially in winter) because they are too pissed, cold or lazy to get themselves home. If you make it easy for her to get home, she'll go, and she will be impressed and grateful the next morning that you didn't take advantage of her. 12. Perhaps the most important thing to learn about seducing women is when to give up. Do give up when hope is lost. Men whose seduction technique is to wear a woman down with constant phone calls, date requests and e-mails may get the girl – but it's never for long. There you have it, guys. All in one simple instruction article, I presented the answers to the mysteries of dating behaviors. I stress, following these suggestions does not guarantee a match with your normal personality and behavior patterns. But, at least something here should help the lines of communication. To find a little humor in this serious subject matter, I will end the piece with a brief narrative. The First Date It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you." She breathed a sigh of relief. He went on, "What do you think about me?"
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