Dealing With Personal Tragedies On Your Road of Life

 

“The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say”

– J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

We all walk a unique pathway in life. No other person experiences what we do. Each blessing, each setback – all the joys, all the regrets – we live through good times and bad as we make our journey. The memories of our past remain no matter how we may want to forget our mistakes. We are buoyed by our blessings and our stubborn will to continue walking one step at a time toward an unknown future destination.

We have been given a life – a gift both beautiful and simple. We have no option: we must walk our own path. And, as we do so, we consciously choose the direction we travel. Ambition and persistence help us meet all the challenges, struggles, and confusion we face. Gaining experience along the way, we eventually become veterans of the trek, and these experiences become great catalysts for our growth.

So, when we lose something or suffer a setback in life, we really experience part of a natural progression on the path we are meant to travel. These unfortunate occurrences actually help us find ourselves and adapt to change. Awareness is truth; we gain wisdom as we see things as they are, not as things to fear or to be what we want them to be. This process of blessed renewal requires continual self-examination and the desire to seek spiritual enlightenment – a full comprehension of any situation that comes our way.

To understand that things are moving in a certain direction is part of this comprehension. Awareness of our inner and outer reality is a key to our enlightenment during the journey of life. And this understanding incorporates all human emotions and qualities: love and hate, desire and fear, wisdom and ignorance. The ability to hold opposites – emotional opposites – at the same time is really what we're after.

"In any situation and in whatever you do, your state of consciousness is the primary factor; the situation and what you do is secondary. 'Future success' is dependent upon and inseparable from the consciousness out of which the actions emanate. That can be either the reactive force of the ego or the alert attention of awakened consciousness. All truly successful action comes out of that field of alert attention, rather than from ego and conditioned, unconscious thinking."

– Eckhart Tolle, spiritual teacher and best-selling author.

We must have a thirst for growth. And, we must realize that the path of least resistance generally provides us with broken roads or dead ends. Multitudes choose to walk beaten paths as they refuse to face adversities in life. We must paint our pictures of reality such that they always work with us and give more than they take, and this certainly applies to the path of least resistance.

“For instance, we all tend to emotionally resist the path towards growth and development, but this innate feeling is actually a compass in disguise. It always points towards the true-north principles essential for true, sustainable success; so, overcoming this resistance with sufficient willpower will generally lead to positive results.

“If perceived in this manner, the path of least resistance is suddenly transformed into a useful tool – one that serves as a guide and provides direction. So, when you come to a fork in the road, do not fear your instinctual attraction to the path of least resistance; rather, embrace it as a valuable asset for any decision-making process. It always points south towards the direction of decline, and this knowledge alone is one great step towards making positive changes.

(“The Kaizen Effect.” www.thekaizeneffect.com.)

This is not to say we should never fear, grieve, or have doubts. However, it is to acknowledge that negative experiences are part of our particular journey. They uniquely belong to us just as does any normalcy of existence. Some endure terrible complications and problems in their lives, tragedies that seem unfair and make them question the purpose of their existence. It makes one wonder how they survive and carry on.

The answer to acceptance may be found in one word – “support.” A growing body of evidence explains why.

Anthony Ong, associate professor of human development at Cornell University's College of Human Ecology, is among the leading researchers the complex interplay of social, emotional, cognitive, and cultural resources that people draw upon to adapt to stressful life circumstances as they age, and the ways these factors have an effect on health and well-being.

Ong explains, “The phenomenon of positive emotions during bereavement, once considered rare or an hindrance to grieving, is now recognized as a sign of genuine adjustment.” This work has raised the possibility that positive emotions are important factors in undoing the autonomic arousal generated by negative emotions.

Ong believes daily access to positive emotions creates a psychological antidote for people in times of crisis. The ability to experience a positive emotion despite a major stressor provides a momentary respite from the ongoing stress.

Ong’s work has also shown that social connectedness – having a supportive relationships with those around us – contributes to daily positive emotions, and also leads us to be more resilient in the face of adversity.

Ong says …

“Although a number of important questions concerning the significance of positive emotions remain, the broad outlines of an integrative research agenda are beginning to come into view. At the core of this agenda is the recognition that traveling through the dark groundwater of human loss and suffering, often lurking unseen from above, are vast fissures and caverns of positive emotions that from time to time emerge from below the surface to create a wellspring of human resilience.”

(“Surviving—and Even Thriving—Through Tragedy. The Bronfenbrenner Center for Translational Research. Psychology Today. April 29, 2016.)

I imagine reframing adverse events in a positive light is not a strength for most of us. However, if we make connections in our lives and reach out to others in times of need, we can be more resilient in the face of inevitable adversity. Doing so can trigger an upward spiral of well-being.

To close, I will focus on the obvious. Didn't we always know this? Our support sustains us. We are all born into carrying weight and swallowing bitter experiences. But, it is our friends who help us deal with the load. We depend upon each other literally to survive.

And, as we survive tough times, we can even be happier in the future knowing we defeated the challenges to our lives. When you're going through challenges in life, make sure you have people in your life who have turned their test into a testimony. They help you carry on. They aid your acceptance of the very consequences you endure on the road you choose to travel.

But hey, don't believe me. Research will back up this opinion.

One study shows that friendship, in terms of intensity (measured by the frequency with which individuals see their friends) and quality (measured by the satisfaction with friendship relationships), is positively associated to life satisfaction.

(Viviana Amati, Silvia Meggiolaro, Giulia Rivellini, Susanna Zaccarin. “Social relations and life satisfaction: the role of friends.” Genus. Publishe Online May 04, 2018.)

In a 2015 analysis that compiled data on more than 3.4 million people across 70 studies, Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a psychologist at Brigham Young University, and her colleagues found that the absence of social connections carried the same health risk as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness led to worse outcomes than obesity. And the findings held true for people of all ages.

(Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Timothy B. Smith, Mark Baker. “Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review.” Perspectives on Psychological Science. March 11, 2015.)

“In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. They keep the young out of mischief; they comfort and aid the old in their weakness, and they incite those in the prime of life to noble deeds.”

– Aristotle